“As for you, my child.” The king sat up straight on his throne as Ethan focused his eyes towards the ground, distraught. “You may stay here until your father’s execution tomorrow. Then we'll figure out what to do with you. Guards, escort him to a guestroom.”
The guestroom was extravagant, but Ethan had other things on his mind. He couldn’t seem to get the damnable image out his mind; Claude Vilean. His science teacher. Someone he considered a mentor, dragged away hopeless, dragged away towards his death despite doing nothing wrong. He lied to protect me, Ethan thought. He said I was his son so nothing would happen to me…and I let him down…he saved my life and I couldn’t even protect him…
The door opened. Princess Rucy stepped inside the
guestroom, fixing her thick brown hair out of her eyes, a certain look of
confusion overwhelming her. “So…Ethan, was it?”
“…”
“Are you really that man’s son?”
Ethan sighed. “If I promise to answer your questions,
can you just answer mine?”
The princess nodded hesitantly.
“I’m not Claude’s son,” Ethan admitted. “And I’m not
eighteen, and I’m not a salesman. I’m only thirteen.”
“And where are you from? And what’s wrong with your skin? Are you really a
mumbling like me, or…?”
“I’m not a mumbling,” Ethan explained. “I’m a human being.”
Rucy rose her brows in confusion. “A human being?” She tasted the unfamiliar words on her lips. “I’ve never even heard of such a thing. I don’t know, Ethan. This whole thing is really weird.”
The two teenagers looked at each other in disbelieving silence. Ethan was the one to break it. “Now will you answer my questions?”
The princess nodded once more.
“Where am I?”
Rucy cleared her throat. “You’re in the city of Hyguard,” she explained. “Kingdom
of Elymore.”
“And planet earth. Right? Please tell me I’m on planet earth…”
Rucy shook her head slowly. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’ve just never heard of such a thing. Our planet is called Neyoma.”
“Oh, this is just all messed up.” Ethan threw his head down onto the blanket. “Completely and utterly screwed. What planet is this, Rucy? What continent? What country? Just where the hell am I?”
Rucy folded her arms. “I just told you, you’re in the Kingdom of Elymore. The continent of Grandayria is divided into five kingdoms, total. You’re in Elymore.”
Ethan grimaced, clenching his fingers into his palms then unraveling them. He didn't feel so much the need to lie about who he was when his teacher wasn't right there pressuring him into it, but he felt unnerved all the same.
“Sorry everyone is so paranoid by the way,” Rucy added. “There's a conflict going on. That’s why you see all those guards just in the throne room, to protect my father against any attackers.”
“Conflict?” Ethan's curiosity was piqued.
“Yeah." Rucy coughed into a fist. "King Hogan, ruler of kingdoms Brenthia and Denmer is bent on taking over the entire continent by himself. But the problem with all the guard protecting my dad is that the rest of the city doesn’t have enough guards, and crime is on the way up. I feel so bad for our citizens, knowing they aren’t being protected because of King Hogan’s garbage. I wish we could talk about a way to stop him. My dad’s political advisor died not too long ago, though.”
“That's too bad...”
Rucy shrugged. “Yeah. There's also this seer who we all worship. But she hasn't been doing anything. I sure wish she'd help us...”
Ethan folded his arms behind his head, kicking a lie around his mind. “Let’s talk about Claude then,” he said.
“That old man from before? What about him?”
Ethan hummed a whistle, kicking his foot up and down on the bed. “You know, he’s my teacher back where I’m from.”
“Yeah? I hope you’re not trying to talk me into
stopping his execution. When my sister Perl says someone is bad news, she’s
never ever wrong.”
“Well, maybe he is a bad guy,” Ethan said. “He’s not the friendliest guy around, trust me. But you know what subject he
teaches?”
“What’s that?”
“Politics.” Ethan gauged Rucy’s face with a turn of his eye, butterflies in his stomach as he tried to determine whether or not his lie was convincing. “If anyone can convince King Hogan to leave your father alone…it’s him.”
Rucy’s eyes glowed with hope. She didn't know for sure if he was telling her the truth, but her sister said he was harmless. “You really think so?”
“Sure!” Ethan forced a smile, his voice cracking with the word. “You know, he’s talked the principal of our school from cutting the budget for social studies a ton of times. Just let me talk to him. Where is he being held?”
“At the dungeon halfway on the other side of the city,” Rucy said, her heart lighting up with buckets and buckets of hope. “Omigosh, this is great. We have a way we can help these people and cause an end to this conflict. I can talk Butch into taking you to speak with Mr. Claude right away. Maybe I can show you some cool tricks, too. I’m not like a mage or anything, but I’ve been practicing a lot, and I can do a couple tricks with fire.”
She scurried out of the room. Ethan pumped his fist in exertion.
The next day, Ethan sat in the crowd of important-looking people in front of Prisoner’s Hill – a dark green mountain marked by a wooden platform on top. Resting on the wooden platform was a blood-soaked guillotine, the sharp steel ready to chop the head off his teacher. Butch, Rucy and Perl sat in the row beside him.
“I don’t really feel too comfy being here,” Butch admitted, looking around the crowd. “Feels like perfect opportunity for a King Hogan spy to attack.”
“You’re being paranoid,” Perl yawned. “He’s got nothing to gain from going after us.”
“Silence!”
Two guards carried Claude Vilean onto the platform, flanked by a bald, green-skinned man dressed in a tan leather uniform. The guards dropped Claude knee first onto the hard, cold wood, before pushing his head onto the base of the guillotine.
“Alright,” the bald commander of the guard, Gilt said. “Let’s get this over with. We bring this mumbling here today, as he has committed several heinous crimes in the name of King Mason. Claude Vilean. Age fifty-three. Yes. He has two names. He’s that important.”
The crowd laughed.
“His crimes include...well, he’s a very heinous
criminal alright, I’ll tell you that.” Commander Gilt cleared his throat. “As
per tradition, before we pull the guillotine, we will ask if there are any
objections from the crowd here today.”
Rucy looked over towards Ethan, who remained dead silent.
“Very well. And as per tradition, the criminal will now be given a chance to say any last words.”
Claude shut his eyes. Peeled them back open with an added layer of confidence. “You don’t know my real story,” he said. “You don’t know I really am.”
“I know exactly who you are,” Gilt shrugged. “You’re a salesman, correct?”
“Ha. I lied,” Claude boasted.
“You lied?” Gilt shook his head. “You lied to your king, and you think that’s going to save your arse?”
“I am actually from an entirely different world from here. A galaxy called the Milky Way. A planet simply known as Earth. The way I got here is still unclear to me, but I will tell you that I am a master of politics. Before beginning to teach the subject at school, I was an advisor to the president itself.”
“What the cythis is a president?”
“It’s the leader of my home continent,” Claude explained. “You’ll be making a grand mistake executing me. Ask that boy there. Ethan.”
“He’s lying!” Perl shouted, jumping to her feet. “Don’t trust him or Ethan. They’re working together. Same with Rucy. She thinks he can help us with the conflict, but I know better. I know he’s up to no good.”
“Is that true, Princess Rucy?” Commander Gilt asked.
“…” Princess Rucy didn’t respond.
He sighed. “Very well. As a princess, your opinion is highly regarded by my
behalf. I don't really buy his story, anyway. I see no reasons we can’t proceed with the execution. Fire down the
blade, and send this man to Cythis.”
“Okay! Okay. I lied, I lied.” Claude kicked his legs as the guards held him down, clearing his throat as he was finally ready to come through with the truth. “I lied! Alright? I’m not a politics teacher. I’m a damn science teacher.”
“Is that right,” Gilt chuckled.
“Yes. I was working on an experiment in my basement when Ethan here followed me home, wanting to discuss his grades or something of the sort. Things got heated, and he started pressing buttons and we wound up here. I never intended to come here, and I just want to come home. He’s not my son, he’s just a student of mine.”
Gilt scratched his chin. “Then what did you plan to do with this experiment of yours?”
“Wait!”
A dark array of light appeared onto the platform. Shrouded in violet mist, a large green-skinned woman appeared, dressed in a silky purple robe and matching top hat. “The seer!” Gilt exclaimed. “What graces us with your presence, my holy mother?”
“I’ve sensed a presence here,” the seer said, clutching her temples and closing her eyes. “My champion! He is here.”
The crowd erupted in whispers amongst themselves. “Don’t tell me it’s this poor fool we were about to execute,” Gilt shrugged.
“No.” The seer turned towards the crowd and pointed at Ethan. “It is him.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Howdy fellow Team Teamy member! ^-^ I skimmed through the first two chapters so I could catch up with the plot as best as I could, and I like it so far! Let's get reading.
Something about that I really like. Must be the figurative language.
I think Earth should be capitalized.
"Guard" needs an "s" tacked to the end.
This is more of a stylistic choice, but I don't see the need for the ellipses at the end of the quotes. The second one especially stood out to me as unnecessary.
