She had a pretty face, with eyes that could make you fall for her instantly. Hair that fell down her shoulders like a black velvet curtain. She was loud, throwing her happiness at my face. Hourglasses were jealous of her shape. But she was empty, vain, fake. I told you, I warned you about that kind of girl, about her cold heart. I loved you and you knew I did, but you chose her cruel freezing winds over my warm weather, and what hurted me the most was how the cold treat she gave you ended up turning your soul into an ice block I was never able to break.
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
I think this piece is very meaningful. Everyone else already told you about the grammatical issues and as you commented English isn't your first language which is understandable because me too. So first lets start with this "like a black velvet curtain" I can totally imagine what you're trying to say but I think you could come up with something a little more I don't know spice. Overall I honestly do love this piece so much and you're a great writer.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I promised that I'd come by and review this for you, didn't I? And so here I am.
Before I really began, I need to warn you that I'm the worst at interrupting this sort of thing. Like the worst. I see what's there, but the meaning is extremely hard to get across to me. So I'll just be going off of what I see, and let's hope I don't get anything wrong.
Alright, I can see that you tried to mirror two things alongside each other. This girl that you talk about is being mirrored alongside the weather, and they are reflecting off the other. It was a good idea, I'll give you that. While I loved how you presented it, I do think the grammar could be worked on a bit. I saw from your reply to the last reviewer that English isn't your native language, so I will try to keep this as easy to understand as possible. Learning the ropes of a new language is haaard, so I'll do my best with this. xD
This obviously is being told from a girl's perspective. And she is love with this man, but he is falling for this other girl, who is exactly the best. At least the way she seemed to be presented as, she didn't appear to be the greatest. What was my main problem, was that I couldn't tell at first that this was told from a girl's perspective. First read through, I thought it was a guy telling the story. And then I read through again, and I'm like, "wait, what? This is a girl?" And I re-read and re-read just to make sure that I was, in fact, right on that. I'd suggest seriously trying to make it apparent from the start that this is told from a girl's perspective. Talk about the relationship between the boy and the MC first, and then go into the other girl, is my opinion. Don't just dive into it right away. Hope that made sense. ^^
This seemed a little uncertain. How about replace could with would? That might sound a bit better.
Hmm, I wasn't really sure about this. Sure, that did give me an impression of a black sheet of hair that was cascading down her shoulders, or what have you. But my main problem was that it just seemed rather bland. Try and spice it up with a bit of more exciting description. It's not always the image that you are striving for, but also the way it sounds. The image is what you mainly want of course, but you can try for a little more flowery language when doing a literary work like this.
Whoaaah, dude. That's a long sentence to have as your closing line. Why not try to split it up a bit? Like maybe after weather you start a new sentence and try to build off of there? Try to have a strong ending, whenever possible. It reaaaally helps get the full gist of the story, when you do.
xD Hurted isn't actually a word. Just take out the -ed and it will be fine as just HURT. Make sense? ^^
Okay, seeing as this is a fairly short piece there isn't actually much for me to talk about now. Hope this little bit helps you, and please tell me if you don't understand anything.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hello
First of all, the content and the story of the passage was pleasing since it kinda mirrors the reality of what most of us go through and that is getting hurt by knowing that others don't see things the way we see it.
This one looked promising though, a little too short and could use some more....'more' in it. Double check your punctuation. When you described the ice girl, don't break in the middle of of a physical description with an internal one.... "Hair that fell down her shoulders like a black velvet curtain. She was loud, throwing her happiness at my face."
It was also a little bit confusing on the part of the last sentence. Which was also a little bit too long to be a sentence. You could break it at "...but you chose her cruel freezing winds over my warm weather."
"what hurted me the most". . . past tense of hurt is 'hurt'
"the cold treat". . . "treatment," perhaps?
I hope this will help you with your other works. Continue on creating! ^_^
Thanks a lot! I got a little confused because english is not my first language, your advice really helped!