z

Young Writers Society



I don't sleep anymore

by timjim77


Stanza 1:

First off, you may wanna add mroe line breaks into the poem. it already has a little poem, big prose feel. even simple things like line breaks can do great things for your poetry.

Most importantly, show and don't tell. "there is a faint afterglow from the stars just beyond
those mountains." Stay away from being verbs. You want to hit the point with your verbs. I.e. The afterglow shimmered off the reflection of the ice-capped mountain. of course, that's still kind of lame, but at least it has some action, some movement to it.

Also, this poem is in the first person. it is also addressed to someone, as in you are speaking to someone, even if they can't hear you. you have to be careful here. This can work, but you want to make it realistic, as if you were actually talking to that person. Whisper, not stage whisper. Here, you are addressing the person, but you are actually demonstrating your point to the audience, leaving an insincere aftertaste in our mouth.

Stanza 2:

"I guess
we're not all afforded that luxury. Hapiness, that is." Get rid of this line.

"Idon'tcareIdon'tcareIdon'tcare" If you are gonna use formatting like this, make it mroe pervading through your poem. Having few examples of this in a poem makes them seem like anamolies or even typos.

Nice imagery. Good work.

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798 Reviews

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Fri Feb 03, 2006 2:03 am
Areida wrote a review...



Though you and I are both well aware that I can't critique poetry worth jack, I just wanted to let you know that I liked this.

Like xanthan_gum said, it flowed so well. I read it silently twice, and then out loud once, and it flowed... ooh, gave me shivers how well it flowed.

The tone was interesting. It wasn't bitter, persay, but held a tinge of ironic frustration that I liked. The first stanza was great, because you set up a very real mental image in my mind.

Hmm... other than that... Loved the last section:

but I'll give you the benefit of a doubt. Just tell me
if your sleep comes as naturally as you say it does ..


Ack... Really wish I could give you something constructive to work with, but I'm afraid I can't. Oh, but for a minute I thought "Itis" was a typo. :P Other than, I got nothing.

Lovely piece.




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Fri Feb 03, 2006 1:54 am
Snip Snip says...



This is really beautiful. What really stood out for me was your line

faster and faster, Idon'tcareIdon'tcareIdon'tcare, before
you finally believed it.


I don't know why, I just... really liked it.




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Fri Feb 03, 2006 1:15 am
xanthan gum wrote a review...



first of all, you just need to...dramatize this down a bit. or switch around persons and points of views, because it sounds like your writing, mainly to yourself, late at night (one of the more beautiful things in life), but then it sounded as if this was addressed to a different someone - is that true or is it just the ramblings of a late night poet? if is is "addressed" to someone, in a sense, than it seems a bit dramatic for that sense.

i loved the second stanza. i can relate to it.

the first stanza...doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem....like it's more of an airy feeling as the rest are more specific, fit and down to earth.

i'm learning to be harsh with you =] it's hard, but i'm doing better. otherwise, i must admit that i absolutely loved this and i'm probably going to read it ten times more. it flows. really well, too. and it's truth. real truth :D





"When a body moves, it's the most revealing thing. Dance for me a minute, and I'll tell you who you are."
— Mikhail Baryshnikov