Hola, thetejmahal! Pompadour here to review this lovely piece for you today!
I like how you started out with a statement. Snappish. Your narrative voice is pretty strong and clear-sounding as a whole, and the main character sounds like an interesting person. Blunt, precise and clever. I like her. She knows what she wants and how to get it. For a first chapter, you managed to give us a gist of what to except from her, as well as some of her more prevalent characteristics. Sarcasm, check. Daring, check. Brevity, check.
Well... maybe there's a little too much sparseness, where character development is concerned. A lot of Alex's actions seem a bit unemotional, and I think you could use a bit more thought. I got the impression that your writing was pretty bold, and I really liked that, but I want a little more to chew on. Some thought, some opinion--prod a little deeper with this and see what you can do!
Speaking of sparseness, that brings me to my next point: background. While you dived straight into the plot and got the train moving, I feel like there's not enough of story. Plot and story are two different things, and the difference between them is often quite vague and indiscernible; that's okay if you don't know about it. Many professional writers don't, and I didn't know it until around three weeks ago. Anywhoo: plot is the action. It tells us what's happening, the physical aspects of your main character's journey, events, whatever. The story is the reaction to these happenings; it delves into how your character feels about these events, and how he/she reacts to them. Basically, it's kinda like cause and effect. But the story is an emotional journey. Plot is physical.
Now that I've rambled on about the plot/story thingy enough, one thing I would have liked to see in this, as a reader, is a greater insight into Alex's mind. First-person is a wonder to write with; there's so much you can do! I, personally, find it rather difficult, seeing as it's like pinning internal monologue to paper, but I think you can handle it. You're brief in what you have to say, yeah, but there are certain questions you'll have to ask yourself as you write. Moreover, you'll have to be delivering them in snippets or through subtle descriptions/thought/dialogue, otherwise you might reach that dreaded point in your novel where you realize that there's so much your reader needs to know, and all that info might accumulate as a brick-load of info-dump. Trust me when I say info-dumps create a ton of hassle, both for the writer and the reader.
Some thoughts I had while reading this:
1] Okay, so I get that Alex is a big-time teenage criminal, and then you tell us that she's working for someone ... some kind of organization? I think you were a little vague on that subject. What is this organization? How long has Alex been working for them? How well does Alexa know these people? Who is Donovan, anyway?
2] Alex mentions her 'career', and I really want to know a little bit about it. I'm not saying you have to tell your readers everything. It's just--more info please. Just a little foundation for us to work on other than plain ol' happenings. Chase and Mr Donovan could use some fleshing out, too. I can't really relate to them, nor can I understand why Alex takes an instant dislike to him. She says he's annoying--how so? Justify her actions. Make sure there is cause to the effect. (She talks about him being a newbie, someone to be babysat, but there has to be more than just that transparent reason, right?).
3] Alex mentions her parents. It's very quick, and I can only suppose you're going to elaborate more on that as the story moves forward, but I can't see Alex's response all that well to what the man said. Again, a few sentences here, a little back-up there... Give us something to work with. I want to get attached to Alex and feel for her. I want to think of her as three-dimensional instead of a cardboard cut-out. You know you can do it! I've mentioned this before, and you have a strong, precise way of writing. It's appealing. I wouldn't be reviewing this and pricking and poking at it if I didn't feel it had potential. But it does, and a lot of it at that.
4] The reasoning for Chase accompanying Alex is a bit flimsy. Ze goose needs more stuffing.
I like your writing style. It's simplistic, yet it's a block of iron being hurled your way that you manage to catch. The blow hits you hard, but you're interested. You have a good handle on moving the story forward, and your writing flows really well. I caught a hint of cliché in this chapter, when Alex 'disguises' herself with sunglasses and a baseball hat; I think you could come up with something better there, if she really is a professional.
Technical-wise, you switch to past-tense a couple of times in the first half of the chapter, while the rest of it you've written in present tense; e.g.:
I fingered a lock of my chocolate brown hair
I clicked off the screen, ...
Besides that, you're mostly good.
Overall, this was lovely, and I enjoyed reading it. Your dialogue is great, your pacing a little fast, but that's nothing that won't solve itself as you write on. I've always found that pacing settles itself, mostly, by the third/fourth chapter. Besides, you write in a very natural-sounding way, and it's ... interesting. Kinda refreshing. Also simplistic. Anywhoo, I'm interested to see where you carry on from here, and the idea is interesting as a whole.
Keep writing! Keep up the brill work! Tell me when you update~
Hope this helped.
~Pomp
I also liked the fact that you have them on two separate lines. Each giving its own little impact on the reader's brain.
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
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