Krill glanced at his hand. Damned boy! The child slipped his knife through my defense. The hand had taken a fair strike, but Krill was sure that it would heal fine with proper time and attention. Few had bested him in armed combat since he had taken the title Captain of the Guard, yet this boy had slipped in and struck him. Impressive fool!
Krill turned away from the window and approached the door. There is no need now for secrecy or deceit. He removed a ring of keys from his belt and selected the correct one. Reaching the door, Krill unlocked it and walked through. He proceeded to the courtyard, where most of his squad had already assembled. He took one look at them before speaking. “We are still missing several soldiers.”
One of the younger men gathered there spoke up, “Well, sir, we wanted to be certain that no one was left alive, as you ordered. A few of the men are still in the main building doing a final search of the fortress.”
“That accounts for two or three men, what about the other ones who are missing.” Krill reached in his saddlebags and pulled out his riding gloves. He did not want his men to see the wounded state of his hand.
“Well, sir, it seems that a few of our men met with difficulties in the building. We seem to have obtained some injuries.” Several men shifted their gaze away from Krill at the utterance of this news.
“Soldiers!”
The men stiffened. They knew when their captain wanted attention.
“Karp, why do you favor your right leg?”
Karp glanced at Krill, skittish. He tried to even out his weight, but his leg would not hold him. He caught his balance just before he should have fallen.
The young soldier spoke again, “Karp was one of those who were injured, Captain. His hamstring is torn.”
Krill fixed the young soldier with a firm stare. “I see. Am I to assume then, that the rest of those who are missing are also injured? I did not think it possible for a fortress of unarmed servants to injure even one of my men so grievously that he would be unable to present himself here.” He motioned to those assembled. “Yet we are missing five, or more?”
The soldier continued, apparently unaware of how far he was stepping out of line, “Well, sir, I am afraid that you are mistaken. There were only two injuries, but they were quite severe, and three men were required to bring the last one out. I would expect them to be here soon.”
Krill nodded slowly, “I see. Answer me one more question, soldier. Why are you the one telling me all of this, and not my lieutenant?”
“Well, sir…”
At that moment, the doors of the main building opened. Four men emerged. Three of the men carried the fourth, who clearly had limited movement, if any at all. They walked down the steps and set the man before Krill.
He recognized the wounded man immediately. It was his lieutenant.
“What happened to these two men?”
Even the young soldier who had supplied the captain with answers to his previous questions seemed timid at the sound of the captain’s voice. Eventually he spoke, “Well, sir, we are not entirely sure. Karp, as you know, had a hamstring cut. The lieutenant here, um, well, he took a slash across the back, and a deep one at that. It might have severed his backbone. As for who did this to them, well, we know it was not any of the servants.”
Krill nodded. As soon as the soldier had finished speaking the boy hurried back to the line and remained there, intimidated by the imposing aura the captain had donned. The lieutenant shook as he stared up at Krill, eyes wide with pain and pleading.
Krill turned. He drew his crescent-blade as the three soldiers who had carried the lieutenant returned to the line. “You should feel proud to have this fate, lieutenant. It is certainly a better one than what befalls most men in your position. Although, I cannot say that I have known many other men in your position.”
Krill stood over the lieutenant and looked down on the man, annoyed. Then he raised his weapon and struck down with absolute precision, piercing the lieutenant’s throat.
A few of the men flinched, including the young man who had been responsible, however indirectly or unknowingly, for the man’s execution. Those who had been with the elite squad for long did not react in the slightest. They were used to such occurrences.
Krill turned to the young soldier, who was struggling to keep his breathing under control, “Congratulations, soldier, you have proved to me your competence. The King will be receiving my personal recommendation for you to be promoted to the position of lieutenant.” Krill then raised his voice so all the soldiers could hear. “We are through here, the target has been eliminated. We are now leaving. Mount up!”
As the men began to prepare for the long journey ahead of them, Krill motioned for two of his most experienced soldiers to come over to him. “Karp failed. Ensure that he does not survive the journey.”
“Yes, sir.”
Krill mounted his horse and viewed the scene around him. His lieutenant, an excellent soldier and a man Krill had come to trust and confide in, was dead. His blood poured over the steps like a crimson waterfall. Another member of the elite squad that Krill commanded also needed to be executed for incompetence.
And this was all for what? It was all for the King, because he was paranoid about his son. Well, the King had gotten his wish. He had sent his elite guard to personally assassinate the prince. And Krill, his captain, had personally done the job.
The captain was furious. Damned boy! Krill glanced at his hand.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ooo, I see I am not the first to give this one a whack, so I appologize if I repeat anything. So, here goes, and you know I only shred because I care?
find another word besides “fine” please!
you already told us this, perhaps say something like “but this boy was special” (except without the obtuse cliché of that phrase, if you know what I mean
not sure here, but I think you’d do better to have a comma after “speaking”
we know he’s “gathered there,” you don’t need to state it, and it made me go like “huh?” at first
Just a note here: you keep surprising me! Just when I think I know where we are and what’s going on, I realize “Oh, no, we’re not fighting the ‘young fool;’ um, no, he’s not just reviewing his troops; ect.” Trust me, I find this a good thing, it keeps me on my toes, I just wanted you to know that that’s how it affect me.
Hello, Verbosity Exterminator here.
oh no, you did not just say “utterance.” I know you did not just say “utterance!”
Um, I think the exclamation mark was enough of a hint that he wants their attention, you really don’t need that last sentence.
oh ouch!
Ah!
darling, again with the verbosity…I’m pretty sure we’d get it if you just said “the young soldier”
Just skimming the next few paragraphs, I found that you start with “Krill + verb” very regularly, as evidenced here. Just a thought, it does get a little repetitive.
this is really just a pet-peeve of mine, but I really don’t like the word “occurrences,” and there are so many other wonderful words that could go there. Trust me, darling, I do such things as well. Ask Shafter to tell you about “obvious relish” sometime
This may just be me, but Krill doesn’t strike me as the kind of man to use five words when two will do. As such, you might want to cut down on his dialogue, make it sort of less wordy, as it were.
We already know that the squad is elite and that Krill commands it—you don’t have to reiterate these facts
This was going fine, until “It was all for.” I think you could have skipped that, maybe gone straight into “Because the king was paranoid about his son.” Also, you could probably cut the sentence that starts, “Well, the King,” as you tell us that later.
ooo! Nice twist, darling! Although, you might want to combine the first and last sentences, as it feels a bit awkward, and it might me more elegant to end with the sentence in italics.
Please know that I really did enjoy this piece, darling! Trust me, I don't crit things unless I think they have potential. Although, I have to admit, it did make me chuckle that the only two people you named had...well...fish names. "Krill" and "Karp"? Yeah...anyway.
Let me know of your progress with this story, and if there's anything else I can help you with!
Yay! tjmk has a story on YWS!! *does a happy dance*
I'm not sure I like the use of the adjective "skittish" here. It sounds a bit awkward. Maybe I would use a different adjective to describe how Krill is feeling/acting here. Or maybe it would be better to use an adverb.I like it! I especially like Krill's character. I hear your voice when I read his thoughts and dialog. I also really like Karp. I hope to read more about him sometime. You really should develop his character further.
I agree for the most part with kitty15 and Shafter.
You did a good job of feeding information to the reader just when it's needed. Not all at once, so that we're flooded with information, but you don't hold back so that the reader gets frustrated by not knowing what's going on.
I like the way you keep us guessing about this boy who injured Krill. At first I wondered if maybe he was working with the boy in some sort of training bout. The way you revealed the truth at the very end served as a nice shock.
Two men? Only one was carried out. Are you referring to Karp here? It's a bit unclear.
Oooh! Who was it, then? That's not a criticism. I like it. It's foreboding.
First off, I would put a comma after "speaking." More importantly, I had to look twice to figure out that "the soldier" and "the boy" were the same person. If this guy's going to be doing much more of importance, it might be a good idea to go ahead and have Krill ask the soldier's name. Otherwise, make it clear who you're referring to.
Nice little monologue! I'm not sure I understand what "position" he's talking about, or why he should be proud to have that fate, though. But perhaps that's a bit of information for somewhere else in the story. Just put it in somewhere.
At the risk of echoing Shafter, I would eliminate the word "unknowingly."
I would use a period or semicolon, rather than a comma after "We are through here." I'm not sure the "We are now leaving" bit is needed. Why else would they mount up?
I would take the word "personally" out. It's unnecessary, as you say essentially the same thing in the next sentence.
I like the way you ended the excerpt! It recalls the beginning and sort of brings the whole thing full circle, plus it reveals who the boy is. If I had a wound in my hand that I had covered with a glove, I would probably glance at it from time to time, too. Especially if I felt embarrassed or guilty about it. I sort of disagree with what Shafter said about describing feeling blood soaking through or the leather irritating the wound. While that description might be good somewhere, e.g. when he first puts the gloves on, I like the simple way that it ends here.
Well, great story so far! I look forward to reading more. Sorry if I wrote waaay more than you wanted to hear from me. I guess I kinda got carried away.
... It's just occurred to me that you and I haven't had any contact over YWS yet. You do know who I am, right? *sniggers*
Okey-doke, tj, do you really want me to edit this? I mean, really? If you don't want it shredded, stop reading now.
Still with me?
Well then, you asked for it...
This is a great hook, but you're telling too much. Who can think in complete, exposition-filled sentences when they've just gotten their hand slashed open? I think you could delete the third sentence entirely, because the same basic information is conveyed in a less clumsy manner later in the paragraph.
Question mark, not period, after "missing."
How about simply "wounded hand"? It's more concise.
Again, you're overexplaining. Just from what we've seen of Krill so far, we know he's a formidable guy. "They knew when their captain wanted attention" doesn't really add anything.
Aw, I like Karp! Not sure why, I just do.
Good exposition. Now I know what's going on without it seeming forced.
How about "Karp" instead of "The soldier"? I had to look back to figure out who you were talking about.
Can you show that he's stepping out of line rather than telling?
How are they carrying him? On a stretcher? Slung across their shoulders?
Whoa whoa whoa! I'm drowning in words here! There has to be a simpler way to say this.
I have a bad feeling about this...
Good buildup.
"Crescent-blade," hmm? Cool.
I like Krill's monologues.
"Indirectly" and "unknowingly;" two adverbs in one sentence! I think you could reword it to delete at least one of them. The last sentence is telling again. Show how jaded the soldiers have become so the reader can draw his own conclusion.
Star Wars moment!
Period, not comma, after "control."
This made me flinch. It really did. (Because of the harshness of the command, not the quality of the writing.
Show, don't tell! Some of this might be turned into a direct thought, but make sure you're not forcing information down the reader's throat.
How about just, "And this was all for what? The King, because..." This avoids repetition.
Two problems: First, never, ever say, "[the character] was [emotion]." You're good enough to show the readers how Krill's feeling without forcing it.
Second, Krill's wearing riding gloves now. How about he feels the blood soaking his glove or the leather grating against his wound or something?
Overall, I liked it a lot. Great characterization, smooth dialogue, and the pacing is really good. I know this is from the middle of the story, so you don't have to explain any more, but I'm intrigued.
You tend to be too wordy; do you read everything you write aloud? Sometimes that helps me. You also want to cheat the readers by feeding them information rather than showing them the information and letting them draw their own conclusions. Just keep an eye out for that as you write. Also, like me, you describe only with thoughts and vision. Add some other senses in there: taste, touch, smell. Use all the senses to create a mood-- I think a little more atmosphere would add a lot to this.
Yes, I'm coming down really hard on you for first draft (and it's very good for a first draft!). Ignore as you wish, and keep pounding out your word counts every day! If you ever feel like letting me read more (without critiquing), please send some to me. I'd love to read it.
Cheers! ~Shafter
Ooooh. You have an interesting character here and I loved your descriptions. Neither too text heavy or too full of dialogue. A very good ballance. I have just the one specific point...
Krill reached in his saddlebags and pulled out his riding gloves. [I think this would work better if you said into his saddlebags. I'm not sure why but I always prefer to use into in this sort of situation.]
Other than that though, I can't fault you on your spelling or use of words. Altogether, an interesting piece of writing.