Published January 14, 2010
There was a girl named Alice Poole,
And she really was quite the fool,
For what caused her untimely doom,
All started in her own room.
Her mother nagged her so long,
But Alice was so wrong ,
To ignore the demanding,
They had no meaning,
To poor Alice Poole.
Alice Poole was so lazy,
She drove her mom crazy,
The grime piled up to the sky,
It was worse than a pigsty.
Finally, when she started paying mind,
She found that she was confined,
In her own putrid room.
And that, my friend, is the doom,
Of this Alice Poole,
Who really was quite the fool.
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Nice job with the rhyme scheme; it goes along well with this poem. Some of the lines were a little choppy, but it's nothing that can't be easily fixed!
Here's some very minor changes I would suggest:
There was a girl named Alice Poole,
[b/who[/b] really was quite the fool,
For what caused her untimely doom,
All started, once in her room. [you just need another syllable in that line; if not "once", then something else]Her mother nagged her so long,
But Alice was
sowrong,To ignore the demanding,
They had no meaning,
To poor Alice Poole. [What happened to your rhyme scheme these last two lines? I think you can cut out this Alice Poole line, and hopefully you can find a word in the previous line that rhymes better with "demanding"]
Alice Poole was so lazy,
She drove her mom
socrazy,The grime piled up to the sky,
It was worse than a pigsty.
Finally, when she started paying mind, [If she was giving in, would she still have been shut up? I thought it was going to go more like "When she refused to pay mind" xD]She found that she was confined,
In her own putrid room.
And that, my friend, is the doom,
Of one Alice Poole, [Again, you just need another syllable in this line, but it needn't be "one" necessarily.]
Who really was quite the fool.
Gracias for your reviews. I'm thrilled that you like this, because this is my first poem.
This is an amusing poem made me smile
. If this were true you know how many "Alice's" there would be confined in their room?Over all it was real nice, nitpick some things here and there and you got it!
Fixed already pointed out the parts that don't fit in, so I don't have to do that - on to the poem itself, then. I loved it. I generally love these kinds of poems, and I thought that this, for the most part, was really very well done. I liked it! If you post more of these, feel free to PM me. It was a short, fun read.
Ofir
hah, I find this as.. Clever.
There's actually a poem quite like this, if you've ever heard of the books "Take me out of the bathtub"?
Well.. criticism time...
This really doesn't rhyme, and I kinda got the feeling rhyme is what you're going for here?
Unnecessary, I believe. Flows better.
Again, you don't need this.
I feel that you have extra things in there, and rhythm is just a little off here
"Finally when she was paying mind,
she found she was confined,
in her own putrid room."
All in all, a very comical poem, what with the *irony*(I think, not sure) and such. make more like this, and I will PM you if I find the "Take me out of the bathtub" song I'm talking about.
Love,
Fixed