Singing Chicken
Her name was Terry, she was a chicken.
She would go on picking
Then would go sing
But on hearing a ping
She would sing as the clock was ticking
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hi there! Love to see chicken poetry on YWS~
I wonder if the name has any connection to the narrative? or was it just random? I like it when everything in a poem weaves together in some way, and maybe this has something to do with it. If it's just random, that makes sense. I would wish that it did mean something though because I'm a sucker for deep meanings and blah blah.
Like the other reviewer said, where does this pinging come from? You kind of jump between ideas in this, and that is understandable because the poem is quite short, but I do think that makes it way too complicated. There is a chicken, she does normal chicken things because she is a chicken, and then there's a ping? The timeline doesn't really make sense together, so maybe rethink the pacing that's happening here.
This is another example of what I mentioned above. The singing connects well with her being a chicken and all. The clock just happened to stumble into what happened. I get it's to create a sense of "ooh that's so random and it's funny," but it not really random in a poetic way. It's just random. It doesn't make sense with what you've provided in the previous stanza and it's going to make people ask questions about the poem.
And that's it. Happy RevMo!
-- chi
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem about a chicken named Terry who likes to sing. You certainly caught and held my attention as a reader by providing a scene that raises many questions. What is the chicken picking? Is it a musical instrument? What is she picking it with-her beak? Did you mean pecking instead? What is that mysterious pinging sound and why does she shift from picking to singing? What is she singing about? Is it happy song? A sad song?
Where is she at? A cage? A barn? A meadow?
Suggestions
Not sure if I should imagine her pecking instead of picking a stringed musical instrument. So a little more clarity on that would be nice. Since chickens have wings instead of arms that is very hard to imagine. So pecking is better.
Some clarity in relation to that "ping" would nice.
In short, I feel as if the poem should be expanded because it provides just the outline of something that is going on but is impossible to imagine because it is too vague.
But the poem itself is interesting by raising such questions. However, it didn't make me laugh. Just felt curious.
Looking forward to reading more of your poems.
This is going to be a short review
That one made me laugh. I have a few suggestions:
Ha ha, nice
1. The rhythm and structure of the first and seconds lines doesn't quite fit. Here are some
alternatives:
"Her name was Terry, she was a chicken"
"Once upon a time there was Terry, a chicken"
"Terry would go on a-picking"
2. The third line doesn't make much sense. Suggestion:
"But upon hearing a ping"
3. Add some punctuation-at least a period at the end.
Hope This Helps!
-Quinine
Thank you for the alternatives, I will try to use them.
Lol. I just love this chicken already. I like the fact that this is a short poem. You know why? Because believe it or not it is harder to write short poems than long ones because you have to stuff it with meaning without bursting the seams. The funny is here, so don't worry about that. My only qualm is substance. Add a bit more of that and Terry won't feel incomplete.
Haha funny
Just a short review:
This is good! It's a lighthearted and funny poem. The fourth line is a little iffy. Did the chicken make the ping? I really like your poem, keep writing them!
Thank you for this advice. I will try to improve on this.