Young Writers Society

Well glad to see ya're listening to us. Okay, I agree it bored me after a few lines, poetry should show. You choose a rather weak word choice and even though limited grammar can work, here it has a horrible effect. Navelgazing weakens a poem and reduces our interest as it doesn't try and relate us, but instead pushes us away.

Overall: Scrap this poem, and instead when writing, avoid rhyming altogether and concentrate on showing the meaning. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

Thanks guys. ^^ The advice really helps. I'm not sure if I'll go back and fix the whole immature rhyming thing because this poem is sorta boring to me at this point. I rather use your advice and start a new poem than try to rewrite this one. I really like people telling how to make it better. Thanks!

Nice poem. I love the rhyming. Keep up the good work for me okay? I thought this was really good. My favoriet from you so far. keep working!

thestarseye -

Rhyming poetry is difficult to write. It's not necessarily hard to come up with words that rhyme, but rather, it's difficult to produce something that's not laughable. This isn't laughable by any stretch, but the problem with this is that for me - and many other people - reading rhyming poetry is like sitting in a third grade desk with something by Shel Sylverstein shoved in front of us and wondering inwardly whether or not there really isn't a word that rhymes with orange.

Shmorange?

Flolorange?

Really though, the trouble with rhyming poetry is that it nearly always comes off as immature. It comes off as Mother Goose. And in this case, it's coupled with the fact that there is hardly a trace of any worthwhile imagery. What's more, you've chosen a boring topic and elaborated on it in average language. I'm sure this has huge emotional meaning to you, but that emotion deflates under the weight of the rhyming couplets and banal word choice. The key to good rhyming poetry is reading good rhyming poetry. I would recommend Ars Poetica or practically anything by Robert Frost.

Also, in places your meter is off. I'll go ahead and point out/edit the lines that are suffering from an inbalanced meter:

thestarseye wrote:You try and try, <--
But in the end all you can do is cry.

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be,
Yet sometimes it’s not so easy to see.

(awkward repetition)

Quitters never win,
And winners never quit,
But in the end that’s only the half of it.

You tried so hard but it wasn’t enough.
You realize that your hopes were just a bluff.

The rain pours down like your tears, <--
But the only things that comes to life are your fears.

You watch the people hurry by,
Through your clouded and tear filled eyes.

Tear drops mix with rain.
The only thing you've left is pain.

You cry and cry,
As time slowly passes by.
How did you believe all the lies?

(awkward stanza)

You put your heart and dreams out there,
But people don’t seem to care.

They stomp them into the ground.
You hate the quick glances you get from the people around. <--

None of them seem to understand.
All you want is the help of a friendly hand.

You want to be hugged and loved.
But all you get are ice cold rain drops from above.

(This is a brilliant line ^)

Then the clouds open up and the rain is gone.
Both hint that it’s time to move on.

(this is probably not so good but i wanted to put something up today that was about how i felt today)

WOW! THis was really great. I'm not very good at poetry, so I won't tell you what to do. other than the fact that I loved this ^_^





Keep it up!

I think this is great-- and It's exactly how I felt today. After reading it I felt sort of better...however there are some issues which need to be raised.

Aswell as grammatical errors there are typos.

The rythmn scheme both makes and breaks the piece. Maybe use every other line for a rhyme? I'm not sure.

Other than that I can't find anything else. I liked it though.

Eimear

The problem with having a poem completely rhyming and more so in rhyming couplets is that you are often forced to forsake meaning in the search for something that rhymes.

You try and try,
But in the end all you can do is cry.

Sometimes things aren’t meant to be,
Yet sometimes it’s not so easy to see.

[quote="thestarseye"]You tried so hard but it wasn’t enough
You relies that your hopes were just a bluff
[quote]

This should be changed. I wasn't sure how because this was confusing...

I thought this was quite interesting. I'm guessing your having a bad day?...

Well hope tommorow you have a great, happy day. Happy Friday tommorow! (that's what it will be here anyways...)

Wow! That was wonderful!

I agree. There needs to be more punctuation.

This was really good though! Extremely so! It was really powerful and moving! I loved the ending. Keep up the good work.

Jamie

Hey, it was good but I did see some mistakes.

You relies that your hopes were just a bluff

It's realize.

There was that and you need to use more puntuation. You have a couple commas and a few question marks; add some periods and other puntuation.

Over all this is a good poem just needed a bit of polishing. Great job.

~Rachael