Hey!
All his life he had feared death as a cold, damp plague eating away at a defenseless =defenceless? victim.
This is awkwardly put, and the lack of correct grammar doesn't help--it's a fragment. Initially, reword it to: "Throughout his entire life, he had seen death as a cold, damp plague, eating away at its defenceless victim." Otherwise, you are implying, above everything else, that he fears other things whilst being a plague, if you see what I mean.
he then knew that he was about to have a noble death.
Firstly, I don't like the repetition. Secondly, what is a noble death? Or rather, what is a noble death to Rhys? Don't go into specifics, but some ideas about emotions leading to them would be of no harm. Also, isn't he scared? How? What tells us this?
Or will I have to kill you, son?"
Why underlined? Why not italicised? Or are you just trying to shove it down the reader's throat? Besides, can't you find a better way to point out the king is the father, rahter than addressing the son as, literally, son? Who says that anyway?
Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripped from his cracked lip and bruises were beginning to swell around his eye
The grammar monster strikes again. Should be: "Rhys winced as he lifted his head off the stone floor, crimson tears dripping from his lip and bruises starting to swell around his eye.
"I love her. She is my life. Don't you ever ask me to kill her."
Even though the King is not worthy of his words? Just stick something in here, like, "he said, breaking his vow of silence."
Alright, that's it for nitty-pickings.
My biggest issue with this is that, aside form being dangerously short, I have no idea who Rhys is. And not in a mystical, good way. See, there's no reason for me to care. I, myself, like the King best at the moment, because he's doing the dirty work as opposed to getting someone to do it for him. But I'm guessing it's from Rhys' viewpoint, and thus we need to get inside his head and make him human. It's all about "he did this, and he thought this, and was this," but we don't actually know why. Lengthen this out, start with him in the cell, thinking, with the King's footsteps patting along the ground and making him tremble. And what's a "heroic death"? Don't alienate us; we've only just met Rhys, so we need to get to know him.
You might also need to change your storyline if you want to improve it--the real problem is, however, in the smaller parts. The point of this preface is to get to know Rhys, and introduce the story, yes? Can you not do that with some character development? Namely, like I said, have him in the cell at the start, scared.
Keep with it--I'm interested to see where it goes.
Best,
Mark
Points: 13719
Reviews: 243
Donate