Hunted Chapter One

Hi there!

So your prologue is interesting. Really. My only quip is that right now, it seems more like a plot starter than a prologue. And if you really need a prologue, then this needs more substance. It's a couple of sentences 'telling' us things. I want you to 'show' us some more things. And don't tell us us that 'this is her story' or something along those lines. The reader will eventually figure.

Starting with someone getting up is usually not a very good idea. (Someone on YWS once gave me this very great piece of advice.)

Your descriptions of Daymien and Alex are very physical. Try to show us more things about her, subtly. Show us her little nuances and her emotions/the way she perceives things.

An unknown twin/mom's twin is an overused idea. I'm not saying don't do it. Just be sure it doesn't become cliched.

As to the end, good cliffhanger. But two unknown people in one chapter? Not good. It seems like you want to fast forward to the action which is fine if it's a short story. For a novel, take time building your characters and their relationships.

Hope to've helped. ^^
Cheers,
~Lava

Hey Storygirl,
The story was nice. It has a good main character. I looked up both Boothbay Harbor and Portland. You've chosen very beautiful settings.

thestorygirl wrote:In 1996 ten babies apeared outside of Boothbay Harbor, Maine.
To be strictly grammatically correct, You need a comma after the prepositional phrase, so after 1996. As an author, you can omit the comma here, but any prepositional phrase longer than three words or a prepositional phrase that links to another needs to be seperated from the rest of the sentence by a comma. You need a p in appeared. It happens to me all the time.

When a hiker found them four were dead.
Because you're describing when four of them were dead you put a comma after them. You need an of after them.

So the hiker took five living babies to the police station, then buried four other.
You can keep the so there, but I don't like it. I don't think it sounds right. The second part of the sentence would sound better to me, if you said the buried the four others.

But there is one exception.
I liked the twist before this. One exception to what?
I don't know if you meant it to be like this, but I like how it sounds like a formal document... kind of.

Sadly I couldn't reach the clock.
You're describing the action, so a comma goes after sadly.

So slowly I got up and blearily opened my eyes.
This is really nitpicky, but I think it sounds better without the so and if the slowly goes after the I.

My room was an absolute mess. I was going to kill Daymien for wrecking my room.
I thought this was random and didn't fit with the rest of the story. That, however, is just my opinion.

This summer was very warm so I could wear a tanktop without Cara getting frustrated with me.
I looked up average summer temperatures in Maine, because when I think of Maine, I think of freezing. I'm not sure what to make of it because you have pretty balmy average temperatures but extreme, 103 degrees record highs. In the same month there's a record low of forty degrees. You're probably right. I've never been to Maine. I just wanted to make sure your facts were correct.

Cara was my adopted mother.
You can keep calling her Cara, but if Cara has had her since she was a baby, wouldn't Alexandria just call her mom?

"Hey Exandria.
Because he's adressing her you would put a comma after hey.

Today we walk the dog in the park, then we just walk aimlessly around the city until Cara calls you and I walk you home,"
Here, you can put the comma after today or you don't have to. It's the author's choice. I thought you'd like to know there was one.
I'm not sure if this is correct, but it makes sense to me to put commas around until Cara calls you, because it confuses the reader without them.

"Yes, Daymien. But there is one thing different with your story then there is with mine, you should know this.
You need a period where the second comma is. It's a run-on sentence.

Since you wrecked my room you will clean it while I take the dog for a walk around the park.
You're explaining why he'll be cleaning your room, so you need a comma after room.

If you try to leave I will set Clarion on you," when I said this he gave a fake shudder.
First, you need a comma after leave, because you're setting up the circumstances where you'll set Clarion on Daymien. You can only have a comma after the quote when you say afterwards she said, exclaimed, laughed, etc. Here you would put a period and continue on with another sentence.

It was an unusually warm day and I was loving it.
You have two complete setences, here, to create a compound sentence. Because of this, you have to put a comma before the and. So you'll be able to catch it next time, that rule applies to any conjunction, for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so.
There is one thing about this rule that depends on interpretation. If you have a sentence like, I like dogs and I like cats. You can omit the comma or include it. It's your choice. Just make sure you do it everytime.

In the shadows of the house, I swore I saw something move, but I dismissed it and walked toward Lincoln Park.
In this sentence, you have two prepositional phrases starting the sentence so you would have to put a comma after house.

I decided to stay there some more time and relish the warm air.
Some more time doesn't sound right. I think you sould replace it with longer.

I sat leash in one hand, my other hand clenched on the cellphone given to me by Cara.
I'm not sure about the rule behind this, but you need a comma after sat.

I just looked at the trees and the dogs strutting around the park with their leash off and their eyes wide open.
Everything has to parallel to the other nouns. You have dogs, so you need leashes.

Always at Thanksgiving and Hannakkuh we ate with her friends.
I think you need a comma after always and after Hannakkuh. That could be wrong. I don't think it is.

"Well, Cara and I aren't exactly... on good terms. That's as nice as I can put it with out lying."
Without is one word.

Daymien was sitting on my couch watching some ridiculous soap opera that we used to spend hours making fun of.
So, when you had ing to a verb it sometimes becomes an adjective, unless, of course, the sentence is she is running or something along those lines. Because of this you need a comma before watching.