Ethan and Rucy laid on a tall hill with their backs towards the ground, staring up to the omnipresence of the sun making his way down towards the land for the night. The sky was an abstractly beautiful shade of dark blue, bright stars and shifting clouds getting along and sharing the space together.
“Are you alright?” Ethan asked, his palms touching the cold grasses below.
Rucy rolled her eyes, refusing to look at the midnight-haired teen. “Don’t talk to me, please. I just want to look at the
stars. Nothing else.”
“It’s been three weeks since we started living in the compound together.” Ethan gritted his teeth and swallowed. “And you still won’t talk to me at all.”
Rucy rolled her eyes.
“Or your sister, too. She won't talk to me either.”
“Just shut up,” Rucy said. “My dad was murdered three weeks ago, and I don’t get to grieve? What’s with you, and my mom, and my sister all trying to make me get over it, when I’m still sad? I still miss him.”
Ethan took a deep exhale, nodding his head. “Yeah,” he said. “I know what you mean.”
“No you don’t.” Rucy rolled her eyes. “You probably have both your parents worried sick about you at home. What are you going to tell them when you go back, anyway? You can’t stay here forever, right? I miss my dad. I want him back.”
“Hey, at least you still have your mom.” Ethan folded his arms. “And you’re still alive. Why don’t you just be happy?”
“What did I just say, you idiot? My dad died three
weeks ago! And all those other people who nobody else seems to care about but me!”
Ethan sighed, looking at Rucy, then rolling over to his side. Rucy laid back
down and turned away from Ethan as well, taking a long and deep breath. “If I
don’t care about what happened to those people, what am I doing here?” Ethan asked with a sniffle.
Rucy bit her bottom lip. She glanced over towards Ethan as he started to shake, then back at the sky. She rose to her feet, looked him in the eyes and she couldn't stand it. A violent part of her arose. She wanted him to hurt, to feel immaculate, ridiculously agonizing pain. She wanted him to suffer just because there was nobody else to share her suffering. “If I were your parents, I wouldn’t want even want you back," she said. "You’re awful. You’re an awful, gross, foul-mouthed, disgusting pig. I hate you and I wish you weren’t around.”
“That’s nice,” Ethan said, standing to his feet, his voice hoarse as he started to hyperventilate. “Say that first part again.”
“I said, if I were your parents—Ethan?”
Before Rucy could finish her sentence, Ethan sprinted off into the distance.
***
Elsewhere, Claude Vilean chatted with a miner.
“Got to say it’s too bad that Hilbert went up and
missing the way he did,” the miner said. “But things are going so much smoother
here with you in charge.”
Claude handed the miner a sack of coins and forced a smile. “Mind holding up
the mine for a while? I’m going to head home and take a spell.”
The miner nodded. “Yeah. No problem.”
Claude stumbled to his modest house in the city, stretching his arms as he walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a stone mug filled with cold wine and scooped it up in his hands.
He puckered and widened his lips, taking in air. Moments later, he blew hot fire from his lungs, warming the alcoholic drink.
After taking a heavy gulp and swallowing the liquid, he put the mug back down. His eyes caught a wooden door frame leaning precariously against the wall.
With a deep breath, he grabbed the frame by the sides and carried it off into the dark basement.
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Hi! Abandon here for some nitpicks.
I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so I'm not going to comment on plot or character development etc. It'll be just some grammar and sentence structure stuff!
No sure abstractly is right word to use in this instance.
Not sure "touching" is the right word either. It gives me the visual of someone barely brushing their hands against the grass, but I don't think that's what you meant to imply.
This tells the reader that Rucy is upset, but doesn't show them. I can't picture what her anger must look or even feel like. She's upset, okay, but do her hand's shake? Does something spark in her eyes? Does her chest feel like it's going to explode or her lips feel like fire? Just some things to keep in mind while you're writing - If the reader were watching this take place from inside the person's head (or from a third person point of view depending on your writing style) what would they notice?
Overall:
You did a better job with descriptions in the second part! I don't know these characters, but I'm intrigued by them. Somehow, in this short space, you made me care about what happens to them. I'm intrigued by their stories and what's going on, which is great!
I think you've got a good start. Adding more detail could go a long way towards pushing this story from good to amazing!
Great job, and keep writing!
Hopeless Abandon
Heya, Tig! Casanova here with another short review!
Anyway, the most prominent thing here is still the plot. I started mid way through this, and I'm already hooked on this! I love that fact, because you're keeping it, and the characters, interesting. I love how you're doing that, and I would say that you need to continue that.
Anyway, overall this had a really good feel to it, and I actually liked the ending this time. It wasn't too fast nor too slow, and it was suspenseful, so I give you props for that.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on!
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aron