Published September 1, 2010
Why would you do this, Xavier? Everything you could have been, you never will be. And sure, mother never let you express your self and people teased you and your girlfriend left you for the gorgeous jock that you detested. But you had me.
And sure, I'm just that annoying little sister, but you had me. There's no excuses for what you've done, no matter how bad it got or how bad life seemed. You and I used to build forts with blankets and pillows. You and I used to eat Captain Crunch together while watching Scooby Doo on the television. You shared everything with me, because we were so close in age. You at seventeen, me at fifteen. Luca was too young to understand TV or forts when we were into that kind of thing. By the time you ditched me for comic books and sports, I was in fourth grade and you left me in the dust ever since.
Mother noticed you changing. Your clothes were first. After you were rejected from the football team, you wore skinny jeans that sagged (how contradictory) and were held up by checkered belts. Your plaid button-ups were tossed out for Never Shout Never tees and Monster hoodies. You coloured your nails black with Sharpie marker and changed your Facebook picture.
When you dyed you hair, it was mother that wanted to kill you. You had sandy blond locks that were so shiny like the sun. And then you went and dyed it black. It swooped in your face and every five seconds you did that annoying-Justin-Bieber-esque hair flip. When you got your new girlfriend, Sky, mom was thrilled. Until she learned that Sky had a lip piercing and wore thick black eye-liner.
Personally, I didn't mind your change. You were being you. But it was weird to see my brother become so different. It almost made me nervous, for some reason.
I'm ticked off at you, Xavier. How could you be stupid enough to do this? How could you be stupid enough to let me find you like that? Your eyes were closed. Your hair was matted with red. And for a second, I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that you were dead. I didn't believe that you'd killed yourself.
But you did. Dad's gun wasn't hidden well enough. And when you found it, the madness of your life pooled together. And I heard the noise the gun made and I ran to it and saw you. I hated you for making me see you like that.
I miss you, Xavier. You're gone and it's just me, mother, dad, and Luca now. I'm mad at you for leaving me. Because I was always here for you and you lost me in a jumble of change. But I'll miss you, because you're my brother and I love you.
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139,666 Literary Works • 672,646 Reviews
The one word I would use to describe this is rushed. You have a great idea here, and you could wring a lot of drama (real drama and not cheap melodrama) from this, except you just went too fast.
Dwell a little more on the siblings' relationship and its and Xavier's changes. What caused them? Or, rather, what does the narrator think caused them? Explain just how the narrator felt nervous about the change, and why. Why does the narrator think Xavier would commit suicide? What was the madness in his life that drove him to such?
Go into more detail about Xavier's appearance in death -- you have a good basic structure, describing something innocuous like his eyes being closed, but again, you moved to fast. Spend more time on describing how normal he looked before moving on to the blood and the fact that he's not breathing. Elaborate upon your narrator's feeling of disbelief. Basically, make your reader feel like they're living that moment with your narrator, like they're coming across Xavier themselves.
Now, as I said, you've got a good idea here. Also, the way you showed that Xavier was dead before you flashed back to the narrator hearing the shot was nicely done. Basically, you have a good base for a story, but it needs more flesh, mainly by ways of exposition (explanation) and description. Expand upon this, and you could wind up with a powerful story.
Hey,
I am so happy to be your first reviewer. I really liked this, but there were some grammar mistakes. One that kept reoccuring was that you started alot of sentences with conjunction (and, or, so, yet, for, nor, but). That shows your reader that the following is an incomplete sentence because a conjunction is used to combine two complete sentences, but by adding just a conjunction to a complete sentence makes it incomplete. If this doesn't make sense PM me and I will be glad to explain it in more detail. On to your review:
There should not be a space in between your self. (yourself). You lack alot of commas in this sentence, and you start two sentences with conjunction. You need to add the commas because you are making a list of things, and their meaning could get jumbled if you don't add the commas in between them. This sentence should read like this: Everything you could have been, you never will be, and sure, mother never let you express yourself, and people teased you, and your girlfriend left you for that gorgeous jock that you detested, but you had me.
In this case you can just take And off of the beginning of the sentence. Also, the repetition of but you had me isn't needed to get your point across, so maybe change up the wording like: Sure, I'm just that annoying little sister, but I was here for you.
These two sentences need to be combined because the second one is an incomplete sentence. It should read like this: You shared everything with me because we were so close in age, you at seventeen and me at fifteen. Also, good job on speeling out the numbers
Instead of parenthesis you should use commas around how contradictory.
These two sentences should be combined because the second begins with a conjunction.
These two sentences need to be combined because the second begins with a conjunction.
Instead of combining this sentence with the one before it I think you should just take off the And.
I don't really think this sentence adds anything to the plot. If you keep the sentence anyway make sure you make it into a sentence by adding a complete thought and taking away the but, or comining it with the sentence before it.
These sentences should be combined because some of the start with conjunctions. It should read like this: Dad's gun wasn't hidden well enough, and when you found it, the madness of your life pooled together; I heard the noise the made, and I ran to it, seeing you.
You should refrain from using because at the beginning of a sentence as well because it has the same theme as a conjunction. These sentences should be combined.
Overall: I really liked your idea. It has been done before, but I think you have the ability to make it orginal. You had some grammar mistakes, but with practice you can perfect it. If you ever need a review just PM me.
Have a great day,
Tiffany