Published July 17, 2011
How can I feel so connected to you, when your miles and miles away,
When we only met a few times yet I think of you every day.
When your eyes met mine and we smiled at each other, I felt something I'd not felt before, and by then I was falling in love with you, that's something I couldn't ignore.
The way you look at me, like a beautiful sunshine lighting up my day,
Like a crazy dance in the rain, only you've made me feel this way.
Those moments we had make me smile to remember, did I even run through your brain?
The question of whether you like me back is making me go insane.
It's funny how a moment could change my life, a week and I fell in love,
But the worst part of it all, is my feelings for you are a secret you know nothing of.
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139,049 Literary Works • 672,402 Reviews
hello!
i enjoyed reading your poem. the concept was something i can relate to, which drew my attention to it. however. the overall layout was a bit...unorganized and sloppy, in my opinion. I think you tried to rhyme when really, you could've told the story without it. maybe that's just your style of writing but i don't think it was nescessary in this particular case. it felt a little bit forced in places. i also didn't like that you used the word "day" twice i your ryhming scheme. i think that since this was something that held such emotion, if you wanted to stick to this style of poetry, you should be able to find more...diverse words to rhyme. the words you used like "away" to "day" and "before" to "ignore" seem a little dilettante. you should try to expand this peom's itellect by using words with more syllables. i know that can be difficult. but just get a thesaurus and start looking up words you want to use and it'll eventually all fall into place.
i hope this helped. you're off to a good start. keep it up.
-Lexi
This poem is emotional and it has a certain eloquent depth to it, but on the downside, the lack of meter when using a rhyme scheme just seems a little sloppy to me. I can understand that you were trying to do something original perhaps, but it didn't work for me.
Apart from the rhyme scheme, it was interesting and passionate - keep up the good work.
For me, the third line is a bit too long. You could, after the word before, move the rest onto a new line. To me the poem seems very personal to you. And, in a very creepy way, very similar to me. I am in the same situation too. Is this story based on your feelings? If so, I can empathise with you on a very high level. This poem is personal to you and, frightengly, personal to me too. It doesn't seem like your first post. Keep up the good work.