Published May 26, 2005
As I wait here
Waiting for someone to come back
And tell me that I’m loved
That I’m still alive
That I’m forgiven
I still don’t know
What yesterday will do
To save my soul
Where do I feel free?
As if tragedy can never break anything down
Against my power
Against my will
Against my determination.
Who knows everything,
Where tomorrow’s dawn
Will take place?
The world is vast
Life may have taken everything seriously
It’s wide
It’s fulfilled
It’s promised
Now I can see
When leaves may fall down
Signifying autumn
Nature, surely, has its place…
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140,109 Literary Works • 673,015 Reviews
Yay tinkerbell!!! You submitted a poem!
Em, this was okaay. I really don't know what to say. I'll let my crit speak for itself...
As I wait here (good beginning though I think you should put it an adjective. For instance, 'As I wait here in my prolonged agony')
Waiting for someone to come back (Come BACK?Back from where?)
And tell me that I’m loved (Eh, this was just okay. Try to make it more powerful, more colorful. 'To know I'm worthwhile, to know I am loved' perhaps.)
That I’m still alive
That I’m forgiven (Hm... interesting. I don't know what to say about the first line. Forgiven from what? Clarify)
I still don’t know
What yesterday will do
To save my soul (This was confusing. If you are speaking of the past not being able to save you now, I understand, but it was still a little unclear)
Where do I feel “belonged”? (I did not like this. belonged is not used grammatically correct and is not a very colorful word. Try using something more powerful)
As if tragedy can never break anything down (break anything down? Watch your adjectives. That sounds like too much. How about 'break down anything' of you must use those 3 adjectives.)
Against my power
Against my will
Against my determination. (Pretty good. Love your nouns and I didn't have a problem with the repetition of 'against' but I know that some people don't like that.)
Who knows everything (Is this a question or an adjective clause?)
Where tomorrow’s dawn
Will take place? (good)
The world is vast (very nice)
Life may have taken everything seriously (What does this have to do with a vast world?)
It’s wide
It’s fulfilled
It’s promised
(You don't need hte its's on the second two lines)
Now I can see
When leaves may fall down
Signifying autumn
Nature, surely, has its place…
Ah,very good! Clever!
This poem has potential but needs work. Nice job! Keep writing.
Where do I feel “belonged”?
and
The world is vast
Didn't seem correct. I don't know. These two lines truly bothered me.
Against my power
Against my will
Against my determination.
This, and the other two times the first word was repeated was rather annoying.
Other than that, I think it was an okay poem. I don't know if I've ever read anything else by you, but this just wasn't that impressive. :/ I'm sure you can do better. :)