“Please mum, don't go!” I scream frantically at the top of my lungs, trying anything to keep my
so-called mother from leaving me this very afternoon, perhaps forever. At the moment light is
glittering through our streak-free windows, making the complection of my face look rather tanned
when in reality it is quite the opposite. The outdoor temperature has finally reached something mildly
warm, allowing beautiful birds to glide through the peaceful spring breeze. Flowers are slowly and
steadily blooming, making sure to release pollen for all those with allergies. Overall, you'd think it
would be a picture perfect day for any ordinary four-year-old boy, except for me.
Obsessive screaming didn't even seem to faze Diana, my mother. It was as if she just didn't
care, didn't love me, enjoyed this pitiful abandonment. For a while I silently pondered how she could
do this, walk away from the something she loved – although these thoughts just made the realism of her
not loving me come true.
Quickly my depressed stature ceased while my eyes depicted the curves around her face loosen
as she removed her blank expression and sprouted a frown. Never before have I thought someone's
mopey face to be so beautiful, so relieving. I stopped my screaming, and began smiling. Unfortunately
all that seemed to do it allow her to build up the courage to nod to my father, Arnold, and turn to leave
once again.
“OI, GET UP!”
I began my screaming once again, this time attempting to run after her like an animal trying to
escape it's hunter. My efforts were soon apprehended by my malevolent father. He grabbed my
shoulders and held me back from her, although this did not stop my screaming or weeping. I peered up
at my fathers warm blue eyes, a close but mere representation of my own. A wave of sympathy ran
over me like a tsunami as I saw tears shining across his face. Maybe he isn't so evil after all, I thought
to myself, still fighting to break his powerful grip.
White blotches have began to appear where my peripheral vision should be, probably due to
lack of oxygen from screaming and fighting, but even that didn't stop me when I finally broke free from
my Father's grasp. I began to scurry toward the door, where my mother was previously. She was now
on the sidewalk, steadily making her way to the luxurious black limousine. Just from the scent of fresh
paint of it you could tell it was highly expensive.
It felt like a bolt of lightning shoot up my leg as Arnold pounced beside me to grab my ankle.
My stomach churned when I realised nothing I could possibly do would be able to save my me by
saving my mother. I stopped resisting my father, gaping at my mother opening the door, climbing on
the leather seat, buckling her...
“GET UP, WE NEED TO GO!”
Suddenly, the blotches grew. I didn't even notice I was still yelling until I stopped. The only
thing on my agenda now was taking a proper breath. I tried to inhale slowly but I couldn't, I was too
worked up. My dad was on his feet now, holding on to me with all of his might. Please help me, I
thought, unable to speak, Please...
My legs clasped. I fell, nearly paralyzed. My father saw me fall, the aftermath being him
becoming shocked. He let go of me, a bad decision.
I felt the plush carpet massage my face as it smashed against it, unable to do anything else.
Arnold tried to pick me back up, but when he couldn't get me to stand on my two feet he returned me to
my original position and rushed to the phone. He was yelling, and the only thing I could see was that
black limousine, driving away into the distance.
I felt myself force out the painful word, “Mum...”, when everything finally turned into a
peaceful darkness.
My friend shook me awake. I blinked rapidly to try and remove some sleep from my eyes.
“Finally your awake! I've been trying to get you up for nearly twenty minutes!” he shouted at
me, fully dressed and groomed. I, on the other hand, was lying in bed with only my boxers and a
blanket.
I forced a grunt out of my mouth that sounded something like “Whut tymn iz eet?”.
“What time is it? It's ten to nine, so get your butt outa bed or we're gonna be late for school!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Wow, that was a really powerful first chapter!
Most of your story has been nitpicked except for it's complexion not complecion.
I also really like the fact that you're writing from a guy's perspective...very interesting. Can't wait for the next chapter!
I saw this story posted as romantic fiction and thought "Oh goody! Something easy and uplifting!"
Oh well.
That was really good. I like the fact that you're a female writing this from a Male's perspective. I don't know why but I always find that interesting. I think all the nitpicks have been nitpicked already; so let me just say great job! Though I don't really understand yet why his mother is an important part of the story; it was a nice way to begin and you can play off of that when it comes to the romance part of the story (he's afraid of being abandoned? Wants a girlfriend who's strong and let's her take charge of his decisions? Ecetera) But maybe you have your own wonderful reason for putting it in.
I really, really want to read the next installment
~Meagan
I thought it was really relly good.
I loved your use of adjectives.
I don't know why, but I really liked this bit. It's so much better than saying It looked expensive.
I thought that was well written as well.
-Laura
hey! Sakura here. you may or may not be familiar with me, but I am a nice reviewer. Simply because I don't look for the faults of one's piece, but for the perfections. So:
I totally liked that line. Don't ask why, I am just weird. It just seemed to fit or something. All in all I can very much relate to your story, being to the fact that my own father left me young, but thankfully is now living with us all and the past is what it is. So I just thought, from the perspective of somebody who HAS experienced this, that it was very well captured. I love it so don't listen to ANYONE if they diss your style. We all have our styles right? Unless you needed someone to point out mistakes, or over the top cliches and stuff but other than that. Peace out! Any time you need a review gimme a shout. x
thank you very much for all the help!
Hi!
This is good, but it needs some work. I'll start off with the nit-picks:
I think this sentence is a bit overloaded, especially for a beginning. I'm not sure if calling her a 'so-called' mother really works here, especially as you're emphasising the fact the the MC obviously still wants her to stay very much, and he's acting more upset than angry. Also, 'this very afternoon' sounds a bit wordy, maybe, if possible, leave it out?
I know the MC is happy with the change of expression on his mother's face, but would anyone really smile when they know their mother's leaving them? Maybe he could just feel relieved that she's showing emotion.
It's unclear who's saying this... I suppose it's the friend who's trying to wake up the MC, to to be honest, it's slightly confusing.
I really liked this similie!
The tenses are a little mixed here... It should be: 'where my mother had been previously'.
Okay... now, to the tenses. I noticed that the first paragraph is in present tense, yet the rest is in past. Choose which you prefer, whichever would be best for the dream. Personally, I think present would be better all the way through, seeing as in a dream, one sees what's happening at the present time. Your choice, though.
Also, maybe cut back a little on the description? Usually dreams aren't so descriptive...
However, when it comes to the mother, perhaps a little more describing would be okay. We don't know much about her, and therefore cannot feel the same way about her as the MC.
That's all I can think of for now!
Keep writing!
thanks for the advice. I'll take it into consideration.
I like it. But I think your dream paragraphs be shorter. Thats the only thing that I think you should do! If you write more I will deff. read more=]..
--Jessie.
I'm not quite sure about this one.. Comments,questions,ideas would be appreciated