The Stranger Inside of Me

I based this story off the Everly Brothers. "Crying in The Rain."

*Please note. This is a, "Tape recording."

"If I wait for cloudy skies, you won't no the rain from the tears in my eyes."

This is what goes through my mind on those wet days where the sky grumbles and groans, it's as if a giant is up their and it's hungry.

Like the cancer inside of me.

Maybe you won't see the anger in my eyes. Possessed anger.

I cry a lot now. Never outside, people may see me and think I'm crazy.

Maybe I am crazy.

The sun is a fleeting visitor to the skies now. Like the happiness in my life, taken by this cursed cancer that plagues my body.

You know how people say you can feel it?

I can feel it, touch it, taste it and see it. I'm just a shadow of my former self. Dark rings under my eyes, like I'd had an unsuccessful boxing match.

My eyes, once they were beautiful blue shiny orbs. Are now just dull, the light has been switched off, so to speak. But no, that's wrong their is life, a stranger. I see a foreigner in the mirror. Someone I have never seen before.

Perhaps my family sees it too?

Because, my wife and kids look at me like I'm some freak from the old circus shows. I see how their eyes, grow in horror. I see not a but of pity. But why should they?

I've changed. I've hurt people. People i love.

I don't envy my wife, for taking the kids and hurrying them off to their grandmothers.

I welcome it.

I could feel the anger radiating off my body, my kids wouldn't talk to me. They were afraid, i too, was afraid.

Of myself. Or what I might do..

I feel so goddamn angry.

Eyes everywhere. Surveying you from across the street, from windows, their jaws dropping at the sight of me.

I've lost weight, i have no hair. Damn chemotherapy.

So paranoid.

I'm on the first hole on my belt.

Ironic, my wife always said i should lose some weight. Well i have dear. Do you like the new me?

She doesn't love me. I try to talk to her on the phone. She seems, distant. Her mind on other things.

Like she has something to worry about!

Whose dying here?

Divorce? Been running through my mind a lot lately. Murder and suicide as well.

Even a simple trip down to the shops, becomes a battle with my mind. I see a young vibrant couple, smiling full of love. One look at me, and they stop and frown, and almost cringe away, as if i what i have is catching.

Bitch, snooty little slut. I had thought.

I nearly lost it. I held tightly onto my shopping cart, until my knuckles went a milky white color.

I left in a rush, like i needed to go to the bathroom. Leaving my groceries cart in the aisle.

I fought back tears. I must have looked a sight.

I could almost here the shop clerk saying to a customer as i rushed out, looking flushed and red as a tomato.

"Oh there goes crazy old Bill Weathers. Poor fellow cancer you see."

I'm so frightened. This cancer it brings out a personality inside of you, that you think you never had.

Reminds me of a line in a Steve King Book. "I believe there is a man inside every man, a stranger."

I feel like a stranger in my own body. I"m tainted. I hate the new me. But there's another side, who welcomes it.

And no amount of medication can suppress that feeling.

It's raining outside. I cannot hide it, I'll do my crying in the rain tonight.

I might visit my dear kids. Maybe one last kiss for dear Dad.

RECORDING ENDS

I'm losing control. I have to end it. Must end it.

Love you all. I'm so sorry, for what I've done.

RECORDING ENDS

Excerpt from Morning newspaper

Man Found Dead In Apartment 1/8/11

A middle aged man, who has been identified as Bill Weathers has been found dead, in an apparent suicide, in his apartment today. It is believed he has been suffering from cancer. I cassette recording was found near the body. Story continues page three.

Morning newspaper Headline. (The Next Day)

Two Boys and Grandmother. Found Murdered in Their Home

Reporting officer, Jim Brown, said that it was an exceedingly violent triple murder. "It was like a painter's workshop." Brown stated to the press. "Like a man possessed, had entered the place and literally cut loose with an axe, unable to control himself."