Young Writers Society

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Hello again! Gosh, Blue's right - just by looking at his name, Claude Viliean is more likely than not a villain. From that alone, I doubt he'll be anything like Ethan's mentor.

Commander Gilt left, leaving Ethan and the seer in the dark and cold room together.

If the commander is the only person to leave, wouldn't there still be several more people in the room? Claude would still be at the guillotine, and the crowd would still be gathered there. What happened to them that I missed?

The seer shut her eyes and clutched her temples.

I can't picture how someone could clutch their temples. Temples are slight depressions in the skull; how can they be grasped?

“Seriously,” Ethan responded, his eyes glowing.

"Seriously" at first sounded to me like something a teenager would say to their parents when rolling their eyes. I'd find a better word substitute. The image of eyes glowing is similarly misleading; a face glowing, however, is more immediately satisfactory.

“…”

“…”

I can picture the two of them having a stare-down. xD

The seer winced. “Fine. If you must have him alive. I will order his release from jail immediately. Soon, you'll come around.”

It's amusing that Ethan, knowing that he's this big hero guy all of a sudden, can order the most revered person of the land around like that. I'm surprised she relented so easily.

The seer vanished in a puff of smoke.

Ethan made his way across shops and inns and taverns alike...

Again, I feel like there's something missing in between these two paragraphs. The bottom line is that the current course of events is moving too quickly for my taste. I'd like for things to slow down a little so I can know what Ethan's thinking about. How does he feel about being the world's "chosen one?"

I don't know if this is what you're going for with Ethan's character, but this chapter he seemed to be especially... spoiled. He accepts the fact that he's the hero of the world quite readily, and then proceeds to assume that he knows best when he forces the seer into freeing Claude. He also pouts when Butch doesn't let him inside the castle.

Harry Potter, the most famous example of a rags-to-riches "chosen one," is particularly likable as a character because, among other things, he's grateful and humble. The Dursleys ensured that he doesn't have great self-esteem, either. When Harry is given so much attention and fame, therefore, it warms are hearts, because he deserves it. On the other hand, from what I saw of Ethan in this chapter, he wasn't particularly humble or grateful to the seer. That definitely doesn't mean he should be (the literature world doesn't need any more Mr. Potters), but because the seer was stressed as an important and revered figure to the world, I would have toned down his boldness. Otherwise, maybe Ethan has a reason for being more outward than respectful with her - maybe he's especially exhausted and irritable after a crazy few days in a new world, or especially desperate for the only other earthling on the planet to remain alive. It's hard to tell, since Ethan's thoughts haven't been opened up much.

Nice work, and keep it up!

Okay, on the one hand I’m glad Claude Vilean is alive. On the other hand: if not executing him is going to cause serious problems in Grandayria, calling him “vilean” is a little telling. I mean, it looks an awful lot like “villain.”

Okay. Two major things in this chapter. One is, I felt like it moved really, really quickly. I think it’s because there was a lot of dialogue, little narration, and swiftly moving events without a good logical flow. Which is problem number two: I don’t follow these people’s logic at all. But let’s come back to that.

Slowing down the chapter is pretty easy. Right now, it’s mostly dialogue. Which is fine, you don’t have to necessarily cut dialogue to slow things down a bit. But we rarely get a glimpse of Ethan’s thoughts as he communicates with the mumblings, and there’s almost no description in this chapter. He’s in another world! Surely something other than the people is different from Earth stuff, right? Show us how. Right now, here’s the description we get of Grandayria.

The mysterious Seer of Grandayria

Commander Gilt left, leaving Ethan and the seer in the dark and cold room together.

Ethan pouted, starting off back through the lustrous capital city. Standing outside of a sleek café stood Claude Vilean.

