Just a New City and a New Home

Hey! Happy Review Day! Corrections will be made in bold, if any are present!

I watched as we passed over the bridge into the city and I could see all the skyscrapers of New York City and all of their many rooms. This was weird to go into a different city that you transfer to. And the only reason was that I was transferring schools to finish high school and because my parents had to for work.

It seemed to be just another Monday in the city; crowded from people going to work and kids going to school. Tourists were everywhere as usual in a big U.S. city.

I watched as we stopped in front of the tall building where we bought the apartment and watched as my parents delete as they stepped out of the car. I stepped out as well and followed behind them. We took the elevator up 6 floors and walked down the hall until we were in front of the door to the apartment.

The apartment was already furnished when we bought it so we didn't have to worry about getting it all up. We walked in and looked around. It was so much bigger it seemed that what was made in the pictures we looked at. We heard a knock at the door and we looked weirdly at each other. They looked at me and I groaned.

"Fine, I guess I'll get it." I said.

I walked to the door putting my long black hair up since it was getting in my face. I opened it to see there was a boy about my age standing there with a box in his hand. He had short brown curly hair, brown eyes, and a more cool and collective kind of look to him.

"I'm sorry to be bugging you guys but we heard you were moving here. We live across the hall and my Mom sent me down with a pie she baked for you guys when she heard." He smiled.

I smiled back and let him in. I led him to the kitchen shouting to my parents.

"We have a guest he lives across the hall." I said.

Mom and Dad walked in smiling. It was weird that it hasn't even been 10 minutes yet and we already had someone welcome us from across the hall.

"Sorry," he said, "My name is Adam. It's not usual that people move into this apartment since it was just finished with building recently. But anything to welcome new neighbors. My Mom sent a pie over and our number just in case you needed anything." he said.

"Hello Adam. I'm Robert, this is my wife Mary, and our daughter, Sarah. thanks for the visit." Dad replied.

"No problem just thought I'd do mom a favor and come on down. If you have questions you can call us or stop by." he smiled.

"Thank you." Mom said back.

"Lets do something sometime Sarah. It would be nice to know you." he said.

I nodded and led him out. I watched him walk only three doors down and walk into his own apartment after waving bye. Closing the door behind me i saw my mom smiling at me. I groaned laughing at the big smile she gave me.

"I think you already have an admirer." she laughed.

Hi, GreenTulip here for a Review Day review. Nothing special, but nothing terrible. Wait, maybe it will be in the middle or maybe it will be terrible. I should stop rambling on and get to the point right? You want to hear feedback, right of course you do.

So I am getting to the point.

What? I don't think I comprehend the meaning of this story. Is it suppose to show the feelings of a move or meeting a new person and making friends? I don't understand what it is suppose to be.

So besides capitalization and grammar, this was pretty good.

Hello,

This is a great writing attempt. I like the concept of the story.

It all seems to go a bit fast though. Maybe you could try to talk a bit more about the characters and describe what they look like and things like that. Just try to take a bit more time describing everything so the reader can clearly imagine everything. Try to add more and make it longer.

Also, I think you need to look back over punctuation. I noticed there are a lot of the letter 'I' that need capitalising. There are other words that need a capital letter as well. It might be good to also add commas to some sentences.

I hope this helps.

Hi there, thosethatgotaway! Dd here with your review! Now, I'm just going to get this out of the way by saying: I personally don't enjoy teen fiction and I usually don't read it. But, you know, I think I'll broaden my horizons to do this review, especially for such a new member of YWS! Welcome, by the way! Let's begin.

I like the character, Sarah, that you have here. She seems like a realistic character, so far, with realistic thoughts. I mean, I think I'd find it weird to be in a new city. However, I don't think you're going into her mind enough. First person narration usually obligates knowing the thoughts and emotions of the character. You've got the thoughts down, somewhat, but now you need to get the emotions in there. I'm not really getting a sense of how she's feeling. Try to work on telling the readers your character's thoughts and how they feel.

Also, as for Adam, although I think he's an interesting character, I don't think you described him well enough. I know that when I see a stranger, I examine them (not creepily, but you know) and I think Adam can be considered a stranger. Try to describe him more as well as other characters that come in. It may be a good idea to describe her family, as well. My suggestion is: Adam's a stranger, make the description evident; her family is familiar, try to nonchalantly mention their features. Like "My Dad peered out from under his bushy eyebrows, and took a sip of his coffee."

Now, for some technical stuff:

You incorrectly capitalized your title. It should look like this: "Just a New City and a New Home."

I watched as we passed over the bridge into the city. I could see all the skyscrapers of New York City and all of its many rooms.

It seemed to be just another Monday in the city. crowded from people going to work and kids going to school.

I watched as we stopped in front of the tall building where we bought the apartment. I looked at my parents as they stepped out of the car. I stepped out as well and walked behind them.

they looked at me and I groaned.

"Fine, I guess I'll get it." i said.

"Fine, I guess I'll get it," I said.

"I'm sorry to be bugging you guys but we heard you were moving here. we live across the hall. My Mom sent me down with a pie she baked for you guys when she heard." he smiled.

"Thank you." mom said back.

"Thank you," Mom said back.

Hello thosethatgotaway,

Happy YWS Olympics and belated Valentine's day! This is Magenta here to write you a quick review on your short story, Just a New City and a New Home. Oh, wait! I forgot to welcome you. Welcome to the Young Writer's Society! I am sure that you will like it here and I offer my friendship and assistance, should you need some along the way. Although, it seems to me that you are doing just fine on your own as I can see that you have already submitted something and have done some reviews to earn your first star. I ma glad that you submitted a work so soon. It just comes to show that you are a writer who is always ready to write. I have a few suggestions and comments to make for your story while I'm writing this review.

"i watched as we passed over the bridge into the city. i could see all the skyscrapers of NYC and all of its many rooms. "

I would first suggest capitalizing all of your i's in the work so that your writing is grammatically correct in all aspects. Another thing would be to write out "New York City" instead of using the acronym because when you are writing, it's usually better just to write the whole thing.

"crowded from people going to work and kids going to school. Tourists were everywhere as usual in a big US city."

I would also consider capitalizing any word that starts a sentence. As for "US", I think that there could be periods at the end of each initial, but I suppose that isn't necessary.

""Fine i guess ill get it." i said."

I would place a comma behind the word "fine" and capitalize the important words like "i" and "i'll", which should have an apostrophe in order to be the proper contraction for "I will".

"We took the elevator up 6 floors and walked down the hall until we were in front of the door to the apartment." I would suggest spelling the number "6" out as "six".

"we only saw the pics and it was so much bigger it seemed that what was made in the pics. "

After you capitalize the first word of this sentence, I would suggest writing "pics" as "pictures". I would also suggest changing one of them because I feel like it is repetitive. Perhaps you could write,"The apartment appeared to be much smaller than what the pictures had shown." Something like that.

"Mom and dad walked in smiling." "Dad" should be capitalized because you are referring to "dad" as his name, not as a dad.

Other than these few things, I think that this was a good first submission. Great job and I hope to see some more of your writing.

~ Magenta