Published June 2, 2008
There is a mercy in weeping
For the skies are niggard in their bounty.
The eye must be chained and eaten
For stealing the hoard of the gods.
There is a mercy in dancing
When the primeval surge
That pushed us from womb
Claims us again as prodigals.
There is a sweetness in bleeding
That the forthcoming red
Needs no leader nor map nor
Herald to trump its arrive.
There is a whisper in under
To feel a self with naught below:
The world reveals its laughter
Holding its homeless weight on you.
There is a yearning in the stone
To cleave its form
And be formed again.
To shout a psalter
As you are trampled
To dance legless and naked
Beside the a coffin of a relic
Of stone.
There is mercy in the silence
A pagan virtue naked.
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello!
One thing that caught my eye was the article before "mercy". It really shouldn't be there, should it? Of course, I may be wrong, but I have a feeling indefinite article isn't used in this kind of contexts.
This lining felt awkward to me.
The two "you"s make this repetitive.
A little weird. What would it look like with the article moved to the second line?
These were just a few nitpicks, other than that, I liked this. Keep up!
Best wishes
Demeter xx
This is actually really clever, It wasn't unbelievably abstract- just cleverly phrased. A very strong work.
Unfortunately, the first stanza is the best of the lot. The second is second best, ect. Really until you wrap it up in the end, the poem sinks into a sort of fog, intentions, meanings, become murkier and nothing like the refreshingly clear opening. That first stanza had a poetry to it which you aren't quite able to repeat. I'd start trying to parallel the following thoughts with the formula of the first.
* The first stanza made sense, it didn't tell us something, but rather, laid out an argument in four lines for it. The act of weeping was tied to another act (raining). The other stanzas seem to merely make an observation and not tie it to anything, nor prove their assertion that "there is mercy in ___"
On the repetition, it would be nice if there was some break in between all the "mercy"s. the "yearning" is a great change of tone - a jolt to the reader - but not an unpleasant one. I wish there was some other twist - a subtle one, mind you - during the body of the piece.
This is really good, I just have a few small issues. One, is repetition. I understand that you are doing it for a specific purpose, but for some reason, it just seems a bit *too* repetitive, you know?
The rest are just minor spelling and grammatical issues. Other than that, great job!