Since Elymore is still an unfamiliar setting for your readers, I would have liked to have known a little bit more about what happened in between these two things. How was Ethan's night? When he woke up, what were his feelings? It would be nice to hear some of his troubled and anxious thoughts. Once he's in solitude, staring blankly at the ceiling when lying in bed, would be the perfect opportunity to write them out.
Besides that, I was kind of expecting to read about the other things about to happen. After all, Rucy promised him that "I can talk Butch into taking you to speak with Mr. Claude right away." By the time Claude begins talking about politics, it's clear that he did, indeed, speak with Ethan. Why was that part skipped over, though?
Again, this might be a stylistic preference of yours, but the second sentence here is a fragment. It should be combined with the first for the best result.
[quotes]“…” Princess Rucy didn’t respond.[/quote]
That's a bit repetitive; keep one or the other (the ellipses or the words following).
The description of the seer felt a little lacking to me. Her arrival is a big deal - think of what Ethan would be seeing, thinking, and hearing from his perspective in the crowd. Maybe he hears gasps around him, or notices the way the seer's eyes sparkle. I don't like the use of the word "large" here, because I'm not sure whether that means the seer is overweight or big-boned.
I love that the relationship between Ethan and Claude is so unique. I don't know if Claude will be filling the typical "mentor" archetype or not, because although he's a teacher he's probably not terribly familiar with this new world, but if he is, I like that he and his subject have a rocky background, what with how they got here in the first place and all.
Onto the next chapter! If anything I said needs clarification, just let me know.
Well, I had another moment like that one I spent my last review talking about.
I won’t repeat everything I said there—I have other stuff to discuss—but again, why is “wow, we must be from literal different worlds” everyone’s first response to the weirdness? Not that there aren’t theories about parallel universes and whatnot, but it strikes me as odd that this is everyone’s first thought when they come upon something unknown. Is Rucy’s own world so small, has she seen so much of it, that she can immediately rule out the idea that human beings might be from an obscure part of her own world? Why is “a different world” her first thought?
That said, I really liked the line “she tasted the unfamiliar words on her lips.” It’s like sneaky poetry working its way into the story. Really nice figurative language.
So the next thing I was wondering about was the weird way “trust” seems to work in this place. In the last chapter, it was decided Claude would be executed because Princess Telepath looked into his eyes and decided he was untrustworthy, while Ethan was declared trustworthy and generously allowed to stay for his faux-father’s execution. Ethan immediately trusts Rucy enough to tell her exactly who he and Claude really are but then undermines his own trustworthiness by lying about what Claude teaches. Claude tries to save himself from execution—which he’s threatened with because of being untrustworthy—by lying some more. Meanwhile, Princess Telepath declares that not only he, but Ethan and even her own sister, are untrustworthy.
And even though Butch tells everyone Claude’s on the chopping block (literally) for “heinous crimes,” the only crime we actually know he’s committed is “being untrustworthy.” Like, wow. Nice place. They don’t even want to question him or anything first? Just: BAM, you’re untrustworthy, OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!
Finally, the Seer. Right now, it feels a whole lot like deus ex machina—a coincidental thing that swoops in to rescue the main character/s from a dire situation or to solve a problem for them.
The reason this feels like a cheap plot trick is that the Seer appears out of nowhere to rescue Ethan and Claude. (Or at least she’s momentarily stayed the execution and announced that Ethan, newly arrived in this world, is her “champion.”) Honestly, it would help just to drop a mention of her earlier in the chapter and then let us see her sitting at the execution rather than not mentioning her at all until the moment of truth.
She doesn’t need to actually appear earlier in the chapter—perhaps Ethan just overhears someone mention “the Seer” or notices excitement in the city, which Rucy says is because there’s a rumor the Seer has almost found her champion. No need to explain it any further—the mention is enough, because now we know there IS a Seer.
Then, at the execution, Ethan might notice her sitting off by herself, like, “A woman in a silky purple robe and matching top hat sat off to the side, alone…” Presumably she’s an interesting-looking person who would attract your attention, right? And then at the moment she currently enters, she could stand up. i.e.
With a quick mention of her before the execution ever takes place and noticing her at the execution before we know who she is, this moment where she declares Ethan her champion won’t come out of nowhere.
Thank you for your wonderful review -- I hadn't even thought of having someone mention the seer earlier than she appeared.
As for Ethan and Rucy -- it wasn't so much that Ethan trusted Rucy with who he really was, he just didn't feel the need to hide it. He only hid it earlier because Claude was pressuring him to do so...Besides, lying got Claude dragged away for an execution, what good would more lies do him, would be what he figured
really though, the mumblings just aren't that smart compared to humans and that comes into play later on
made some edits