One
"Mom..."
"Mom."
"Mom," the one single strand of parental name-calling that was intentionally authorized upon her prominent female blood relative, kept drizzling out of Karrisa's mouth. "Mom!"
"If you say 'mom' again, I'll show you my mom. It won't be as brilliant as you believe your grandmother to be," Haven Andrews waltzed into the baby blue bedroom that Karissa had somehow splattered black spray paint all over without making the setting depressing. "What do you need, baby?"
"What is a pubic hair?"
Haven looked at her daughter directly in her topaz eyes. Quite flattened by surprise, she took a second to decide the perfect response. There really wasn't one that would involve answering the question, "Why, Rissa?"
"Well, Henry Tylers told Jenny, Kaitlyn, and me that he already had it all over himself wherever he needed it. Then, he said it was because he was such a grown-man."
At that moment, Haven suddenly felt a gulp in her throat that wouldn't easily clear, "Who is this Henry kid that you're talking about?"
"He's Jenny's big brother, mom! Don't you remember, Jennifer Tylers? That's my best friend's name, mom! Are you crazy?" She was laughing now, too. Too oblivious to see the fearful crimes her mother was imagining, it merely brightened a soul to find innocence within Karissa's charisma. After-all, Karissa was eight-years old.
"How old is Henry Tylers?"
"He's seventeen; his birthday was on the same day that Jenny's party was on. He gave me a lollipop. It was chocolate flavored, and then he swung me on the swings because I didn't want to play dress-up with the other girls." Taking in Karissa's ongoing explanations, nearly made Haven want to cry. This all made her question her power of authority and wonder if allowing her children to be free spirits as she did, was the wisest thing. "Come here, Karissa; I need to go out. Come with me."
"Where are we going? It's so late, momma. Won't Daniel wonder where we are? Can he come with us?" Daniel was her brother and Haven's step-son. Actually, that made Haven stop and think.
"Never mind, go back to your room. Okay? Listen to me; lock your window and read yourself a story. To make up for no story-time tonight, tomorrow I'll read three books."
"Three? Really! Really?" Karissa hugged her mother tightly. It was one of those hugs children gave parents when they were too afraid to walk into school alone for the first time in their entire little lives.
Haven lifted Karissa up and despite her hurry to talk with Daniel alone, she tucked her in and handed her The Polar Express.
"I love you."
"I love you more."
"I love you most."
"I love you, french toast."
"I love you, cheese fries."
"Cheese fries?" Haven laughed, "That's a new one."
"I love you, fry-fry," Haven ended on that note as she kissed her daughter's forehead.
Daniel was camping in his room as Haven saw it. He stayed on his XBOX One for the primary existence of his human-form. Instead of sleeping in his bed, he'd sleep on his floor. She called it camping because at night he would make a pillow-fort to sleep in with sheets draping over the fort, making all of it look like a tent. "Danny-boy, can I talk to you?" His headphones blared heavy-medal; it sounded like something by Seether. He tended to play Pandora till his eyes looked blood-shot. It was an everyday sort of thing. Finally, he slipped his headphones down from his ears; they laid over his shoulders.
"You've entered my dome, what is it you wish to speak of, madam?" He approached Haven with a british accent. For a white teen in Virginia, he was very good at sounding English.
"This must stay between us, Daniel," his mother was in a British accent now, too. This was their thing.
"Especially, madam," he grimaced in a sort of way that made his mother sigh. His face and body turned away from the flat-screen in his navy-blue and black room.
"Do you know this Henry Tylers, character?"
"I do, I do."
"Is he-"
"A perverted cunt?"
"Language, young man."
"He is, though."
"From what I've heard..." A tear dropped to Haven's knee, "he sure is one."
"What happened?"
"Happened? I'm not sure anything did, but we have to talk seriously, Danny. Karissa thinks he's nice... He taught her the words 'pubic hairs' and even swung her at his birthday party. Who does that? He's seventeen and at his own party, he swung an eight-year-old child. I'd understand it if he was closer to her like you, Danny, but this just isn't-"
"Did you tell dad this?"
"I'll have to, but I figured you'd know more, maybe, Dan."
Haven was possibly over-thinking this; she couldn't take a chance, though. This was something more than important to her; her kids were her life.
"I know he dated Zilly Yung. She's this really smart girl in my AP Anatomy class," he cleared his throat. This girl Zilly Yung went to Taggers Institution for two months after her and Henry dated. Taggers Institution was a mental hospital. Daniel knew this, but couldn't breathe a word of this to his mother. He was holding his lit-up blue XBOX One controller tighter than he'd done since his break-up with Alira Maddison, Zilly's best friend. "Mom, tell dad about it."
