Young Writers Society

Wow, this is really deep, even though it's short it hit me where it hurts. I can relate because I was bullied a lot. Just remember to always think of the good because you get the good after going through the bad.

Ok, so now for the weird part of me >.< XD

There weren't any grammatical errors.
Good punctuation, capitals.
You are a very good writer
don't forget that.
Keep
Doing
What
You
Do!
Lady Astella OUT! *Mic drop*

Hi there @toxicunicorn I am here to do a review on your poem, so the first thing that I all was notes is that your poem is too short, it is better to make it a bit longer than this, Once apon a time, okay you did not spell apon right hear, it is saposto be spelt upon, see that up in sted of ap, As I stand outside, so I feel like you need to talk about were he is outside in this bit, and what was that meaning of live now, in the pouring rain feeling the freezing drops of water splatter against my skin, so here I can say that I like this bit, but it needs a bit of work on it, like I do not think that the in needs to be there, But now thats all you are, Now I think that you need to ad some words to this bit, so like, But now that’s all you are to me in this earth, so that is all that I can say to you, so keep up with the good work,

From @MoonFlower

A beautiful short poem indeed.
It true that some memories are short and some are long. But journeys down a memory lane are usually longer that than. You've shown a good sense of imagination, if you try doing more of it, the poem can be improved by adding more verses to it. The line here "I remember... All our happy and sad memories", I think it demands more digging into such bad memories to balance it out against the happy ones.
A good effort, keep it up.

Hiya! Berri here for a review! °˖ ✧◝(○ ヮ ○)◜✧˖ °

Wow, this was deep. Short, sweet, but deep. In a good way too- it gets you thinking about memory and remembering. I liked the wording in this, as well!

in the pouring rain feeling the freezing drops splatter against my skin, I remember.

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:


This poem speaks about the realization and reluctant acceptance of a very bitter fact, that we are not immortal. It also seems to be grieving the death of a loved one who was very helpful but which must now be accepted as a memory. I like the introduction you chose because it harmonizes very well with the concept that such beliefs of immortality were like fairy tales.

The emotion is conveyed very well and made me recall those times when I had felt the same.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.,


Suggestions

Always pass the composition through a spell checker:

Once apon a time,....[ upon]'
I believed we lived forevor. [forever]

drops of water.... [the drops] Reader knows that rain means water.

The “I remembers” look better if they appear arranged like this:

I remember....

I remember....

I remember....

What a do, What it is. Its yo boi comin' at you with a review.

While reading your poem, the reader can tell that the narrator and the person that they are talking about have a very close relationship/friendship.

You can get the feeling that they had split up because at the end the narrator states "But now that's all you are. Just a memory."
This shows that the person that the narrator is directing this all to has left them and will always be in their memories as a helpful person.

Now to the problem:
I really don't have a problem with nothing major, but there is probably like one spelling error, and some punctuation problems.

Instead of writing:
"As I stand outside in the pouring rain feeling the freezing drops of water splatter against my skin, I remember."

There is nothing wrong with the wording, it is just the punctuation.

How it should be:
"As I stand outside in the pouring rain, feeling the freezing drops of water splatter against my skin, I remember."

The problem with the original was that it was kinda a run on sentence before it got to the "I remember" part. You always want to put a little short pause for the readers, so that if someone ever reads your poem out loud, at that part they won't lose their breathe until they get to the comma before "I remember."

Original:
"I remember all our happy, and sad memories."

How it should be:
"I remember all out happy and sad memories."

For this kind of sentence you really don't need any comma. You put a comma when you are writing a compound sentence.

For example:
Chris thought he was gonna win the ball game. He lost the game.
(Excuse my terrible example)
Chris thought he was gonna win the ball game, but he lost the game.

Moving on.
For the spelling error. Like I said before it was like only one word, and that was forever.
You had spelled it like:
"forevor"
When the correct spelling is:
"Forever."
This was just probably a accident. Maybe you meant to spell it like that, but who am I to judge. Just look I'm 14 and I still can't tie my shoe. (I'm kidding I can tie my shoe. Sorta.)

Anyway, besides the errors, you wrote a really deep and wonderful poem. You had a lot of imagery, but I don't know if it was just my creative imagination. Every time I would read a part, a scene would pop up in my head of two people going through the things that you wrote in the poem. That is really what makes this a really good poem to me.

I hope I can read more of your work in the future.. It seems you became a member today...So.. Welcome to the Young Writers Society!!

Keep up the good work!

~Namjoon~