Trevor Patzer is the founder and Executive Director of Little Sisters Fund, a non profit organization that aims at helping disadvantaged girls in Nepal by offering them education scholarships. He not only manages the endowment, but is also responsible for the PR, growth, and development of the organization. He manages more than 400 sponsorship accounts and foundation grants that amount to $500,000. He has raised over $3.5Million and oversees 6 full time and 30 volunteer workers in Nepal. Little Sisters Fund is committed to providing educational opportunities to financially backward girls who are facing discrimination, social prejudice, and poverty. The foundation is striving to eradicate the causes of low female literacy in Nepal and South Asia.
The organization offers scholarship programs, which help little sisters support their study, books supply, and uniform costs. They financially help poor girls who are studying in government, private or semi-private schools in Nepal. Besides educational programs, Little Sisters Fund also offers health care programs to promote good health and prevent diseases among girl students. The foundation is taking care of the needs of more than 1,150 girls. Trevor Patzer has received various awards for his contribution towards women empowerment. Many articles were published by the local and international press to highlight his achievements. He was honored with St. Paul's School Distinguished Alumni Award in 2005 for his leadership and outstanding services towards the society. He also received Rotary International Ambassadorial Scholarship in 2003. In 2009, he was bestowed with the prestigious Dalai Lama’s Unsung Heroes of Compassion Award.
Trevor Patzer is an alumnus of famous St. Paul's School, Concord, NH. He was a brilliant student and had keen interest in sports. While in school, he captained varsity cross-country skiing, running and became two-time undefeated national rowing champion. He pursued Bachelors of Arts Degree in Psychology from Brown University, Providence, Rhode Island. After graduation, he pursued Masters Degree in Educational Administration from University of Virginia, Charlottesville, VA. He is deeply interested in swimming, running, hiking, traveling, snow ski, and water ski. He participated in various marathons including sub three-hour Boston, Philadelphia, and Marine Corps marathons. His fastest time is 2:59. He is also fond of mountain climbing. He respects every culture and is always eager to understand and know different cultures.
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Hello Trev, hope you're enjoying being on YWS.
I'll start off by saying that you're piece here is actually an article, not a short story as you had chosen for the genre. Secondly, I think your title needs some work. I think something like: 'Trevor Patzer: Unsung Heroes of Compassion Award, 2009'. Not much of a difference, but I think it works better with your piece. It really depends on what the piece is for though, you see how the title helps direct the purpose of your writing here?
Now to your piece:
Paragraph 1-
For your second sentence, I understand that everyone knows that PR means public relations, I still think writing the full form is better.
In your last sentence, I think financially challenged would sound better than financially backward.
Paragraph 2-
Sentence 1: "support their study, books supply, and uniform costs"- isn't working so well.
I suggest something like, 'support their uniform, books and overall study costs.'
Sentence 3, last two words: It'll be 'female students', not 'girl students'.
Paragraph 3-
3rd last sentence: 2.59 what? Minutes or seconds, mention that, okay?
Overall, if you were expecting to write a formal piece, you achieved that.
Hope to see more work of yours ^_^
Hey, Flame here! Welcome to YWS
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First off, I was confused when I started this, as it clearly wasn't a short story. It's possible to get more essay-reviewers if you indicate that this is an essay; short stories and poetry are published more than anything else on here, and I find it refreshing to read something like this now and then.
Great job gathering facts! Your piece was brilliantly organized, and I love how you included a link to more information on Trevor Patzer. I also applaud you on your word choice. Do you share the same name as him, or are you basing your username off of him?
The topic was fascinating, but you didn't really snare my attention. All you've included are bare-bone facts, and your sentences are constructed the same way. Not accusing you of choppiness...I just think that you could spice things up a bit by inserting parenthetical phrases,replacing periods with exclamation points, or sculpting sentences into rhetorical questions. Breaking up your paragraphs also helps the reader concentrate, assuming that you're not following a specific format.
Three more nitpicks. The majority of your sentences start with a subject. I know, you're generally supposed to avoid passive voice, but making everything active voice can disrupt flow. And your numbers...Try to only use numerals with scores, dates, time (with the exception of "o'clock"s), and codes and passwords in formal writing. Finally, the title's a bit of a mouthful. You could simply narrow it down to "Trevor Patzer."
Overall, I love what you've got so far. Is this something for school? If so, I'm sure you'll ace the assignment. Keep up the good work! Happy writing!