Unmask.

I've added maaaany more chapters. who wants to read? pm me.

I'm really bad at proof reading(I have a hard time even doing my own stuff!) but I'm good with plots and stuff if you know what I mean.
One thing I did notes though is that you use commas way to much.

Plot wise it was pretty good but you need to show more then tell. Also I'd work on adding description in with the story letting it flow rather then the "Info dump" you have now.

I really like the suspense of the hole thing:) A real page turner!(or since it's on the computer would it be a page scroller?)

Well anyway I know it's not much but I hope it helps!

I see music took care of the issues, and I am a bad proof reader. I saw your post in Writer's Corner about this, but did not make a comment due to a lack of content to go by.

This piece is short, and it really doesn't help me answer try to fix your writer's block because the content is still so little. You have 17,000 words down according to your other post, but I can't help think that 17,000 words reads entirely like this entry.

A lot of the problems with this piece is the dialogue and the in formal, way to informal to be exact, prose you have int he story. It reads like a diary and is very bland by using passive verse. Going between active and passive should be part of the tools a writer uses to fill in gaps of knowledge or take a look at something more closely, then switch to the in depth active prose to bring the reader in more. Like the focus of a lens, it needs to be adjusted for capturing the picture you words paint. Frankly, I don't see it.

Everything is told to us, so I cannot really get into the story. Making matters worse was the constant 'I' at the beginning of almost every sentence. Try to spice up the sentence structure some. You also need more description, especially in active 'showing 'prose and not this passive 'telling' prose.

For curing your writer's block, it seems that you are unorganized and write this on the fly without really knowing the characters before hand. Perhaps some character sheets and a grasp of various settings will help you overcome it.

Hello, darling! I'll review overall for prologue and chapter 1 and edit grammar for chapter one [since everyone else did the prologue.]

[s]My throat was so dry with all the screams in my dream.[/s] My throat was dry due to all the screams I had omitted in my dreams.

I think the sentence was a little choppy, so I re-worded it.

A [s]DREAM[/s]dream! I thought.

I hoped it really was just a dream. But, unfortunately, it [s]did happen[/s]had happened. I [s]did lose[/s]had lost[/s] so much. I happen[b]ed to be the little girl that was terrified, killed, and lived again.

You're mixing up your tenses here. Keep it in past tense, the one you used first.

I was in a coma for five months, and when I woke up, the two things I remembered were my name and the day five months before. It was all a blur to me, how I woke up again, because as far as I [s]am concern[/s] was concerned, I had died. Someone had killed me, that boy had killed me. How [s]w[/s]could I live if my heart had stopped? How [s]w[/s]could I live if- right there- that little boy [s]KILLED ME[/s]killed me? Answer.

Hazel-colored eyes, long, dyed black hair, very, very pale skin, and 5’8 in height[s],[/s]; that’s pretty much what I could say about myself.

Brianna has strawberry blond hair in a bob, icy blue eyes, and ivory skin. While Harold, or Dad, has brown hair, brown eyes, and tan skin. He is also built, but not bulky. They are actually just like siblings to me[s],[/s]; she is 31 and he is 33.

“[s]SUMMER[/s]Summer!”

“Yes, mom, I am very much aware that I am late now.”

“Good.” Was all she said[s],[/s]. [s]f[/s]Funny? Well, no. Even though she acts mother-like, she still sounds like an older sister.

“I’m going, Mom.”

“Okay,” [s]S[/s]she shouted from the kitchen, which is- by the way- three rooms away from where I am[s]. (Just so you know)[/s]- just so you know.

I walked towards school[s],[/s]; don’t pity me[s],[/s]- I don’t do this because I have to, it’s because I want to. I needed to think. I needed to process the images that [s]went vivid[/s]had been presented vividly in my dreams. It had been haunting me for ten years now.

“You know, there’s a thing called ‘Sorry’[s].[/s],” I said this, complete with the air quotes.

“It’s [s]not nice[/s]rude of me to not say that word, but I’ve been saving that word for one person only. I hope you understand[s].[/s],” [s]H[/s]he said in his most calm voice. Okay, so why did I know he was calm? He could have killed me, then and there.

“Look, mister-[s]not-nice[/s]rude-of-me-to-not-say-sorry, you are so goin—“

I simply could not finish my statement, because he suddenly wrapped his arms around me.

I was in a state of shock. All of my brain cells [s]are[/s]were dying, one by one. My heart [s]is[/s]was skipping beats. It [s]feels[/s]felt like I kn[s]o[/s]ew this guy from somewhere[s],[/s]; [s]I’m feeling[/s]it felt as if he was or is a part of me. I just [s]can’t[/s]couldn't remember.

“You will understand,” he said, and then turned and walked away. [s]then he walked away.[/s]

I stood there, taken aback. Who wouldn’t? Being hugged by a guy you don’t know[s],[/s]; who wouldn’t be freaked out?

Surprisingly, I kind of[s],[/s] felt like[s], uhm,[/s]I kn[s]o[/s]ew him.

Overall:

Hi, and nicely done! I want to know who killed her family and why. Your grammar wasn't perfect; try to double check for any careless mistakes before posting. I want to know what will happen between these characters!
Anyway, good job! Keep it up!

Love,
Music.

Hey, I'm Moo, and I'll be looking at your work

I was your average girl, living. I had a family. A mother, a father, siblings, I was the youngest. But they took it away from me.

I asked her in my six-year old voice

BURNING THEM.

And I sat there, just sat there.

Hearing the screams, the pleas,

I sat there

I was afraid to look at him, I was afraid of him.

“Now, kill the girl” the man said, I trembled.

He was about my age, six?

I can’t see him clearly.

The little boy held my wrist, I felt a burning sensation, and I looked at him, and knew what was going to happen.

First of all, i would just like to say i really liked this and thoroughly enjoyed it! Also, sorry if i repeat advice already given to you But, now to review!

“Who are they mama?” I asked her in my six-year old voice, she did not answer. Tears just kept on falling from her eyes. Back then I can’t even understand what was happening.

There stood, a man in black shirt and pants, he was plain.

He was plain before I saw the fire from his eyes. He was plain before I saw the fire from his hands. He was plain before I saw how he killed my family, looking them straight in the eye, holding them tight. BURNING THEM.

I can see what you were trying to achieve with repeating 'he was plain', but in my opinion it just seemed a bit repetitive. You could use something like I soon realised he wasn't plain when i saw the fire in his eyes... and just carry on with that? If you get my drift... Also, when you capatilised 'BURNING THEM' i understand that you were trying to emphasize this, but it's really not necessary, if you just left it as 'Burning them', it would be emphasized really well.

He was about my age, six? , I can’t see him clearly.

A mother, a father, siblings, I was the youngest.

“Who are they mama?” I asked her in my six-year old voice,[but] she did not answer.

Back then I can't even understand what was happening.

And I sat there, just sat there.

“Now, kill the girl” the man said

“Sorry” in a tone so soft only [s]us:[/s] he and I would hear.

I am now sixteen. I am a sophomore and living here in Salem, New Jersey. Hazel-colored eyes, long dyed black hair, very, very pale skin, and 5’8 in height, that’s pretty much what I could say about myself.

Their names are Brianna and Harold Sparks.

They are [s]actually[/s] just like siblings to me, she is 31 and he is 33.

I needed to process the images that went vividly in my dreams.

It had been [s]hunting [/s]me for ten years now.

My recalls were suddenly interrupted by someone who was plain stupid not to know where to go.

“Look, mister-not-nice-of-me-to-not-say-sorry you are so goin—“

Surprisingly, I kind of, felt like, uhm, know him.

Hey! I'm La Reina, and I'll be reviewing your prologue today. (Don't have enough time to do chapter one, sorry!)

[Dreamy Manifestations]


I was your average girl[s], living.[/s][The whole 'living' part doesn't really fit.] I had a family: A mother, a father, and siblings[s],[/s]. I was the youngest. But they took it away from me.


“Who are they mama?” I asked her in my six-year old voice. She did not answer. Tears just kept on falling from her eyes. Back then I [s]can’t[/s] couldn't even understand what was happening.


There stood[s],[/s] a man in black shirt and pants[s],[/s]. He was plain. He was plain before I saw the fire from his eyes. He was plain before I saw the fire from his hands. He was plain before I saw how he killed my family, looking them straight in the eye, holding them tight. BURNING THEM. And I sat there[s],[/s] ... just sat there. Hearing the screams, the pleas, the cries of my family and doing nothing to stop the agony. I sat there, hearing the bitter chuckle of the man who killed them. I was afraid to look at him, I was afraid of him. And I still am.


“Now, kill the girl” the man said[s],[/s]. I trembled. Then, I saw someone standing in front of me. He was about my age.[s], six? ,[/s] I [s]can’t[/s] couldn't see him clearly. Besides the fact that fire was everywhere, my vision was cloudy because of the tears, tears of fear. The little boy held my wrist[s],[/s]. I felt a burning sensation, and I looked at him, and knew what was going to happen. The last thing I heard was when he whispered.


“Sorry” in a tone so soft only us[s]:[/s], he and I, would hear.


Then everything went black.