This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
Melvin loved Claudia. He knew it right away. He bonded with her quickly over their similar struggles of failed musical aspirations, having to find work at run-down gas stations, as well as the grief of losing their mothers at a young, tender age. After a single romantic night together, he looked into the mirror and for the first time in a long time, he was able to smile. She made him able to smile.
This part is already short and I wish you showed how he loved Claudia instead of just saying it. It would've been much nicer to see some scenes to develop more of this. Scenes bring things to life. Make us believe that Melvin /truly/ loved Claudia instead of just giving us your word on it.
But Claudia only loved his money. She didn’t tell him, but she already knew who Melvin was when he first walked into the Tiki bar the day prior. She recognized him as the son of one of the wealthiest and most influential landlords in the state of Texas. She thought he was rich. She was wrong. He kept up the ruse for as long as he possibly could have, letting her max out his credit cards, taking her to the most expensive restaurants he knew he couldn't afford, and keeping her away from his trailer park home as well as his minimum wage food service job.
Like Rydia said, the first two sentences are awkward. I did enjoy the descriptions of how he kept her away from his home and all that. You portray a toxic relationship well on how Melvin just wanted to be with her because he loved her and he was blinded by that. I felt this part the most emotionally out of the whole poem as toxic relationships like this are relatable.
I don't know if I really liked the end of the chapter. It felt weird for that to happen and they wouldn't have noticed before? Or was she hiding it from him? It just felt forced in, in my opinion. I'm just hoping this doesn't become a story where having a child forces them back together. I liked the second to last paragraph, though. It was interesting.
Overall, I wish this was more showing than telling because this whole chapter just felt distant without being upfront and switching between narration and actual scenes. The scenes could have been so much more developed than this. To be honest, some of this feels like a little bit more detailed of an outline.
Have a great day!
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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