z

Young Writers Society



Stars Burned.

by threm.


I can’t hold on to this forever

I’m in a sick winding road

To many paths to turn to

I don’t know which one to take

I can’t hold on to you forever

With each day I know the pain grows more and more

Will my tears ever subside?

It’s not like you said goodbye

But what happened is much worse

Because it was clearly obvious

What are those freaking words for?

What are those sweet nothings for?

I knew it

I knew it from the start

But why did I ever let myself

Be blinded on what I want to happen?

I can’t even cry anymore

I can’t even scream

My words flow like a raging stream

I’ve build my own coffin

I dug my own grave

I feel like I’ve written my last will

I felt like I’m dying

It feels like every star had burned to ash

It feels like my every pen had lost its ink

It feels like the sky was never clear

And what happened was my greatest fear

I don’t know how to end this

End this like you did

My photo was still with you

But your heart was nowhere near



Let me know what you think. Thanks. :)

-threm.


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User avatar
95 Reviews


Points: 5008
Reviews: 95

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Fri Feb 27, 2009 1:56 pm
telle_04 wrote a review...



hello threm.

hhm..

except for some grammar flosses, this poem was really nice for me,
like you've written it just the way how you exactly felt it.

i think it's exceptional, because as i can see you are a beginner.

keep it up. it isn't often that i comment on works like these.

god bless.




User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 17

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Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:06 am
Claeren wrote a review...



I really like this. I mean, I really like this. =) There are a few problems though.

Spelling/Grammar - There are a few instances where you misspelled something or got your grammar mixed up.

I’ve build my own coffin

"build" should be "built".

It feels like every star had burned to ash

"had" should be "has".

But your heart was nowhere neargh:

"neargh" should be "near". I don't think that one was on purpose. =)


Rhythm/Rhyming - I can't find any set rhythm in this. Also, the the rhyming is all mixed up. In some places it rhymes and in other places it doesn't, which kind of throws you off. Maybe try some different wording?

Overall - It's a great poem, the biggest thing that was wrong with it was the rhyming/rhythm scheme and that was basically it. It's pretty long too, so that's awesome. Gold star all the way! ^^

- Claeren

P.S. maybe you should try not putting so many spaces between lines. I found it hard to read because of it. Just a hint! ^^





Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice