I will say that I have not played your game as well, however, I can still criticize based off of storytelling. And honestly? You need a lot more storytelling.
Introduction
So here's the thing I love and hate about fanfiction--it's building off another world already created. That means it can open up new pathways to stories the original author didn't think about, but it also means the author of the fanfiction can hide behind a better work to cover their shoddy writing. I think you did both of those things simultaneously, which isn't rare, but is still rather impressive. I feel like this work could've had a bit more potential, if it wasn't for the things that I'm going to mention soon enough.
The Beginning
This story is based off of events that occured in the game Dwarf Fortress (if you have not heard of it, its basically a game that is so original that it makes its own stories). So the procedural generated names may be strange or made up. It will be short, imagine it like someone telling a story at a tavern or over a fire.
Let's get the spellchecking aside: It's occurred, not occured. There, that's it. Also, put your thing into a spellchecker, there are tons of grammatical errors in there whether you realize it or not.
However, content-wise, this is not the best way to explain to the audience about what's happening. An authors note is good when its explaining some inconsistencies in continuity, but when its explaining how the reader should read the work and where it's set in and what they should feel, that's when it crosses the line. If you want the reader to look at your work as if it was being told in a tavern, write it as if it was being told in a tavern. Have the person talking seem drunk. Or describe the scenery beforehand. The workers from before were escorted to the tavern, so why didn't you take it from their perspective? Why did you choose to put it in such a callous, cold, distant voice of some vicious Lord?
The Ending
I felt like the climax of the battle would've been more impactful, if you didn't smash it into one paragraph. Space, dear Author. One needs it. A paragraph break after two or three sentences is definitely good, and its good to finish a scene certainly. You almost took that advice, but only in the least climactic moment, which is when the workers were saved. Come on? No dramatic pause for our valiant hero? No great silence for our fallen beast?
Main Criticisms
-You didn't build up Urists' character. At all. Perhaps if we knew a little bit more about his character, his heroic death would impact me more than it did. But as it stands, the Central Conflict (which is the strange monster) is too overused and generic to be strong enough to make the story stand out. In that case, the main character has to be more powerful than the plot, more poignant and three dimensional. Unfortunately, you almost immediately have him sacrifice himself, without any hint of who he was before his death. We hardly knew ye, indeed.
-I'm still peeved about that single paragraph thing. Seriously. Authors should stop doing that. When the reader is reading, they can't make the pauses themselves--the author has to give them a paragraph break so that they know when there's a change of scene or a more suspenseful action occurring. Smashing the whole thing together only ends up condensing the action, making it much less impactful than it actually is. What are my eyes supposed to be looking at? What's the focus here? Where are the important statements and where are the descriptions? It's all a wall of text to me, Dave, there's nothing for me to look at.
Main Praises
-With that being said, I liked how you were trying to tell a good story from something you love. Fanfiction can lead to many wonderful things, and given enough sharpening I think this story could be a good expansion of your game.
Take care,
--Elliot.
Points: 19607
Reviews: 383
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