Published November 24, 2011
If I could find the brightest morning,
I would keep it in a bottle
So maybe someday I could inject it
Into my bloodstream.
Let it pump my heart like sound waves
And shake my bones as bass lines.
Crystalize my irises and bathe me
From the knot in my neck tie
To the tip of my cane.
I would pour it on like shoe shine
So my footsteps would sound right
And seem to float and dance like driftwood.
If I could find the brightest morning
It would be my nitro-glycerin
It would flash like
Burning bursting birthing stars.
I would catch in my palms
Then throw it in the air and pretend it's July.
If I could find the brightest morning
I'd forget it, then laugh, then cry.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,518 Reviews
Well, thank you both for the feedback. The proper punctuation is always an issue for me, I can never seem to get past those tricky commas. As far as the editing goes, again thanks. I'm thinking "vile" instead of "bottle." Thoughts?
Thers
thersites,
I like this a lot. Definitely a unique take. There's a musicality in this and the images here are captivating. I would agree with misstoria; proper punctuation can really address some flow issues. Especially here:
Commas are a must, my dear. Have them separate the adjectives.
There's something about the use of 'bottle' here that is jarring, particularly because with the subsequent lines, I want to imagine needles. A quick google search tells me a good replacement for bottle could be "barrel" ...? Just a suggestion.
The shaking bones is a bit confusing. I can sort of see what you mean if "bass lines" are supposed to represent music, but the line could use some clarity.
I love the conclusion here. For parallelism's sake, I'd leave out the "it".
That's all my nitpicks. This was such an enjoyable read, I'd love to see more from you
~ as always, Audy
I absolutely love this poem! This is a really unique poem and I love it.
One of my only suggestions is to work on punctuation. Commas and periods give your poetry flow and show the reader when to stop which is why it's important to put them in. When it comes to capitalizing every first word of a line you don't have to do it. Normal sentence structure still applies in poetry. Keep writing!