Ethan traversed through the snowy mountains, an all-powerful breeze kipping up and blasting his skin with sheer coldness. He threw his jacket hood over his frizzled and wet hair, hoping for the best, continuing as far as his tired legs could carry him despite the hazardous, deadly conditions.
Miles upon miles of snow. Thick trees covered completely in white. His feet were cold to the point where they were burnt. He pulled his shoes from his feet one at a time, sticking to his shriveled and soaked socks like glue. He dumped the frost from them, put them back on and continued through the vast winter nightmare for what felt like days. He was hungry, thirst, and above all else, cold, but at long last he'd finally made his way to the small town of Roach.
The buildings and houses were dusky and ready to crumble. Snow was hastily shoveled to the edges of the sidewalks, covered in dirt, trash and footsteps that looked like they belonged to small animals. Ethan looked ahead, and a child was patting a strange rodent-like creature with dark red eyes. She glanced at him and ran away, the creature following her into the distance. An old couple stood outside a withering house with a stand full of different sorts of fruits and cheeses, but they ignored him as he walked past into an inn.
The area was large and surprisingly clean, the counter, chairs and tables all carved out of neat wood. The downstairs of the inn was vacant except for a bartender chatting away with a man seated in front of the counter. Ethan took a seat in the corner of the room, in front of a strong-smelling fireplace. The warm touch to his skin and the soothing nature of he rest caused him not to drift to sleep, but to practically pass out immediately.
To his surprise, nobody seemed to bother him, making him wonder if he was the only young child to make their way into the inn for some rest.
When he awoke again, the bartender was still chatting away with the customer.
Several citizens were gathered at a plaza in the center of town. They cheered in awe of a grizzly old mumbling, wielding a
silver blade in his meaty hands. “I remember it like it was yesterday," he gloated. "Seventeen
bloodthirsty pirates versus me and my best mate aboard the Castrian Ocean. We
were young, bold, and downright stupid.”
“Did you win, Blademaster?” somebody in the crowd asked.
“No,” the Blademaster responded, his grin disappearing just like that. “I had yet to learn to treat a sword as a part of your body. I treated it as a tool, and that’s why I was forced to jump into the shark-infested wars just to survive. But I still remember the heat of that battle particularly well.”
“Yoo-hoo!” Ethan waved towards the hulking grizzly bear of a man. “Are you the Blademaster, sir?”
The mumbling rolled his eyes. When he began walking, Ethan followed, continuing to pester the skilled swordsman. “I know it’s not a good idea to bother someone with a big ass sword in their hands,” Ethan admitted. “But I need you to train me how to be a good swordsman.”
The Blademaster reached the outside of his modest home. “Why?”
“Because I’m the seer’s champion?”
The Blademaster laughed. “Yeah. And I’m King Mason himself. Where in Cythis is
my crown, huh? Wish I was. That useless idiot never does anything for me or
this town. Our kids are practically starving out here! And what’s wrong with
your skin, anyway? Why’s it that peach color?”
“You! Over here! I found him, girls.”
Ethan turned around, to find Butch rushing towards him alongside the two princesses. “Rucy! Perl! Butch!” Ethan exclaimed. “What are you guys doing here?”
Butch chuckled. “These girls, well, I caught them sneaking out when they thought I wasn’t looking at them. And hey, what’s a little adventure, huh?”
“Did you hike through all that snow?” Ethan asked, his muscles still sore from the long and treacherous hike through the wintry mountains. “Why didn't I see you?”
Butch scratched his head. “Err...no. We took a carriage, actually.”
Ethan pouted.
“Remember that we’re not here for you,” Perl explained. “We’re here because Rucy wanted to go on an adventure.”
“Well, you came at a good time,” Ethan laughed, pointing to the grizzly mumbling behind him. “This is the Blademaster. I need him to teach me how to you know, use a sword? And he won’t do it. I told him I’m the champion of the seer, and he won’t believe me.”
“Well, do you know who we are?” Perl said. “I’m Perl! And this is Rucy. We’re the princesses of Elymore, daughters of King Mason himself. You will teach him how to sword fight.”
“Ha. I don’t give adamn about who your daddy is,” the Blademaster shrugged. “If it’s so important, why didn’t he come down here himself and see the shape our village is in?”
“You will teach
him how to sword fight.”
The seer appeared in a dark violet smoke. “The seer,” Butch exclaimed. “You
know just when to show up, huh?”
“The seer...” The Blademaster shivered at her
presence. “I…I don’t know what to say. What do you need, my holy mother?”
“I need you to teach this child how to sword fight.” She looked towards Ethan.
“And we’re on borrowed time. You need to teach him to master sword fighting in
three weeks.”
“Three weeks?” The Blademaster shook his head. “I’m sorry, my holy mother. I
respect the Cythis out of you, and I appreciate all you’ve for this continent.
But even some sort of prodigy would take a year of training just to learn all
the basics. I can’t just teach this kid how to be a master overnight.”
“He’s not just some kid, he’s my champion. Wait!” The seer grabbed her temples. Shut her eyes. Winced in pain. “Oh, no.”
Ethan’s heart pounded. “What is it?”
“No, no, no. Damn it. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Holy mother, what's happening?” Rucy asked, trembling in fear.
The seer’s eyes widened. She started hyperventilating. “King Mason is in trouble. You all must head back to the castle right away.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey tigeraye, here for a Review Day review!
Impressions: (First thing, I would make sure and tag this as having strong language, that way it's labeled correctly.)
You have good style, especially with the descriptions. I like these seperated and blocked sentences that are connected in the overall concept of the scene, but the actual string of text has no relationship. Most people would write this as something like, "all around stretched miles and miles of snow. The forest of thick trees was completely covered in white." But that's just clunky because it uses a lot of unneeded vocabulary.
Advice:
I would try to avoid using so many pronouns, especially starting a string of sentences all starting with the same one. It's very redundant, and gets old fast.
Overall I think that you have a good writer's voice, and though I haven't had a chance to read any of the rest of the story, so far so good.
I give it:
Man, the Seer really DOES know right when to show up. Why couldn't she just take Ethan to Roach if she's able to show up at the right moment?
Which is a bit more deus ex machina again, but I'll pass over it for now. In other news, related but a bit different, she should probably give Ethan some sort of trinket of hers to take with him if she's going to send him off to Roach on his own - how else will anyone believe he's her champion, if this weird peach-colored kid just shows up out of nowhere and goes, "Yep, I'm the seer's champion. Better train me to swordfight!" But if the seer had given him some sort of trinket or something of hers, something people would recognize, then he has a way to make them believe him.
Of course, they might not believe him anyway. They might think he's stolen the trinket, or that it's a fake, or any number of things. So you can still have the conflict of the Blademaster at first refusing to train Ethan, but also it'll be more believable.
Otherwise: great job on the description! This is just the kind of description I was missing in the last chapter I reviewed. You did a fantastic job - you fleshed out the world and Ethan's experience more, but without slowing down the story. Keep up the good work!