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Young Writers Society



The Snow Angels: Part Three

by tigeraye


❄❄❄❄❄❄ The Snow Angels: Part Three ❄❄❄❄❄❄

Melvin loved Claudia. He knew it right away. He bonded with her quickly over their similar struggles of failed musical aspirations, having to find work at run-down gas stations, as well as the grief of losing their mothers at a young, tender age. After a single romantic night together, he looked into the mirror and for the first time in a long time, he was able to smile. She made him able to smile.

But Claudia only loved his money. She didn’t tell him, but she already knew who Melvin was when he first walked into the Tiki bar the day prior. She recognized him as the son of one of the wealthiest and most influential landlords in the state of Texas. She thought he was rich. She was wrong. He kept up the ruse for as long as he possibly could have, letting her max out his credit cards, taking her to the most expensive restaurants he knew he couldn't afford, and keeping her away from his trailer park home as well as his minimum wage food service job.

But secrets are like jagged knives through the iron bonds of love. They create separation. They cause argument. When he wouldn't let her see his non-existent four-story house, she yelled at him. It all came to a head one day at a jewelry store to buy her a special two-thousand dollar silver necklace with a snow angel embed in the center. It gleamed with a shiny sparkle that brought joy to her heart.

"I'm sorry sir," the cashier said to Melvin, with Claudia right behind him. "Your card is being declined."

"What? That's bull, why would it do that?" Melvin jeered. "I have excellent credit."

The cashier shook his head. "No sir, you said debit, not credit."

Melvin could feel his cheeks getting hot and his hands starting to itch as Claudia started to breath down his neck. "Why would it decline debit?" she asked.

"Let me use credit," Melvin suggested. "I...I always use credit!"

But it was just the beginning of his lies becoming unraveled. Two days later, when she called wanting to visit so he could buy her a new cell phone, he lied and told her that he was at his father's home. Using Google Maps, two days later she decided to surprise him with a visit to his father's abode, expecting him to be in there with him somewhere. 

He wasn't there. His father was. And he told her everything.

Melvin had no money. His father did, and the two of them were no longer on speaking terms. And so she immediately cut off all ties to Melvin. The fact that she would abandon him, use him for his money shattered any and all love he had for her. As far as he was concerned, Claudia was dead, and as far as Claudia was concerned, Melvin Arnold never even existed.

Until one month later, when she knocked on the door to his trailer park home.

Pregnant?” Melvin exclaimed.


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1081 Reviews


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Sun Jun 26, 2016 12:55 am
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!

Melvin loved Claudia. He knew it right away. He bonded with her quickly over their similar struggles of failed musical aspirations, having to find work at run-down gas stations, as well as the grief of losing their mothers at a young, tender age. After a single romantic night together, he looked into the mirror and for the first time in a long time, he was able to smile. She made him able to smile.


This part is already short and I wish you showed how he loved Claudia instead of just saying it. It would've been much nicer to see some scenes to develop more of this. Scenes bring things to life. Make us believe that Melvin /truly/ loved Claudia instead of just giving us your word on it.

But Claudia only loved his money. She didn’t tell him, but she already knew who Melvin was when he first walked into the Tiki bar the day prior. She recognized him as the son of one of the wealthiest and most influential landlords in the state of Texas. She thought he was rich. She was wrong. He kept up the ruse for as long as he possibly could have, letting her max out his credit cards, taking her to the most expensive restaurants he knew he couldn't afford, and keeping her away from his trailer park home as well as his minimum wage food service job.


Like Rydia said, the first two sentences are awkward. I did enjoy the descriptions of how he kept her away from his home and all that. You portray a toxic relationship well on how Melvin just wanted to be with her because he loved her and he was blinded by that. I felt this part the most emotionally out of the whole poem as toxic relationships like this are relatable.

I don't know if I really liked the end of the chapter. It felt weird for that to happen and they wouldn't have noticed before? Or was she hiding it from him? It just felt forced in, in my opinion. I'm just hoping this doesn't become a story where having a child forces them back together. I liked the second to last paragraph, though. It was interesting.

Overall, I wish this was more showing than telling because this whole chapter just felt distant without being upfront and switching between narration and actual scenes. The scenes could have been so much more developed than this. To be honest, some of this feels like a little bit more detailed of an outline.

Have a great day!




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Sun May 29, 2016 9:23 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



I love snow angels. Mostly I just love snow but yeah, there's something about it that makes you want to lay down in it and while you're there, you might as well make an angel. Anyway, on to reviewing!

But Claudia only loved his money. She didn’t tell him, but she already knew who Melvin was when he first walked into the Tiki bar the day prior.
This sounds a little awkward. Normally you'd say 'the day prior to their meeting' rather than using it at the end of the sentence. Maybe go with 'on the previous day' instead?

There's a nice level of description to this, though you're very focused on the visual sense and don't spend much time adding details for the other four. Try to bring in some sounds and some textiles as well. Does the metal of the angel necklace feel cold when it's lifted out of the box? Is there a hint of suspicion in Claudia's tone when she asks Melvin why his debit would be declined? Those extra details will help build the atmosphere up a little more.

Also, try to show a few more of the events instead of telling us they happened. This currently moved very quickly through the action and we don't get a lot of time to get a feel for the characters. Instead of telling us that the lies started fight between the couple, let us witness one of them so we can hear their dialogue and see from the way they speak to each other how close the relationship is to falling apart. I want to feel sympathy for Melvin but it's hard at the moment because I don't know much about who he is. Does he try to tell Claudia the truth at any point in the hope that she actually loves him or is he already completely certain she doesn't?

The ending is a nice surprise and it makes me think the story probably isn't completely finished as it opens the story up rather than closing it off.

Best of luck with this!

~Heather




tigeraye says...


Thank you for reviewing




The mind of man is capable of anything - because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness