Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
So this is a little rough as I was focusing more on getting the story out than worry about grammatical/ tense errors. But please feel free to correction me on them! I'd love to have any kind of feedback even if it's just a few sentences. Just let me know what you think and if you think I should continue this story.
“Liv, your turn!” Nina shrieked after downing a shot of pickle juice for her dare. Olivia and her three best friends sat lounged around on one of those big l-shaped sofas in Nina’s living room, giggling at the scrunched face Nina was making.
“Truth or dare?” Nina said suggestively wagging her eyebrows. Olivia always up for making life more exciting picked the latter choice. Her only fear was having to do anything involving her crush, but she pushed any more thoughts of that away.
“Okayyy lets do something risky! Olivia Rose Becker, I dare you to go to the house of your crush Jake Ellington, get him to come outside and give him a deep French kiss but you can’t say a word.” Nina clapped and grinned devilishly at the idea she came up with. Lucky me, thought Olivia spitefully, I knew this would happen. Why must I torture myself like this?
“Ew does there have to be tongue?” Said Olivia narrowing her brows.
“Come on biotch I know you want to! You’ve liked him for almost three years now. Time to finally do something about it. And yes tongue because it makes it much more fun for us to watch!” Nina grabbed her car keys and gestured to the front door, “ya’ll coming or am I going to have to drag you. Ever cheerful Annie jumped up her yellow, blonde curls bouncing along with her.
“Come on guys it’ll be fun. Babe, Livy, you know you’ve been dying to make out with him. Here’s your chance to show him how you really feel.” Olivia knowing there was no way to say no to Annie got up and pulled Katherine along with her.
“Ugh I do not need to go!” Katherine whined as Olivia gently nudged her out the door. “I’d rather just stay here and watch movies.”
“Come on, you have to go. I need moral support, cause we both know Nina and Annie are just going to be laughing their heads off. I know you really don’t want to deal with boys ever since you and Kevin broke up. But it’s been a long time. And I know you think Jake’s best friend Tyler is hot, maybe he’ll be there.”
“Okay fine,” and with that Katherine finally let herself be pushed out the door. The other girls had already started to car and beeped the horn twice.
“Hurry up guys! Let’s get this show on the road.” Nina said and sped off as soon as their doors barely closed.
With pop music blasting they pulled up in front of Jake’s house. Excitement and fear rose up in Olivia chest as she really thought about what she was about to do. What if this ruins everything? Was if he’s disgusted by me or worse actually likes me back!? And then we’d date for a few weeks and then break up because he’s bored of me. I’d rather have the hope of being with him someday. Than to be with him for a short time and then nothing. Ugh, whatever I’m overcomplicating things. Time to act like a dude and ignore my dumb feelings. With that last thought Olivia opened the door with the cheers and whoops from her friends and started walking towards his house.
The last time she’d been here was many years ago when everybody was friends in elementary school and he’d had his 10th birthday party. She’d vaguely remembered that his room was on the front left side of the house. She knelt down and looked for something to throw at his window. Perfect, she thought as she grabbed a couple of pebbles. She’d never threw rocks at anyone’s window so she tested her aim and gently tossed one up. It missed and barely made a tap on his shutter. So with a little more effort she tossed one up and hit her target. After throwing about five Jake appeared in front of his window with Tyler.
Recognizing her, he opened it and popped his head out. “Hey Olive girl whatcha doing here?” Olivia tried to keep away the smile that started creeping up her face as he’d remembered her childhood nickname.
Olivia’s grandma had emigrated from Greece and lived with them when she was little and would always pack olives in her lunch along with pita bread and hummus. So everyone used to refer to her as the Olive girl. But her grandma passed away a few years ago and without her there were no longer olives with her lunch and no more use for the nickname.
Realizing she was going to have to respond in some way and without speaking. Olivia widened her eyes and motioned him to come down.
“Okay fine, I’ll come down. But only cause Tyler needs some practice before I beat him yet another time in Total War Fare.”
“Hey you only beat me once out of the five matches we’ve been playing!” Jake gave him a friendly shove and ducked out of view. Moments later she heard the door clicking open and he stepped outside and walked over to her.
“So what was it you wanted?” Jake said running his fingers through his dark wavy hair. Olivia wringed her hands and looked down as she tried to think of how to do this.
Right when she has worked up her nerve Nina shouted, “Just kiss him already!”
“Uh what?” Jake looked at Nina in the car and then Olivia. Olivia turned and flipped Nina the bird, then turned and reached around Jake’s neck pulling him in for a kiss. As soon as he realized what was happening he was kissing her back and pulled her in closer.
“Yeah, get it man!” Tyler loudly chuckled from upstairs breaking apart their moment. She pulled away, embarrassed and felt red botches start to creep up her neck. Shit, I hate when this happens. Olivia groaned in her head and started to walk away when she felt Jake’s hand on her forearm spinning her back to face him.
“Olive what was that?” Jake said semi bewildered with a slight blush spreading across his cheeks. Thank god I’m not the only one turning red, she thought, though mine is a lot worse. By now her cheeks were bright red and there was a lovely pattern of red blotches spread about over her neck. Not knowing how to answer and not wanted to break the dare Olivia shrugged and slipped out of his grasp and ran back to the car.
In an afterthought right before she opened the door she turned back at him and shouted, “Call me sometime, lover boy!” Away from him her usual confidence returned and she gave a quick wave then darted into the backseat. With her girlfriends cracking up, she shouted. “GO NINA GO!” Even though she was feeling confident she wasn’t about to give him time to walk up to the car and demand an explanation.
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there! I know you already have a few reviews, but I thought I'd give another
Overall, I loved this story. When her and Jake started kissing and Tyler was all like “Yeah, get it man!” I burst into laughter, like you wouldn't believe! That line is just hilarious, and I can see a teenage boy saying that, too.
Now, I know you mentioned you weren't really focusing on grammar and what not, but I think you should consider making corrections sometime. Grammar and spelling is very important to a story, and though the content may be good, your readers will unintentionally (or some will intentionally) notice the grammar and spelling flaws. Throughout the story I noticed that when a character asks a question you use "said" for the tag. I think it might sound better if the tag was "asked". Other than that, The story itself was pretty awesome. It was a cute little teenage love story, with humor.
So, overall, you have a cute little story here, that i really enjoyed reading! I would love to see another story to follow this one, and give us some more details on how this thing will go with Olivia and Jake, but that's up to you as the writer! Good job on a very good story
(Sorry I posted this twice, but the first time it was as a comment. So sorry!)
Keep writing,
~Nora
Hey there! I know you already have a few reviews, but I thought I'd give another
Overall, I loved this story. When her and Jake started kissing and Tyler was all like “Yeah, get it man!” I burst into laughter, like you wouldn't believe! That line is just hilarious, and I can see a teenage boy saying that, too.
Now, I know you mentioned you weren't really focusing on grammar and what not, but I think you should consider making corrections sometime. Grammar and spelling is very important to a story, and though the content may be good, your readers will unintentionally (or some will intentionally) notice the grammar and spelling flaws. Throughout the story I noticed that when a character asks a question you use "said" for the tag. I think it might sound better if the tag was "asked". Other than that, The story itself was pretty awesome. It was a cute little teenage love story, with humor.
So, overall, you have a cute little story here, that i really enjoyed reading! I would love to see another story to follow this one, and give us some more details on how this thing will go with Olivia and Jake, but that's up to you as the writer! Good job on a very good story
Keep writing,
~Nora
Hey Toomanythoughts! Care for a review?
I thought the whole part where Olive throws the pebbles rather funny, because that's normally a cliché thing that stories feature guys doing! It was interesting that it was a girl throwing pebbles at someone's window, instead of the guy. Also I kind of like the moral feeling I get in the end, when they're in the car after the kiss... it just seems like Olive is having one of those 'why did I wait this long!' moments, and I think it's cool because it's almost saying 'listen to your friends, they KNOW STUFF' but maybe that's just me. O.O
This feels a bit info dumpy. I'm pretty sure Olivia doesn't need to be reminded of what her crushes full name is.
