Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Princess Rucy stared out her bedroom window that night, when her sister Perl walked into her room.
“…”
“…”
Rucy glanced at her. She loved her sister, but often found herself annoyed by her brash demeanor. Not in the mood for her loud voice and demanding nature, she looked back towards the window.
“Not even going to say hi?” Perl tilted her head, feeling a sadness come over her due to her sister's cold shoulder. “Okay, then. Be that way.”
Rucy sighed, sensing the sorrow in her little sister's voice. “Butch finally told me where that Ethan boy went,” she explained. “Off on some adventure in the Anthartican mountains. Apparently he’s the newest champion of the seer or something like that. One of the heroes. Just like in the old stories Dad used to read us before he became king. Do you believe that?”
Perl scoffed. “Come on, who cares if he's a hero or not?” she asked. “I told you, Rucy, they’re scumbags. Why else would Ethan lie to you about what Claude teaches?”
“He lied to protect him,” Rucy beamed. “I would’ve done the same thing for you.”
“He’s protecting a piece of garbage.”
“You said yourself that he was harmless.”
“I said the boy was harmless. Gods, well I don’t know, maybe I was wrong. Can’t
I second guess myself?”
“You know I haven’t gotten to live the life I want,”
Rucy said with a deep breath. “I’m an adventurer, deep down. I want to help
people, and I don’t feel like I can do that when I’m all bottled up inside this
castle. I’m not too fond of Ethan or especially not the older guy, but to join
up with them…”
“So what are you saying, Rucy?”
“I’m saying that I think I want to escape,” Rucy responded. “Tonight.”
After long and daunting silence, Perl started to
laugh. “You’re not serious,” she muttered. “Bloody scythis, Rucy. You’re
kidding me. What are you going to tell our dad? Our king dad, who has about fifty guards just standing outside of his
throne room who he can send after us. What about Butch? You know, your bodyguard?
What are you going to tell him?”
“Nothing,” Rucy said, cringing at the thought of their over-protection of her. “They don't need to know anything.”
“And what about Mom?”
Rucy exhaled. “What about her?”
“…”
“And you’re not going to tell anyone a thing either.
You’re coming with me.”
“Coming with you?” Perl snarled. “And what makes you think I’m going to do
that?”
Rucy folded her arms. “Because you’re my sister. And my best friend. That’s what best friends do.”
Far south of the city of Hyguard, Claude and Ethan walked tiredly through the cold and snowy mountains, the flakes practically dumping on their heads with stingingly painful force. They were now officially in the middle, and they knew it by the staunch drop in temperature and the vision of nothing but snow as far as they both could see. Snowflakes falling. White hills. Snow, snow, snow. And nothing but it.
“So, walk me through it again,”
Ethan said, his voice hoarse from the cold, his stomach still churning with the guilt of having to manipulate all those people at the castle just to free his teacher. “What were you trying to do with
that machine? Back at your house, in the basement.”
Claude exhaled, watching his icy breath evaporate from his mouth as he
continued hiking through the treacherous mountain, their shoes crunching in the
snow. “I was married, once upon a time.” He stepped on a giant spider, scraping
it off his shoe and back into the snow. “Had myself a daughter.”
“And she…?”
Claude shut his eyes and reopened them for business, a
sharp pain in his stomach as the painful memories bubbled up to the surface of
his mind. “Died in an automobile accident. Killed by a drunk driver.” He
lamented. “I was following right behind her. The truck came out of nowhere. I still remember the noise. The radio still singing that awful song I used to love. The sound of a cannon in the circus. The clash and the bang. There were four clashes. Her car flipped four times. She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of it. What did she do to die like that? That, Ethan. That’s what my machine
was for.”
“You were trying to create a portal to another world?”
“Yes, but not this world.” Claude cleared his throat. “I was trying to create a
portal to Heaven.”
“Holy shit.” Ethan breathed in and out, trying to keep
his composure against the startling revelation. “But you accidentally ended up
here?”
“Yes. When you started pressing random buttons and pulled the lever, something
malfunctioned. Now I don’t know if we can ever get back.”
“…”
Claude rolled his eyes. “We’ll just have to hope I can find enough materials to
create another portal. And who knows if that’s even possible. It took me ten
years to build the last one, and even that one wasn’t quite finished. I just warned
you not to press those buttons.”
“Yeah, keep reminding me…”
The boy and the teacher continued through the mountains, eventually reaching a frozen river surrounded by piles of dark white snow. Towards the far end of the river came the entrance to a dark underpass which would lead them to their destination.
“I saw those books on your counter,” Ethan said,
continuing to walk. “Back in your house. Cancer?”
Claude winced. “What about it?”
“Do you, you know, have it?”
A long pause. “I did,” Claude hesitantly admitted. He wasn't quite sure why he was admitting these things to someone he so long considered an unintelligent child, but something about the loneliness of the bitter cold drew the truth deep from his ill lungs.
“Lung cancer, though a mild case. As mild as cancer can get.” Claude swallowed. Considered the possibility of not elaborating, then continued. “I only learned of my diagnosis about a week ago. But it’s strange, because ever since stepping into this world, I feel completely better. My coughing is gone, I don’t feel as weak and tired…”
“Why is that?”
“I asked a guard about it,” Claude said. “Back when I was in prison. I brought up my cancer. He had no idea on earth what I was talking about. Had no idea what that was.”
“Why do you think that is?”
Claude’s eyes glowed as he looked up to the snowy skies. “I hypothesize that we’ve stepped into a world where cancer doesn’t exist.”
The two stepped into towards the entryway to the dark and mysterious underpass. “It may be wiser to keep walking,” Claude suggested. “We don’t know if there are animals in that underpass or not. If only we had a source of fire.”
“Here. Stand back.” Ethan’s eyes swept the ground, where he found a long and heavy stick and held it in his hands. He took a deep breath, focusing on the base of the stick. He puckered hips and blew hot fire from his throat, effectively creating a torch.
“What the…?” Claude opened his mouth in surprise. “How
did you do that? How is that physically possible? How did you not burn your
tongue and throat?”
Ethan shrugged. “Princess Rucy taught it to me. It’s something about channeling
your mind to control the fire. As long as you don’t want it to burn you, it
won’t.”
Claude laughed in amazement. “I think I might’ve judged you unfairly before,” he admitted.
Ethan laughed as well. “You too, Mr. Vilean, you too.”
Claude smiled. Looked up to the sky and exhaled. “I’m sorry for what I said in the basement. I really am.”
The two headed into the surprisingly warm cave, pitch dark except for the light from the fire. “Doesn’t seem like there are any wild animals in here,” Claude said. “I guess it would be safe to camp the night.”
“I thought you said science had to always be exact,
sir?”
Claude rolled his eyes.
The cave was pitch dark barring Ethan's torch, but seemingly small and surprisingly comfy. The idea of Ethan blowing fire from his mouth still boggling Claude's mind, he gathered bark from a fallen tree nearby and brought into the dark cave. Ethan blew hot flames from his mouth, creating a small fire in the middle of the underpass. They sat adjacent to one another, finding unexpected enjoyment out of
each other’s company.
“It’s funny,” Claude said. “You being this champion of the seer or whatever. You’ve got people teaching you how to breathe fire out of your mouth, and you learned that in just what, a few hours? It’s impressive.”
“Yeah…”
“And now you’re going to learn how to swordfight from this Blademaster? Think of all the power you could wield in months. You’ll be a damn hero to these people! Why were we talking about building another portal? Why would you ever want to go home?”
“Well…”
“I guess your parents probably are worried about you,” Claude lamented. “We’ll
get you home, boy.”
Ethan tilted his eyes sorrowfully towards the ground.
“Right on. Thanks, Mr. Vilean…”
Claude stretched his arms behind his head and smirked. “But you could easily be
the most powerful person in the entire world. And I could be the smartest in
the entire world. It couldn’t be farfetched. The king himself wasn’t the
brightest bulb in the box.”
“Mr. Vilean…”
Claude sat up straight. “And think of all the technologies I can introduce to
this world. They’ve never even heard of a gun. Think of all the things I can bring
here. Guns. Cell phones. Computers. Hell, even bicycles. I’ll be a
billionaire.”
“Yeah, that’s great, sir.”
“It’s more than great, it’s fantastic.” Claude laughed. “And I’ve been thinking of an even better idea, also.”
Ethan’s stomach grumbled. “What’s that, sir?”
Claude was grinning ear-to-ear. “Forget about wealth. Forget about helping others. With your powers, and my intelligence, we could be unstoppable.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“We could rule the planet Neyoma. Together.”
Claude’s eyes glowed when he felt the taste of the words on his tongue. “Don’t
you ever get tired of being stepped on, all the damn time? I know you were
bullied often in school. So was I. We could become so powerful that nobody will
even think about overruling us. King Mason. King Hogan. Gilt. Butch. Rucy.
Perl. We can slaughter them all and have that big castle all for ourselves.”
“Mr. Vilean—”
“Why bother being the good guy, when being the bad guy would be so damn fun?”
“Get out,” Ethan snarled.
Claude froze. “You aren’t listening to—”
“Out!” Ethan shouted, confused, alarmed and disgusted at his teacher suggesting they commit mass murder, right in front of him no less. “Get out. I don’t want to see you right now.”
Claude stumbled to his feet, shaking his head. “You don’t want that?” he asked, confused and conflicted. “We’re from a world that is far more advanced than this one. Our brains are a hundred times the size of even the smartest people here. My brain is, at least. Don’t you ever wonder what it’s like to rule the world? You can find out!”
Ethan rose to his feet, still not buying his teacher's proposition. It was then he realized -- Claude was serious. He was dead serious. He wanted to murder all of those people he was still feeling the guilt of having to manipulate.
“You can rule a world, Ethan! It’s not out of the realm of possibility! We’ll
kill the king and princesses and we’ll be the rulers.”
Ethan could take no more, and he punched Claude in the jaw, sending him flying to the cold hard ground of the dark cave. A stinging, swelling pain emerged in Claude’s jaw. He put his finger in his mouth, coating it in sticky red blood.
“Did it hurt?” Ethan sniffled.
Claude swallowed. “Of course it hurt, you idiot. What's wrong with you?”
“Good. Go fuck yourself,” Ethan said.
Claude laughed and snarled wickedly, touching his stinging chin. He shook his head and growled, tacking Ethan to the ground as his hair-trigger temper fired off once again.
The two traded blows with one another, tumbling and tossing each other throughout the cave with brutal scratches and punches and knees and elbows. Claude gained the momentum of the violent brawl, delivering several hard punches and knees to the teenager before pinning him against the side of the cave.
Ethan wrapped his palms against Claude’s waist and unleashed a smoldering heat from his fingers. Claude yipped in pain, bouncing back throughout the cave. Ethan went on the chase, punching his teacher several times and beating him down to the ground.
When Claude was downed, his face covered in blood, Ethan kicked him in the ribs. “Perl was right about you,” he admitted. “Go build yourself another portal and go home. I never want to see you again.”
The both of them defeated for the moment, Claude made his way out of the underpass, and through the raw darkness of the snowy night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello again, tigeraye!
I like that this chapter started from a different point of view, and that Ethan's official departure was announced by a different character. It helps to know what other characters are feeling about him leaving and about him being the seer's chosen hero. Rucy seems to care for Ethan more than she'd like to admit to her sister. Calling him "that Ethan boy" instead of simply "Ethan" tells me she doesn't want Perl to think she likes him (as a friend d:).
Yay! I was wondering if she was going to come along somehow. I like her motive for going, too. It's honorable.
That's good - I'm hearing some of his thoughts and learning that he feels guilty for manipulating so many people. He seemed "spoiled" in the last chapter because I never heard his thoughts or knew that he felt remorseful.
The figurative language at the beginning is clever, but I'm not fond of the sudden POV switch from Ethan to Claude. At this point in the novel, Claude's loyalties are very uncertain. From what has been presented to me, I'm fairly certain he's up to no good. Thus, writing anything from his point of view - the villain's POV, seemingly - is distasteful because we don't know his true thoughts.
Holy s*** indeed! That's a nice motive if I ever saw one.
Here's an instance where Ethan isn't being humble. I'm just bringing it up so that you're aware of how his character comes off to me. If he were more humble, he would have probably instead apologized to Claude for messing with the buttons, especially after knowing that Claude only wanted to visit his dead daughter and Ethan messed it all up.
That's a really interesting idea. But you could say the same thing for many other things. For example, Rucy didn't know what a human being was. Does that mean human beings don't exist? Clearly, they do. Why?
Aww, they're making amends. You're making me like this Mr. Vilean guy again. But his last name - it's still tormenting me!
Ethan's sudden use of the word "sir" shows me that his respect for Claude has increased.
Oh, goodness. There he goes again. >.< This guy is messed up.
I agree with Blue that this was one of your strongest chapters, and of the three that I have read thoroughly, it's definitely the best. Why? First, I got to hear the thoughts of many of the characters. I got to understand what Claude's motive was for building the portal, and I also learned that Ethan felt guilty for lying to so many people. The chapter also seemed to progress at a much nicer, slower pace.
Above all, what worried you most about my comments on the last chapter - Ethan being "spoiled" - seemed practically nonexistent in this one. The impression that I had of him, therefore, is something that can be amended more easily because so far it only seems to exist in one chapter. Be sure to stay consistent with with his character. Write about his thoughts more often.
Ethan lost one friend by the end of the chapter, but he gained or is about to gain much more. First, by defeating Claude, a man who is much older and wiser than him, Ethan discovered his potency as a fighter. Along that same line, he also has his nifty fire power. Once Rucy meets up with him, she'll probably be able to teach him much more.
Great work on this one!
Well. Well, well. Well.
This was unquestionably your strongest chapter so far…up to a point.
First, the stuff I liked.
For maybe the first two-thirds of the chapter, I think this flowed better than the previous chapters. The early part with Claude and Ethan in particular went well.
THIS is the kind of description I was looking for in whichever review I mentioned that in. In one short sentence, I get an idea of how Claude is feeling—even before he speaks—and a vivid image of where they are at this moment. It also makes me wonder things like: did the mumblings give them any gear? Do they have thick winter coats and a pack of food? Or are they up in these snow-capped mountains with nothing but the clothes they were wearing when they got here?
Also: wow, Claude is a lot more chill than I would be about stepping on a giant spider. I mean, I am imagining a GIANT spider, considering it was just skittering around out on a mountainside in a fricking BLIZZARD.
Plus there was this.
I loved this for two reasons. One was that it showed me a side of Claude I hadn’t seen before: father, and a man of at least some semblance of faith, as his idea was to look for his daughter in Heaven, rather than finding a parallel universe in which she had never died.
The second was plot-related. I started thinking: oooh, maybe this is Claude’s ultimate motivation to do the things that lead him to bring catastrophe to this world like the Seer said he would. That would be SO INTERESTING and create such a great conflict—maybe for Claude, maybe not, but definitely for both Ethan and the readers. Because on the one hand, we’d see Claude doing disastrous things, which is bad. But on the other hand, he’d be doing them out love for his dead daughter and a desperation to see her again, which makes him a tragic, misguided figure. So we feel bad for him, even though we also don’t like what he’s doing.
…but then we got to this part.
Aw, man. I was so disappointed. It seems Claude’s daughter died only to bring him and Ethan to this world, not for motivational purposes throughout the rest of the plot.
But my disappointment was not the only reason I didn’t like this, although I admit it definitely biased me against this. Anyway, the other reason is, well, we haven’t at all seen this side of Claude before. I mean, yeah, he wasn’t exactly a nice guy back in that first chapter, but he wasn’t evil. And all of a sudden he makes this dramatic leap from grouchy old man to thinking how he could become a billionaire by reproducing Earth technology in Grandayria and then leaps from there to thinking how he could just take over this entire world and also he’s totally blasé about killing people all of a sudden.
Holy crap, man.
Especially since, first of all, Mr. “Science Must Be Exact” is suddenly making the assumptions—after having seen little more of this world than a jail cell, a café, and a mountain—that this world’s technology is far inferior to Earth’s and that his brain is larger than the mumblings’. And second of all, does he actually know how to reproduce Earth’s weaponry and various other technology? Because there’s a lot of it, and he’s a science teacher. Not an engineer or a computer engineer or anything like that. And even if he was once upon a time, it’s likely he had a certain area he specialized in, not detailed knowledge of the workings of all different kinds of technology.
So this “take over the world just because we could” mentality as a means of advancing the plot, coming out of nowhere and being, frankly, a ridiculous idea due to the two reasons I just stated, really doesn’t make much sense. I’m not saying you MUST make the dead daughter Claude’s primary motivation, but…right now, the other motivation you’ve chosen seems somewhat far-fetched.
Plus Claude just announcing his evil plans to Ethan. Plus Ethan and Claude getting into a fistfight on a snow-covered mountain? Plus Claude’s cancer miraculously clearing up because “cancer doesn’t exist in this world,” which logic dictates unlikely, considering small pox and influenza didn’t exist in the New World until the arrival of the Europeans, but rather than this state of the world magically curing the Europeans, it killed off many First Nation. Not that cancer would do that, because it’s not contagious, but I still have a hard time believing it decides to clear out because, “Oops, I don’t exist in this world. Better move along.”
Oh, although actually, on that note, if you’re looking for an extremely mild, nonlethal form of cancer, basal-cell carcinoma (a type of skin cancer) is a lot more benign. Lung cancer will kill you dead. At least it’s one of the cancers most likely to do so.
well, Claude's motivations do run deeper than "me want power"...he didn't just want to take over the world for himself, he wanted to take over the world with Ethan. In other words, he wants Ethan to live the life his daughter never got to live.
And Claude stomping the spider is to show that he's not afraid of committing murder to get where he wants