Here’s the extent of our description: mysterious, dark and cold, lustrous, sleek. All of which are vague adjectives that tell us very little about the people or places described, some of which are redundant. Like: the Seer was shrouded in violet mist in the last chapter—of course she’s mysterious. (Plus the fact that she’s a Seer.) The capitol city has carpets encrusted with precious gems—of course it’s lustrous. That doesn’t paint much of a picture, though. Ethan is face-to-face with the Seer; what does he notice about her appearance that he might not have when he saw her at the execution? Does she have tattoos in the shapes or runes or symbols important to her people? She’s ten thousand years old and immortal as far as anyone knows—is she more wrinkled than anyone Ethan’s ever seen, or does she look inexplicably young? Is her manner haughty? Compassionate? Desperate? Weary?

And the café—not that it’s necessarily an important place that needs a lot of description, but just as an example. “Sleek” puts me in the mind of either futuristic—all shiny chrome—or minimalistic, with clean lines and few adornments. What mental image do you have of this café? Is there seating outdoors? Are there mumblings enjoying tea and staring at the weird man with beige flesh standing nearby? How are they dressed?

I have a very unclear picture of this world right now. But by including more description in your chapters, you’ll slow down the action a little and give your readers a better idea of what the setting is like, as well as the characters. Additionally, letting us into Ethan’s head would slow down the story while giving us a better feel for what he’s thinking. Is he distraught over Claude’s potential fate? Rebellious because the Seers wants him to do things for her while refusing to save his teacher? Tired? Too hysterical to even know what’s going on right now?

I’m not sure, since in the scene with the Seer he yawns, laughs, says “oh well, let’s talk about the other thing” when they first mention Claude, and then changes his mind and says he won’t do anything until they stop Claude’s execution.

And cue lack of logic in this story, because apparently they had already stopped Claude’s execution and freed him? I mean, I realize Gilt was like, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t execute anyone until we figure all this out,” but since when does that mean, “Let’s just let the guy out onto the streets. I’m sure he’s not dangerous, even though we were just planning on executing him a minute ago because of his heinous crimes.”

Not that he’s actually committed any yet.

I mean, the citizens of Grandayria respect the Seer even more than the king but told Ethan he and Claude were both free to go right after the Seer says that the execution has to happen. What’s that about? I realize Ethan was like, “I won’t help you unless you set Claude free,” but the Seer never agreed to that—in fact, she told Ethan that wouldn’t work. Which, why? Ethan could just be like, “Oh, REALLY?” and sit back and refuse to go to this Blademaster who needs to teach him combat for reasons we really don’t know yet.

I guess I just feel like the story is just really vague at this point—I don’t know if that’s because you actually haven’t figured out quite where this is going yet, beyond a general “evil” taking over the land (in which case I totally feel you, because I’m rotten at writing antagonists) or if it’s because you’re afraid of giving too much away this early in the story. But if the Seer’s going to send Ethan off on some quest against his will to train for combat with some dude he’s never heard of…let’s just say, if I were Ethan, she’d have some serious explaining to do. If Hogan isn’t the enemy, why does Rucy’s father have a guard protecting him specifically from Hogan’s possible assassination attempts? Wasn’t it mentioned in an earlier chapter that they’re at war/going to war with Hogan’s country? Has the Seer not mentioned that to the king?

Don’t clear all these things up—it would come across as a big infodump and take away all the suspense. But at least hint at things. For example, maybe the Seer hasn’t told the king Hogan isn’t the enemy, either because she has ulterior motives or thinks the idea of a darker, stronger enemy would scare the people too much. She doesn’t need to explain this to Ethan—why would she?—but if he asks something along those lines, about why the king’s so afraid of Hogan if he’s not the real enemy, she could suddenly change the subject or just sit and stare at him as if to say, “That’s none of your business.” Then we’d know she’s hiding something, right? We just wouldn’t know exactly what. So there’d be an element of suspense, BUT we would also have a sense of what’s going on (in this case, that the Seer is hiding something.)

So that’s just an example, but think of where the story is going—who the real enemy is and why the kingdom is so concerned about Hogan when it’s not him—and decide which bits and pieces of this might come out in this conversation between Ethan and the Seer. Then, keep that up throughout the story as Ethan interacts with other characters. As he gradually learns more and more of what’s going on, so will we.