Published August 29, 2008
Discrimination.
Why can’t you understand that we most live hand in hand?
Why is it that you hate?
How does that do any good to our fate?
Why must there be an obstacle preventing us from being equal?
Why can’t you see that we’re all human?
Why do you treat others as if they’re all a cretin?
I am tried of all the insolence lead by your grandiloquence.
It’s time you learn respect which others suspect.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
NEVER EVER beg people to review your work! it draws people away from it, and wont let them read the masterpiece.....okay.. to the critique.. your rhyming is way off.. the rhymes seemed forced and they are not equil... if you rhyme two lines in a poem, you have to rhyme the rest as well..
Sorry if i seemed a little hard.. im just in a nit-picky mood...
First line: That doesn't seem to make much sense, maybe it's just me.
This is good, but I find that your narrative voice falters at points. I think you need to work a little on consistency, like for example some lines are short and to the point, while others are quite decorative. I think you need to choose one or the other, the direct approach, or the scenic route, not to be overly metaphoric or anything.
The other thing is, every line is a question, until the last two, where it suddenly stops, which is a bit unsettling. I would advise transitioning a bit easier if you want to do this, since it seems the narrator is in doubt, until suddenly...BAM...he/she has got it all figured out. Perhaps make it so that whoever is speaking begins to relize his assuredness slowly, instead of just walking into it like a brick wall.
That's all I guess, good luck with this. I hope this made a bit of sense. (:
Hi! I noticed you didn't have any reviews yet so thought I'd leave my thoughts.
I felt like there were two problems with this poem, the first of which is easy to fix - rhyming. Lines three and four rhyme, along with six and seven, then there are internal rhymes in lines eight and nine. However, the entire poem doesn't actually have a rhyme scheme, so these seem a bit random and disturb the flow. To fix it, you can either take them out, or make the rest rhyme.
The other problem requires much more work - structure. Six out of nine lines are questions. They can be effective when used sparingly, but this is basically a list of questions with no expansion. The poem just doesn't approach the subject in an original enough way. Why not use the 'hand in hand' idea and expand on that? Or an extended metaphor? The questions just aren't engaging enough.
I hope this helps!