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You Chose Her

by torshachatterjee


I am the sadness you feel on a saturday night

I am the mess on a sunday morning

I am the pain you will feel when you try to fix me

I am what will hurt you when you pick my broken pieces.

I am what you will be complaining about

I am what you will not know how to handle,

On nights like these

And mornings like those,

Where I am lost at sea.

I am lost in words .

I am lost in souls.

I am the calm

And all of that chaos.

In your head I am the voice you will hear,

And if this makes you fear

The future that is near

It is good that 

You chose her.


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67 Reviews


Points: 152
Reviews: 67

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Thu Nov 17, 2016 8:01 pm
Charlotte2 wrote a review...



Hello! I feel like this poem is heartfelt, particularly in the last one, which I always like. Your title is effective when it comes to drawing people in, and you keep the reader hooked from the first line on. I love the first few lines. I think they are the strongest. One small critique I have though is that these lines right here:

"And if this makes you fear
The future that is near"

don't quite carry the same magic as the others do. They just seem a bit flat, in the sense of, they were written ust so the would rhyme. However, the two lines after that are very strong and leave the reader wanting more.

Overall, a very nice poem!




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223 Reviews


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Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:28 pm
ZeldaIsSheik wrote a review...



Wow. I can definitely feel the dark elements of this poem. I don't know for what you are making it, but it would go very well in a book of romantic poems. Maybe if you actually added some information, as in a little bit of backstory within the stanzas, maybe I would have understood the poem's purpose and meaning a bit more. Good work! I think that there is not much else you could do to make this poem get any better. CONGRATZ!




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8 Reviews


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Reviews: 8

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Sun Nov 13, 2016 5:45 pm
BelleTheWriter wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here for a review.

I really liked this poem. It had a lot of description and it made a clear image in my head, as well as told a story. There isn't anything I'd change about this poem. It was solid and strong and had a perfect balance, in my opinion, of everything.

Thanks for writing this. It was really fun to read this, it was a very good poem.

Sincerely,
-BelleTheWriter




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117 Reviews


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Sun Nov 13, 2016 4:20 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, Torshachatterjee!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

I spy with my little eye, a rhyme scheme at the near end of the poem. I personally suggest that you drop it. This being because the whole poem doesn't have to rhyme (which you clearly already know because only that little bit rhymes), but sometimes no rhyme at all is the way to go. It can block certain emotions due to a limited vocabulary, and hide meaning behind it's sing-songy melody.

I personally am not such a fan of all the repetition in the beginning of the poem. It may start out strong, but eventually could grow weak as the reader has already processed what you're trying to tell them. The reader may probably have already figured what the narrator is trying to tell the author, in this case, how much the narrator is important to the person that they're addressing. Not to mention that these result in longer lines which the reader has accustomed to, and the flow is kind of mixed up when transitioning to the smaller lines.

The grammar is alright, but the punctuation is a little off. It's used correctly in the areas that you did use it, but it should be consistent. If you're going to use punctuation, I suggest making it consistent, or cutting it out altogether (with some exceptions to both of those options, of course). What I mean by consistent is using it wherever it needs to be.

That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope my review helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^




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6 Reviews


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Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:40 am
Tiptoe wrote a review...



Hello Tiptoe here to review your piece! (I'm pretty new so excuse me if the review is bad)

First of all I like the feeling of light sadness and how it drifts through the reader with the short lines and the flow you create with few punctuation. The repetition of I am helps to make the poem stand out as a whole as the reader is able to relate to the narrator. It also brings out the lines in which I am is not used and causes the reader to pay close attention to those lines in the piece.

The title also drew me in as you use direct address as well as the pronoun of her as if the reader is the person you are talking to. Whilst free verse isn't generally my forté, I find that it works here as it acts as a presentation of you pouring your emotions onto a page.

Generally the punctuation and grammar is on point however I feel commas or full stops are needed if the next line starts with I am. Apart from that the only line that tripped me up whilst reading this poem out loud was: I am what you will not know how to handle. It kind of breaks the flow and the line itself makes little sense. Consider going back over this and maybe use less words to convey it - try reading the poem out loud.

Overall an emotional piece that I found pretty interesting to read.

:D






Thank you so much.I will keep that in mind.




"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984