For Another

Ah, unrequited love.

Welcome to YWS! It's nice to see new faces around. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.

I remember writing so many poems about unrequited love when I was younger. It was usually because I was entangled in it myself. Your poem took me back to that time in my life. You have a topic that is easy to relate to.

That being said, there are a few areas in which you could improve your poem.

First of all, I'm not sure why you phrased the first lines of each of your stanzas in that way. While it's grammatically correct, it's awkward and doesn't really do anything for the poem. It was the first thing I noticed about your poem, and generally you don't want that first thing to be awkwardness. It would be fine if you said, "the girl is lonely,
wishing on dying stars."

The second line definitely creates an image that is connected by the tradition of wishing on a star. I think it's interesting how you turn it around, but I also think that the cliche of "wishing on a star" overshadows how you turn it around. A cliche is really just a metaphor that has been used so much that it loses its image. If I ask someone to "think outside the box," their mind jumps directly to "think differently" instead of an image of a box. There are plenty of other things to wish on that you could also turn around to make them unlucky. I suggest you change this so there is a stronger image there.

In fact, you should use stronger images all around. One good thing to keep in mind is to use each of the five sentences at least once. It might seem hard at first, but it's easy to get them in there by using metaphor and simile. You have "ache" and "pain" and I suppose the image of a star, but those aren't very specific. Make the reader feel what these people are feeling!

Another good way to get the audience to get into the poem is to make it more personal. Right now, you have archetypes, which are a good place to start. An archetype, as I'm using the term here, is a recurring symbol throughout literature. The boy and the girl. Flesh them out. Make them into real people! You don't necessarily have to use names, but give them characteristics and a story. It's possible to do in poetry, even in a poem this short. Does the girl think about the other boy at all? Are they friends? Or is this boy in unrequited love a stranger to her? Fill out the gaps a little more. Here, you just tell us what happened.

for the boy whose heart
beats for another.

for the brown-eyed boy
gazing at another.

Hey there!

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
― Dr. Seuss

Welcome to YWS! Words are powerful when they are profound,Words are weak when they are undulated. I really liked your short poem made up of two quatrains, One can see the whole teen platitude in a few lines.

# "Lonely","Hopeful" are the quintessences here, And they are used perfectly.

# In this allegory, Elements of love can be felt or in some cases are experienced by the readers, Thus making the poem more congenial.

It was epic and succinct, I don't think I can place any criticisms on this work. I'am waiting for your next work. Keep writing!