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Singing Chicken

by thesockpuppet


Singing Chicken

Her name was Terry, she was a chicken. 
She would go on picking
Then would go sing
But on hearing  a ping

She would sing as the clock was ticking


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Sat Jul 07, 2018 3:53 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about a chicken named Terry who likes to sing. You certainly caught and held my attention as a reader by providing a scene that raises many questions. What is the chicken picking? Is it a musical instrument? What is she picking it with-her beak? Did you mean pecking instead? What is that mysterious pinging sound and why does she shift from picking to singing? What is she singing about? Is it happy song? A sad song?
Where is she at? A cage? A barn? A meadow?


Suggestions

Not sure if I should imagine her pecking instead of picking a stringed musical instrument. So a little more clarity on that would be nice. Since chickens have wings instead of arms that is very hard to imagine. So pecking is better.

Some clarity in relation to that "ping" would nice.
In short, I feel as if the poem should be expanded because it provides just the outline of something that is going on but is impossible to imagine because it is too vague.

But the poem itself is interesting by raising such questions. However, it didn't make me laugh. Just felt curious.

Looking forward to reading more of your poems.




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Tue May 15, 2018 2:29 pm
Quinine wrote a review...



This is going to be a short review :)

Ha ha, nice :D That one made me laugh. I have a few suggestions:
1. The rhythm and structure of the first and seconds lines doesn't quite fit. Here are some
alternatives:
"Her name was Terry, she was a chicken"
"Once upon a time there was Terry, a chicken"
"Terry would go on a-picking"
2. The third line doesn't make much sense. Suggestion:
"But upon hearing a ping"
3. Add some punctuation-at least a period at the end.

Hope This Helps!
-Quinine






Thank you for the alternatives, I will try to use them.



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Tue May 15, 2018 9:25 am
Jevan13 wrote a review...



Lol. I just love this chicken already. I like the fact that this is a short poem. You know why? Because believe it or not it is harder to write short poems than long ones because you have to stuff it with meaning without bursting the seams. The funny is here, so don't worry about that. My only qualm is substance. Add a bit more of that and Terry won't feel incomplete. :)




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Tue May 15, 2018 12:15 am
SnowGhost says...



Haha funny :)




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Mon May 14, 2018 11:04 pm
Banana25 says...



Just a short review:

This is good! It's a lighthearted and funny poem. The fourth line is a little iffy. Did the chicken make the ping? I really like your poem, keep writing them!






Thank you for this advice. I will try to improve on this.




I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings