You try and try,
But in the end all you can do is cry.
Sometimes things aren’t meant to be,
Yet sometimes it’s not so easy to see.
Quitters never win,
And winners never quit,
But in the end that’s only the half of it.
You tried so hard but it wasn’t enough.
You realize that your hopes were just a bluff.
The rain pours down like your tears,
But the only things that comes to life are your fears.
You watch the people hurry by,
Through your clouded and tear filled eyes.
Tear drops mix with the rain.
The only thing you have left is pain.
You cry and cry,
As time slowly passes by.
You put your heart and dreams out there,
But people don’t seem to care.
They stomp them into the ground.
You hate the quick glances you get from the people around.
None of them seem to understand.
All you want is the help of a friendly hand.
You want to be hugged and loved.
But all you get are ice cold rain drops from above.
Then the clouds open up and the rain is gone.
Both hint that it’s time to move on.
(this is probably not so good but i wanted to put something up today that was about how i felt today)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Well glad to see ya're listening to us. Okay, I agree it bored me after a few lines, poetry should show. You choose a rather weak word choice and even though limited grammar can work, here it has a horrible effect. Navelgazing weakens a poem and reduces our interest as it doesn't try and relate us, but instead pushes us away.
Overall: Scrap this poem, and instead when writing, avoid rhyming altogether and concentrate on showing the meaning. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
Thanks guys. ^^ The advice really helps. I'm not sure if I'll go back and fix the whole immature rhyming thing because this poem is sorta boring to me at this point. I rather use your advice and start a new poem than try to rewrite this one. I really like people telling how to make it better. Thanks!
Nice poem. I love the rhyming. Keep up the good work for me okay? I thought this was really good. My favoriet from you so far. keep working!
thestarseye -
Rhyming poetry is difficult to write. It's not necessarily hard to come up with words that rhyme, but rather, it's difficult to produce something that's not laughable. This isn't laughable by any stretch, but the problem with this is that for me - and many other people - reading rhyming poetry is like sitting in a third grade desk with something by Shel Sylverstein shoved in front of us and wondering inwardly whether or not there really isn't a word that rhymes with orange.
Shmorange?
Flolorange?
Really though, the trouble with rhyming poetry is that it nearly always comes off as immature. It comes off as Mother Goose. And in this case, it's coupled with the fact that there is hardly a trace of any worthwhile imagery. What's more, you've chosen a boring topic and elaborated on it in average language. I'm sure this has huge emotional meaning to you, but that emotion deflates under the weight of the rhyming couplets and banal word choice. The key to good rhyming poetry is reading good rhyming poetry. I would recommend Ars Poetica or practically anything by Robert Frost.
Also, in places your meter is off. I'll go ahead and point out/edit the lines that are suffering from an inbalanced meter:
Happy editing!
-Kylan
WOW! THis was really great. I'm not very good at poetry, so I won't tell you what to do. other than the fact that I loved this ^_^
Keep it up!
I think this is great-- and It's exactly how I felt today. After reading it I felt sort of better...however there are some issues which need to be raised.
Aswell as grammatical errors there are typos.
The rythmn scheme both makes and breaks the piece. Maybe use every other line for a rhyme? I'm not sure.
Other than that I can't find anything else. I liked it though.
Eimear
The problem with having a poem completely rhyming and more so in rhyming couplets is that you are often forced to forsake meaning in the search for something that rhymes.
What you have here in the opening are to sets of couplets rhyming "ry" and the long "e" sound which seem somewhat limiting in terms of other lines. They aren't bad rhymes but I feel that what you're trying to get across is somewhat dominated by what rhymes and what doesn't.
You have strength of the emotion behind what you're trying to convey but what comes across is the fact that you're simply in this poem telling us about feeling without giving an adequate circumstance that would evoke such a feeling. Anger and pain because of lies; yes that is entirely possible - but what sort of lies are they, what is the scale? Presumably not a white lie, but some indication and expansion upon that would make it so much easier for the reader to feel that emotion and become involved.
A personal point. I'm a believer that rhythm doesn't need rhyme but that, it most cases, rhyme needs rhythm (there are always exceptions). When you take a poem that is wholly conceived through rhymes, well I believe some sort of rhythm is essential. So consider it - it doesn't need to be the sort of rhythm that is all encompassing and stifling - something rough would help.
I think you have the emotion you just need a better way of conveying it.
[quote="thestarseye"]You tried so hard but it wasn’t enough
You relies that your hopes were just a bluff
[quote]
This should be changed. I wasn't sure how because this was confusing...
I thought this was quite interesting. I'm guessing your having a bad day?...
Well hope tommorow you have a great, happy day. Happy Friday tommorow! (that's what it will be here anyways...)
Wow! That was wonderful!
I agree. There needs to be more punctuation.
This was really good though! Extremely so! It was really powerful and moving! I loved the ending. Keep up the good work.
Jamie
Hey, it was good but I did see some mistakes.
You relies that your hopes were just a bluff
It's realize.
There was that and you need to use more puntuation. You have a couple commas and a few question marks; add some periods and other puntuation.
Over all this is a good poem just needed a bit of polishing. Great job.
~Rachael