Yeah, this was quite info dumpy as well! We don't really need to know all in one paragraph all that stuff about Katharine. It is best to avoid stating things that the characters know, for informing the reader, because it doesn't sound like something normal people would say. A better way to let people know the past on a person, is have the MC think it. So instead of Olive saying to her friend that she knows about all that stuff, you could have Olive think it in a way that explains why she chose to say that to Katharine.
Example: "Hey, you know... Tyler might be there." Katharine had been avoiding boys since her last boyfriend, but Olivia knew that she thought Tyler was hot.
Don't be afraid to let people figure out some things for themselves, we're smarter then you think.
But what song was it? How did it make Olivia feel on this traumatic evening? Who was the artist? How did the music sound through Nina's car speakers? Enlighten us somehow! Music is an amazing way to bring people into your story, especially if they've heard the song before. One of the awesome-est thing to include in your writing ( something you should always try to include ) is the five senses; sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell. What's evn cooler is to add the sixths sense - intuition/gut feelings - because it just adds to the reality of your story.
Guys have feelings too!!! Seriously, girls always seem to think that guys are these heartless, brutal, brainless robots built for killing... But they're not! Guys have feelings too, they just express them differently then females.
This certainly was a fun read! I don't understand that girls would do that to each other ( my friends aren't like that, I can talk them out of making me do things normally ), honestly the whole game, Truth or Dare is cruel. I mean, it can be fun if people are nice and don't choose things like, you know, about crushes and all, but oh well!
This was pretty good! Keep it up!!!
-Socks
Oops.
Oh my god tell me more!!! I love story's like these and the sespense and the waiting and your friends are mean! But kinda nice for doing that.
So,like me you are new and my first story and poem were not very good and I read these and thy helped a lot. So READ THEM ⬇⬆. They will help. If you need any help message me and I will be happy to help. Annyway , lata lady.
Love, Whosabell
Oh my god tell me more!!! I love story's like these and the sespense and the waiting and your friends are mean! But kinda nice for doing that.
So,like me you are new and my first story and poem were not very good and I read these and thy helped a lot. So READ THEM ⬇⬆. They will help. If you need any help message me and I will be happy to help. Annyway , lata lady.
Whosabell
Hello, welcome to YWS! I'm Flash, here for a quick review!
I noticed that you said that you really weren't focused on the grammar and stuff, but grammar and other things are pretty important in making a great story. Sometimes we get too excited to write and later realize, "Oh, this grammar is horrible and I've changed tenses..." etc. I totally get that, but take a few minutes to read through and check your grammar.
Okay, onto the mistakes I found:
Ever cheerful Annie jumped up her yellow, blonde curls bouncing along with her.
^I would consider changing this entire sentence to: "Every cheerfully, Anne jumped up with her blonde curls bouncing with her." This sentence doesn't flow well.
Okay fine,” and with that Katherine finally let herself be pushed out the door
^On the very first two words, I would probably change the comma to a period and let "and" be the start of a new sentence.
There's a few places that need commas, but I'm not going to comb through this work and look for them again. They are very small mistakes that many overlook anyway.
The main thing I noticed throughout the piece is that the paragraphs contained the actions of many characters. Obviously it seems you know the rule "make a new paragraph when every character speaks." But did you know that you also make a new paragraph when every character does something? For example:
“Yeah, get it man!” Tyler loudly chuckled from upstairs breaking apart their moment. She pulled away, embarrassed and felt red botches start to creep up her neck.
^I'm not going to quote the entire paragraph, but do you see how it goes from Tyler speaking to Olivia's embarrassment? When the story "focusses" on a new character a new paragraph is made for the sake of clarity.
Overall, it was an entertaining story! I feel like it needed some more physical description, though. Keep writing!
~Flash
Hello!
Lets get right down to it shall we? First, your piece was a lot of fun to read. There are a few places where the flow of your work is a little rocky, try reading your piece outloud while editing, it helps me loads. In the last sentence, for example, you could add a comma after confident to give the sentence a little more bounce. Also make sure your dialouge doesn't slip from realistic to cliche. I hope you had a lot of fun writing your story, I had a lot of fun reading it!
Good work and good luck!