"I will." And she did that night. Her husband, Carson Andrews was infuriated simply by the thought of his daughter discovering anything about the male body. He was so protective of anyone he loved; he ran to Daniel around midnight when he couldn't sleep. It was summer; Daniel would stay up on his XBOX till all hours.
"We need to talk."
"What is it, dad? Everything okay?"
"Mom told me about this Henry kid."
"Yeah?"
"Yes, and I need to know one thing."
"Okay," Carson cleared his throat as he rolled his eyes, glaring at his son. "Yes, sir," that's what his dad liked to hear, his version of dominant respect.
"Is this kid capable of, in your honest opinion, of doing anything that will harm Karissa?"
Daniel sat there and thought with no doubt, that he was capable of hurting Karissa, and told his father the same assumption, but it was petrifying for Daniel. One more strike, and Henry was out of Carnell High and back in Hartz Juvenile Detention Center. That's where Alira was right now, and he knew the real reason Alira was there, too. Not the one the county wrote down in some record she had that would ruin her chances of ever getting a good job later on. Daniel was spacing out as his father intentionally avoided talking about Henry to antagonize him about how XBOX was not a life, and how a summer-job was going to happen whether Daniel liked it or not. Danny had aced this stare of briefly exhausting fear as he watched his father rage on about college being expensive, life-long debt, and wasting youthful years. He didn't respond to his father once; his dad got aroused by it for sometime. Luckily, that finally got old to him. He slammed the door and Danny continued playing Assassin's Creed. Comically, while he got back in on the action of the game, Veronica Martinez texted him: his current action. He picked up his cell-phone after sitting down the controller. After grabbing his car keys, he fled out his window, and walked off. He was on the bottom floor on a hill that rose behind his house. Getting out was easy as hell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there, WritingRose!
I must say this was very ominous yet funny in itself, what a great combination of contexts! I've never seen that being done before but wow!
It was a very mysterious yet funny start, that first section had me laughing so much! I can tell that this ominous and 'out of the ordinary' person is trouble, and I have the feeling that he and this Zilly person are partners in crime, so to speak.
Just a few points to work on;
Summer should be capitalized, because it is the name of a season.
Also, don't put a hyphon between after and all, as they are not one word.
But still, I think there is definitely something a bit weird and secretive going on with Danny too, yet what a start! A combo of contexts with a wide variety of mixed emotive techniques, which is really good, keep this up!
LordofLit101
Hi TheWritingRose!
I...
I don't know how to feel about this one. This was well written...
to a point.
It was captivating...
to a point.
It was provocative...
to a point.
Are you catching my drift?
Let me get a minor (and rather unimportant) point out of the way first.
I can't help but feel that this opening line is a bit pretentious. We can already tell what's happening, you don't need to use your fabulous high-dollar clothes wearing vocabulary to get across the thought. It's called "Show, don't tell" and just having the character saying "Mom!" was enough.
Done with that. Back to the actual thing that I want to talk about.
The thing that made me feel wrong about this story was how it became, unfocused, near the end. You see, for three quarters of the story you're talking about this sick pedo and then "This kid plays XBOX too much. Go get a job. Secret Girlfriend(?) woohoo! You should have just kept the viewpoint on the mom and the focus of the narrative about the psycho.
Other than that last bit it was an amazing story. Great job.
While I love your criticism, I have to disagree. Most of my favorite authors go on every now and then about stupid little things. I do take to point that I once edited out that opening that you are right about. Although writing without it, I feel like I'm losing that gripping, thought-provoking lock that I want. I like it. I do agree; it could be less bold and flabergasting to a point, but that's my style.
That's what I want.
Thank you! I don't disagree at all, but I like my flaws here...There's something special about them...
Also, I want the son to be described with wit and charisma, as best I can. I don't want to read dry details; I like emphasizing and making parts of a story glow. In my own way, adding those pointless overused explanations always mean something more than implied. When I say he plays video games a lot, in my own mind, he's a lonely character, and general life is either too boring or too much to intake. Describing this boy, adds life! Haha
I like that you critiqued this, though. I was hoping someone would; it can be annoying. Honestly is resilience !
Truly wonderful but just...there's too many words. You clearly have an extremely large vocabulary but take it easy.
"...the one single strand of parental name-calling that was intentionally authorized upon her prominent female blood relative..."
While this is a magnificent sentence, to say the least, it's unnecessarily wordy.
So my advice to you is this,
just take it easy
I shall 'just take it easy', thank you.
I believe having that sentence, has caught some attention. That's what I want for the story. It makes me think as I read it; I want it to make you think.
Ha
I'm glad you enjoyed!
Wow, I love how realistic it is. It's super cool and your "When in doubt, do it" sucked me in immediately!!! XD
YES!
I came up with that on my own :3