Bodies filled the streets of Hyguard. Some without heads. Some without arms and legs. Some completely soaked in blood, the smell of which hung in the air. Many were carrying brooms and purses, killed while doing cleaning or shopping. War had ravaged the once proud city to pieces, and it made Ethan downright sick to his stomach.
“Son of a,” the Blademaster said, biting his lip.
Mr. Vilean, Ethan thought dolefully. Please don’t be behind this...
A city guard climbed out of an alleyway, swinging his sword against two attackers wearing dark red leather. “I could use some help here!” he exclaimed.
The Blademaster ran towards the attackers, while Butch protected Perl and Rucy with his own blade. The Blademaster ran his sword in a thousand different directions, skillfully and impressively slaying the attackers. Ethan and Rucy stood with their bodies frozen in shock as they witnessed the true horror of death for the very first time in person.
Three more men in dark leather appeared, attacking the Blademaster. “I can defend myself!” he shouted. “Go! Check on your king!”
Butch led the startled children through the streets of the city up in flames, the smell of smoke and death in the air as the guards continued battling the attackers. Their eyes peered past the flaming buildings, blood-soaked streets and their hearts and eyes couldn't believe it. Ethan wanted to convince himself that he was dreaming, this was just something he saw in a movie, it had to be. There was no way this was real.
But alas, they made their way towards the
castle, where the corpses of once proud and capable guards littered the golden
sidewalk. A feeling of unease and despair rotted the entryway to the once noble home.
The throne room was littered with the corpses of once honorable guards, soaking
in a warm ocean of crimson blood. The smell of death consumed the air. A single
body of a fallen king laid in front of the throne. King Mason’s eyes were still
wide open. A sword was still in his hands.
“Dad!” Rucy cried.
The two princesses darted towards the corpse, holding it close to them, crying mountains and oceans of tears. “Dad…! Why were we so stupid?” Rucy whimpered. “Why were we so damn stupid to let this happen to you!”
A tall and imposing man walked calmly towards the throne room, dressed in an orange and black coat, his hair bright red, his smile crooked and his eyes glowing menacingly. He was flanked by at least ten men in dark red leather, their swords ready for blood.
“King Hogan,” Butch snarled, his sword also ready. “Is
this what you really wanted? To kill an innocent father and good man? And all
those people who are now dead in the streets who did nothing wrong?”
“Oh, please. I gave him plenty of chances and he ignored all of them. It’s his
blame that his citizens lie dead! Now, this city is mine. Leave it and you may
still live to see tomorrow.”
“Mom!”
A short and pale-green mumbling stepped confidently through the throne room,
sniffling and wiping a single tear from her eye. Queen Kaliyah -- King Mason's wife, Rucy and Perl's mother. She approached King Hogan with
a calculated walk and stared him straight in his eyes.
“Queen Kaliyah returns to the castle,” King Hogan mused, his legion of guards surrounding King Mason’s widow. “Or should I say, former queen.”
“Enough with your sarcasm and your light talk,” the
queen said. “You may have murdered my husband, but by law this city still
belongs to me. And now I surrender it.”
“What!” Butch yelled, instinctively reaching out for the former queen.
“What?” Ethan said, clutching his temples.
“Mom!” Rucy exclaimed. “No, don’t do this. You can't.”
“King Hogan! Now ruler of the kingdoms Denmer, Brenthia...and Elymore,” Kaliyah said.
“Excellent!” King Hogan smiled. “You’ll find a carriage awaiting you towards the gates of the city. They’ll carry you away and my men will clean up the city of all the dead bodies. Come, gentlemen! We have a lot of work to do in restoring the city.”
Kaliyah folded her arms. “I have my own place to go,” she said. “We’ll be seeing you again soon, Hogan. Your death will be painful.”
King Hogan grinned deviously, his back towards the royal family. “I’m looking forward to seeing you try to lay a finger on me.”
Elsewhere, Claude Vilean used all the strength in his body to pull his pickaxe out of the mine vein, retrieving a single piece of silver ore. He pulled it off the edge of the axe, nipping his skin and dropping the ore into the cart, a small sliver of blood where his thumb was pressed.
He did it again. Slaving away in the mine for hours at a time, without a drop of water for his blisteringly dry throat, without a piece of bread or meat for his starving stomach. By the time hours passed, his legs felt like gelatin and his vison was nearly doubled, nearly blinded by the light of the outside compared to the sheer darkness of the mine.
“Bad news,” Hibert, the mine boss said. “Rolan is sick
today. Going to need you to go back into the mine and cover for him.”
Claude pouted, his face still covered in bandages from his scuffle with Ethan.
“But I’m so tired,” he complained. “Can’t you find anyone else, and just give
me my sack of coins?”
Hilbert shook his head. “This here is a working town,” he said. “You don’t
work, and you don’t get paid. Now get your weird-skinned arse in the mine and work.”
Claude sniffled, painstakingly returning back into the dark and dreary mine.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heya, Tigeraye! Casanova here to do a short review!
Anyway, I really am interested in the plot here. I know I'm a few chapters late in the installment, so I apologize for that, but I have bookmarked your other ones so I can read from chapter 1 down. So I'll get to that later.
Anywaay, the characters were okay. Basing off what I know, however, this chapter seems a bit dull to what it could be, if you know what I mean. I say spaice up the way you have the characters say something, and exactly what they say. Anyway, I think the plot was the best thing you had here, it really peaked my interest.
The dialogue was a bit eh, so play around with it and make it a bit more wowza, or in other words spice it up.
That's all for now,
Sincerely, Cas
Wow, so obviously I missed out on a chapter somewhere, because wow. We went from Claude Vilean wanting to take over the kingdom to him working in a mine and King Hogan taking over the kingdom.
On that note: wow, it really satisfying to see Claude have to work his butt off in a mine after what a jerk he was a few chapters ago.
So I don't know how much I actually missed, but I feel like I read through at least chapter 5. In which case, this feels like a HUGE about-face to happen in the course of one missed chapter. Like, whoa. We went from "Ethan is searching for the Blademaster while Claude wants to take over the kingdom and there's also this enemy king Hogan off somewhere" to "Ethan has found the Blademaster and traveled all the way back to the kingdom that the enemy king has already destroyed and meanwhile Claude is working in a mine to make money to fund his takeover, maybe."
It's just a loooooooooot to happen in so short a space, especially since each of your chapters is so short to begin with.
Although if you actually changed your mind about what to do with the story and then decided to write this part as if the change had already happened, then never mind. (I say that because that sort of thing happens in the middle of my drafts kind of an embarrassing amount.)
But you've definitely got more of the description down! The pacing was really good in this chapter except for this bit that went along a little too quickly.
I mean, why does the queen just walk up to him all confident like she's going to kick his butt and then surrender her kingdom instead? And she's just like, "Okay, I surrender," and he's like, "Heck YEAH, you surrender."
Otherwise, the pacing was good; you had a good ratio of dialogue and action to description. So my next suggestion is to get more specific with your description. For example, in this part.
You do get a little more specific in the part where Rucy sees her father's body, but that's because we know him. Don't be afraid to tell us a little about the background people, too. Small details help make the story come alive. So, like, rather than "some without heads," "some without arms and legs," "some completely soaked in blood," "many were carrying," focus on one person at a time. While you use lots of imagery to give us an idea of the general horror, try honing in on a particular person: "one person still had a broom in her hand, as if she'd been sweeping her front steps when the bloodbath started" packs a lot more of a punch than "many were carrying brooms."