It belongs to no building
It bears no art
It merely stands
amidst a battle;
one that has been fought
since it was built.
And you can see the holes
made by bullets of hatred.
The people come to heal
their wounds, bandaging them with
simple prayers.
They lean their heads against It,
in a commune of pain and
understanding.
It is hard to know
who is supporting the other.
It has crumbled and eroded,
wept tears of dust,
watched as all fell
around it.
The wall seems to know
that it will too fall,
as all things do.
But even then, in Its destruction,
It shall be a monument
of hope.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
(pre-apology for horrible critique)
i loved this. this was amazing. i think you should fix the line breaks of the last stanza. this is my suggestion:
but even then, in its destruction
it shall be a monument of hope
OR
but even then,
in it's destruction,
it shall be a monument of hope
OR
but even then,
in it's destruction,
it shall be a monument
of hope
(just suggestions)
The wall seems to know
that it will too fall,
as all things do.
But even then, in Its
destruction, It shall be a monument
of hope.
I really liked these lines a lot. It echoes of the futility of everything, and yet in its futility, you see the struggle and hopes. (That probably made no sense, and if not, just ignore it) But I really thought it was beautifully worded and the imagery really spoke to me.
Which wall are you referring to?
But even then, in Its
destruction, It shall be a monument
of hope.
This is a really excellent line. I love it.
And I was pleasantly surprised to find someone writing about the Wailing Wall... it's not too well known (around here at least). I liked this a great deal.
Berlin wall? Cool though. Sorry, I really suck at critiques. Nice and simple though.
Flaws have been corrected. Thanks a lot. That was a helpful critique.
I loved this. Although I think you should consider not capitalizing the first letter of every line. I know I do it, but people have told me not to, and I think it works better that way. Also breaking it into stanzas might be a good idea.
It merely stands
Amidst a battle; one
That has been fought
Since it was built
I don't think you should need puncuation in the middle of a line (unless it's a list). I would end the line with "battle" and a period and move "one" down to the next line.
Also, it seems like you're using a few too many "ands" in the middle part. "And you can see the holes..." "And the people come to heal..." "And understanding/And it is hard to know...". Some of these could be replaced by breaking up stanzas, like the last one I quoted.
Other than the relatively minor flaws, good job. :thumb: