Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Dramatic

12+

A Delusion

by thing2


Happiness fills the air

Surrounding the outside world

Like a blanket we use to cover ourselves

Yet I stand still

Stuck in a nightmare I created

Piles of sin carry on for miles

But my eyes can only see so much

I sit in a deserted wasteland

Where the darkness is my only friend

As I submit to her negativity

A toxic friendship

That consumes me more and more

With each passing second

Can I save myself from this reality

Have I always been rooted here

Bound to the darkness like a slave

Is this my purpose

Or is the light and love my calling

Now I’ll never know

These thoughts delude my mind

I fade into an empty void

This nightmare feels like an eternity

But it was all just a blink in time




                                                    by Victoria Notzon


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
104 Reviews


Points: 2402
Reviews: 104

Donate
Tue Jan 28, 2020 7:28 pm
LZPianoGirl says...






User avatar
104 Reviews


Points: 2402
Reviews: 104

Donate
Tue Jan 28, 2020 7:28 pm
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



**My Thoughts**

Hey @thing2! LZ here with a review! This poem was great! I liked how short it was, it was very easy to read!

**Formatting and Grammar**

The formatting was wonderful! I liked how you didn't separate it into stanzas, it fits this poem. As for grammar, I didn't catch anything! Good job!

**Punctuation and Capitalization**

There wasn't any punctuation in this poem. I can see why you ignored it, it looks fine. But, for lines where you're asking a question:

Can I save myself from this reality Have I always been rooted here


Those could really use a question mark. It was hard to read without them. As for capitalization, it looks good! The capitalization is very neat.

**Quick Review**

Great poem, I liked it! It would be better with punctuation, though!

Keep on writing, this poem was great! Have a good Tuesday!




User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Donate
Wed Jan 22, 2020 10:06 pm
tgham99 wrote a review...



You tackle a myriad of intense emotions in this poem, which is undoubtedly your intention, so great job there. I will say that I found it a bit difficult to put into words what kind of turmoil the speaker is actually feeling; are they frustrated? Are they saddened by the idea of the nightmare that they're living in?

In terms of suggestions, I think the use of punctuation would have gone a long way; this is only because there are a few lines that come off as confusing/run-ons because I had a hard time figuring out where one thought ends and another one begins. This was especially true with the rhetorical questions --

"Can I save myself from this reality"
"Is this my purpose"

I do like that you used the metaphor of the darkness as a toxic friend; this in itself is a sensation that many people (including myself over the years) can relate to -- darkness, with all of its faults and fearsomeness, can be our only friend at times.

Overall it's an interesting poem and I would encourage you to experiment more with punctuation and perhaps different structure decisions (stanzas, enjambment, etc.) <3

Good job!!




thing2 says...


Thank you so much for your review! I appreciate the time you took to do it. I will begin learning about punctuation in poetry soon. After that we will explore the different structures. I'm in 7th grade and recently started homeschooling. Learning to be a better writer is one of my main goals!



tgham99 says...


No problem, I can't wait to see more of your writing!!



User avatar
87 Reviews


Points: 3145
Reviews: 87

Donate
Wed Jan 22, 2020 3:15 pm
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hey there @thing2 . I must say you wrote a very beautiful and interesting piece here . I love the theme of your poem 'delusion' and how you have expressed so intense feelings. You have kept the magic alive throughout the poem . I really liked how you described darkness as your 'only friend' and then revealed about its ' toxic friendship'.
*Tip*
Though I will make a suggestion that you should include punctuation marks in your poem because even though you wrote some strong lines here but but there was no pause that could make the reader give more emphasis on what you have written and they may miss out some important points of your wonderful lines.
It's totally your decision. :)

Anyway I liked it very much and had a good time reading it. You have got a lot of potential . Keep writing like this . <3




thing2 says...


Thank you for your encouragement and I am going to be diving deeply into the punctuation pool!



User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 2848
Reviews: 37

Donate
Wed Jan 22, 2020 11:57 am
View Likes
ChrisDixon says...



Hi thing2. I am here to review your wonderful poetry.
I think you wrote the best one I ever read.
Reveiw time!
'But my eyes can only see so much.'
If you are using only it would better if you fix it to: But only my eyes could see so much
Or 'But my eyes could see so much.'
I use to write many poems, but now I am into writing books. So if I am wrong please correct me.
No offense.
Keep on writing
^_^
>Chris




thing2 says...


I see where you are coming from with that one line. I played around with it and could not decide how to state it more clearly, so I just went with my gut. Thank you so much for the feedback and especially on this specific line. It will help me explore more ways to organize my words!



User avatar


Points: 228
Reviews: 3

Donate
Tue Jan 21, 2020 10:30 pm
CassieList says...



I LOVE IT!!!❤️ The words are great and no grammar issues in my knowing. The only critic is I.Want.More! Im going to check your other stuff out too! The spacing is really nice. The words are VERY descriptive.




thing2 says...


I will definitely keep writing! I didn't realize that writing would be something I would enjoy this much. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement!




The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
— CandyWizard