164

Wow. Whoa. I bet you already know this is great, but I have to tell you anyway. AMAZING. It literally bleeds emotion, without being to gushy or melodramatic. The title drew me in, and it's connection to the poem itself was brilliant. The first sentence was so blunt, as if the narrator didn't care, but just getting straight to the point. I like that. But I think you should take out the comma in the first sentence, so that your reader will read it more quickly, which will increase the impact of it. I think the first verse should go like this (just a suggestion!):

Today my father died.
Gone. He was here yesterday.
Left me, my family.
Not a note or good-bye.

Also, you need to check your puncuation at the end of your lines. It's just a small thing, but with correct grammar it's easier to read. I think the second verse is almost perfect. Just two things: In the second sentence, change 'every one' to 'each' just to make it a little less wordy, and 'Counted each' to 'Counted the cars' so you don't repeat the word 'each' twice in one sentence. And also, in the last sentence, I think it should be 'I didn't even spend that...' I think it just sounds better that way (maybe it's just a personal thing?).

Your final verse is brilliant. Just one thing: I think it should be 'He left with the...' Because otherwise it sounds like it should be 'He left my mother for...' I think it flows better my way, although you might not agree. Your last sentence is breath-taking! I really don't think I need to say anymore, apart from that the concept is fantastic. Very original. Not short from perfect!
-Anna

This was really touching and the imagery was just beautiful. When you talked about counting the cars on the trains, I could really see a train rushing by while one person stands watching and counting. I especially loved your word choice and the fact that you said that your father died in your eyes, but didn't literally die. This kept the reader suspenseful that your father actually did die. Beautiful. Keep writing! BRAVO

Ooh, I like!

This is very short, and it doesn't all piece together too well, but I think that's part of what's good about it. I can imagine some poor kid wandering down the street confused of what to think, and this is what comes from it. I especially love the last two lines.

The timeframe confused me a little. He died today, left last night and breathes this morning. Does that mean today is morning, or that the poem slipped tense somewhere? The middle verse is in past tense, but the other two in present.

The first verse, although is good, could do with a little more work too. The whole "he was here before and left us without saying goodbye" is a little cliche. Maybe it could be ordered differently, or rephrased. Both of the other verses leave a specific image in my mind, so perhaps you could do this in the first verse too.

Lastly, don't forget punctuation. Read the lines as if it was all one paragraph, and wherever the pauses should come you need a comma or full stop, even if you have a line break.

Overall this is nice to read, and I like the style of it. Keep it up