Casper the Pomeranian sat on the luscious grass on one end of the leash, the other end cuffed into my palm. The breeze was stiffingly cold but the air was pleasant. After seven years in the bitter artic mountains of West Virginia, I was finally a free man.
Some work their entire lives – backbreaking, hard work – but never taste the freedom to watch the aspen trees sway in a gentle wind. Some people live good – meek, but good – honest lives, but they endure more wrenching pain and twisted agony than anybody deserves. Anyone who thinks karma exists is a fool, plain and simple. I should know that better than anyone. I spent my entire lifetime hurting people. I said words that were meant to tear them apart from the inside. Words that were to melt their minds with my tongue. I’ve held guns against people’s heads – real heads – the heads of fathers, mothers, sisters and brothers, and I’ve pulled the trigger, and I’ve watched their holy blood splatter into the sky. People who trusted me. Dead. Because of me.
I’ve spent my lifetime ruining the lives of others. And on this inexplicably pleasant January day, I find myself being entered into the witness protection program. For all the blood I’ve spilt, I’ve been rewarded with a warm and cozy home, while those less fortunate are sleeping on the streets. For all the rotten things I’ve done, I’ve been rewarded with a wonderful dog and a nice and fat paycheck each and every week for the rest of my life.
And they say crime doesn’t pay.
As I step off the porch and feel a crinkle in my back, the sun escapes the clouds and starts to warm my skin regardless of my sins. And I already know that I’m going to keep hurting people. Their hearts will melt when I grind them with my teeth. I’ll spit spiders directly to their lungs, and why would I do that? I’m going to hurt people, not because I’m a bad person, but because I’m a person, and that’s what people do. I’m not going to apologize for it and do it again, move on to hurt someone else, like all the other hypocrites so often do. Does that make me a monster, or just honest?
As Casper lays his soft, warm, and furry head against the side of my leg, I come to terms that I’m not all that bad. I could never bring myself to hurt an animal.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello,
This is quite a piece you've got here!
Your voice is fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And, since a strong voice is one of the most difficult things to cultivate, that's a big deal. The actual writing here—just great. Beautiful. You make astute points and commentary about life in this, and do it with subtlety, with an easy-going wisdom. The writing feels natural; almost everything works, from the flow to the imagery. Your analogies are spot-on, too.
Your main character is compelling, with shades of Tony Soprano and various other antihero protagonists, though still maintaining a unique outlook and story; a worthwhile take. The character's conflict—wrestling with past crimes he's committed and trying to reconcile that with his current life—is expressed very well, thoroughly and thoughtfully. There's a sad hopefulness running through the piece, a plead for redemption and forgiveness, and it's perfectly executed.
I loved the way it ended—the conclusions your character reaches, the bit about never hurting animals... perfect. I can see where your previous reviewer was coming from, though, as the ending maybe feels a bit sudden? Or like he hasn't really resolved these feelings yet, so the story should go on? For that reason, perhaps an extra paragraph somewhere in the middle or last third of the story would make a nice addition, if not a necessary improvement.
Overall? Amazing. I'd love to see you write more from the perspective of this character—even a full-length novel. That'd be a real treat.
Of course, as with any story, there were bumps along the road (though not many). Here are my nitpicks:
"Me" is repetitive.
This line bugs me, I guess because I have a thing against sentences like this one: those that state a key fact of the story flatly, with no subtlety. I'd maybe go with something that hints or strongly implies your character's in the witness protection program, without actually saying as much—even just:
"I find myself in a cushy program intended for those who've seen things, who've witnessed evil like I have and lived to be punished for it—or, in my case, protected."
(That's rough, I know, but you get what I'm getting at.)
So you use "melt" in one descriptive sentence early on in the story, and then again toward the end. Even though the two aren't back to back, it still feels a bit repetitive in such a short piece.
All in all: excellent work. This is just terrific.
Well done!
Hello there, Luata here to write a review. It's pretty early in the morning, so you'll have to excuse me if I stop making much sense. It has been a while since I last reviewed anything other than poetry, so please be patient with me. As I've said in my other reviews, you are the author. Don't let us reviewers dull your sparkle so you can use my suggestions, contest them, or ignore them however you see fit. My review is divided into sections, trying to make it a bit easier to read. Let me know through a comment or PM if something doesn't make sense, I'd be more than happy to chat.
Overall
I liked the concept of your story. It had my attention from the very beginning (which is something hard to do, I'm very easily distracted). Your writing pace was nice, it flowed nicely. I thought your ending was a bit lackluster, though. You have all of this "stuff" building up and then it just kind of fizzles out at the end. More on that later.
Characters
I am especially fond of Casper! Your main character is unique, which is always important; however, again, going back to the ending. I think that you had a very nice set-up for some character development from the beginning to the end, but the ending doesn't really wrap up the character for me the way I'd like to see it. That is only my personal aesthetic, though. I won't go into great detail on how I think you could improve in effort to prevent my review from taking up the entire page, but PM me or leave a comment if you want to open up that discussion. Again, I'd more than happy to chat.
Grammar
I'm not always the best at grammar, so there will probably be mistakes I miss. Other people are probably much more qualified to do this part of the review, but I'll give it my best shot.
I think you meant "stiflingly". I think.
This particular bit gave me a bit of trouble. The short sentences create a choppy effect. I would combine them into one or two longer sentences.
Not sure if crinkle is the best word here ....
I suppose this isn't really a grammar thing, but this bit right here is just a little bit cliche. Mix up a bit. I appreciate his inner musing, but I think it detracts from the quality of the piece as a whole.
Overall, nice piece! I look forward to reviewing your future works!
~Luata