Circus

Sargsauce, I appreciate your honesty in the review. i corrected the semicolon. When i reread it, i noticed i was wrong, so thank you. However, i'd like to justify rushing through the story. First, it's not really a story, but at the time i submitted this (10 seconds after making an account) i didn't know there was an 'other' option. I hate to say this, because the whole point of this was to make people see it themselves, (Though i'm starting to realize it's my fault for not making this clearer) but when she sees 'a little girl' staring back at her. It's her. I described her the entire paragraph as 'the little girl' in the hopes that someone would pick up on that. The reason she sees her own reflection in the fourth cell is because she too is deformed. She's not phyisically deformed like the people around her in the tent, but she chuckles and thinks 'watching freaks is so much fun.' When you look over it again, she no longer seems brave or cute, but uncaring for these people, in an almost cruel way. I wrote this yesterday, so i'll make changes to it. I'll probably make the story longer , like you suggested and attempt to make the message more clear. I'm sorry i wasn't able to convey it the way i wanted and appologize if i confused anyone.

P.S. You know the saying "Save the best for last?" It's really vague and near impossible to pick up on, but by making her the last 'freak' in the line, i was trying to say that she's the most deformed of all.

Soooo...now what? Is this just a campfire story? Or will there be more? The words are okay, but it's so quick and cursory that we don't even know what your intention was. You don't take the time to give us a mood. Are we supposed to be horrified? Scared? Excited?

Slow down. Inject some feeling and mood. You give us these things so matter-of-factly, that we go, "Okay, that's nice, what about it?"

If you want thoughtful reviews, you'll need to give us a thoughtful piece. Okay, so there was a freak show tent. What about it? Why should we care? It's been given to us with less feeling than your typical evening news. "There was an accident on the highway. Ten people died. A fire broke out at the orphanage and burned it down. I have cancer. The world is ending." Give us something more to relate/react to.

You have this as your subtitle:

It's my take on equality and discriminating against others.

in the far corner of his cage; fidgeting in his white jacket.

Ahg! Cliff Hanger! I love it ! Corrections in blue, Compliments in red , Questions in pink

By the way welcome to YWS!

In a small town on the outskirts of a great nation, a circus came to life.#FF0000 ">I like this, you said came to life instead of "Some random dude built a circus" This circus was split in two separate parts. One was drowning in music and lights #FF0000 ">Nice choice of words with clowns, lions, and men and women on stilts dancing through the crowd. The other half was partly hidden by the trees of a dark December forest; #FF0000 ">I like it it makes it sound creepy. no lights or music came from this tent, no merriment or laughter. Few ventured here for fear of what they might find. The freaks hid behind these curtains, staring back with empty eyes. A little girl, too curious to heed fair warning, ducked inside the blood rent #FF00FF ">(Rent or Red?) tent. There was a narrow passage before her, with cages lining the peeling gray walls #FF00FF ">(If its a tent how are there peeling walls?). The little girl yelped as her eyes fell on the creature beside her. Lying there with decaying flesh beneath her silken dress was a teenage girl. Her long brown hair curled beneath her crumbling cheek and missing eye. The little girl turned, smiling, to see behind her a terrifying thing. #0000FF ">I think a comma would go better there Two children had been sewn into a singular two headed beast. Unlike the decaying creature, these two kept their eyes locked on the little girls every movement. Thrilled, the little girl hurried on down the path. The next cage contained a madman, laughing to himself from his place in the far corner of his cage; fidgeting in his white jacket. The girl chuckled. Watching freaks was so much fun. As her eyes fell on the next horror behind bars, she went silent. Staring back at her was a little girl.

Whoa whoa whoa! You can't leave me with a cliff hanger like that! This is a amazing short you have going here. Love the visuals you give. Of course I'd like to know more about this curious, fearless, little spirit of a girl, but I'm guessing that I would if the story went on. I see this is your first post on Yws so I'd like to say Welcome! Hope you enjoy poking around and reading everyone's work. Keep writing this is great!