Published November 24, 2011
I sit with the colored people toward the back,
on seats that are way too busy
and smell of nicotine and cheap detergent.
I keep to myself and only make eye contact
with the people I don't sketch portraits of.
The couple behind me are mixed like I am.
He is a stream of bad grammar
paused only by a sip from his knock off soda.
She is dressed like 1988 with combat boots
and enough makeup to make her think she is still young.
Both sit like they've slept on a bad mattress,
the kind that consciously tries to press into your ribs
and that has been loosing thread for a decade.
But I know them.
I know that failing fading youth
that reflects as a memory on our skin.
I know that cheap snug denim they wear.
I'm stained with it
as I watch the same strollers they watch,
and smell of the same "fucking cheap" cologne
that she complains about.
A wide eyed baby, in a Toy-Story stroller,
sits fascinated with my pen.
He reads it and knows that the teenager pushing him
will soon grow to look like 2011.
And that she'll get stuck in this far too busy place,
until a bell rings and all our stops come.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I love it. The dejected, underlying feeling of sadness and hopelessness is subtle yet so obvious. I'm very new to the world of poetry, but I can say I agree with the poster above me that it reads more like (beautifully written) prose. I kind of love your title, 79, as one poster said, more than the one you have now. I think you should keep that kind of mysterious and yet glossy title to disguise the depth of the poem and create kind of an irony about it. Like, when people see such a vague title as 79, they won't be expecting to read a poem that packs such a punch like this one, and it'll create even more impact. You could change the title to something like, "The Stop," to clarify it more and yet add mystery.
Enough about the title! Haha. I guess I'm going on about the title because I can't find anything that is really wrong about the poem. I really do like it. I did get confused on that portrait line when I read it, and it didn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the poem.
Definitely a great read!
Thersites,
I'm back for more, and decidedly so. This was inspiring. The details that you've used to craft these images came together well, so when I got to the end about 2011 -- it was like I myself was sitting on that bus-- a profound experience. I'm impressed, and I don't say that often.
Since you've asked about the L-shape bus. I honestly can't picture what it is you're describing (an L-shape bus?) but I don't think it's important in the piece. I did read the detail about how the couple sat behind the speaker, and I was under the impression that the speaker would get side-glimpses back, or else watch through a reflected window, or something. Kind of added to the effect of this "observing" narrator. Maybe it's just me. *shrugs*
So. The nitpicks.
One thing that I would suggest since this is free verse, maybe play around with structure and line construction? I've noticed for example that the word at the start of every line is capitalized, and while there's nothing wrong with that (it's usually a preference thing) I actually think this poem can benefit by leaving the words un-capitalized. To me it just looks more professional and polished, and fits with the free-verse style. This is just a suggestion.
My next point are line breaks. There seems to be no particular reason for the line breaks - they are not bad breaks - they are quite natural. But they aren't good breaks either. The effect is that while I can get through this poem, and understand the flow of the piece - the first half of the poem read like prose with line breaks.
Experiment with your line breaks. Why break it off at people? You could've written the line:
"I sit with the colored people toward the back / on seats that are way too busy / "
It reads a lot smoother this way. A lot less choppy.
That last line "With....of" - start and end with a preposition? xD Weak. But the sentiments are strong. So make the line break strong.
You're going to end this line with 'only' ..? Weak. This is an example of what I mean. It reads like prose with line breaks inserted rather than a poem that makes use of its breaks.
Since I'm focusing on structure, it only starts to get good until this point:
Part of the reason is because the line breaks are much better in this set of lines. They have more impact. The breaks allow the reader time to reflect on these words, and that's what poetry is all about. It's an interactive experience.
Now, I know I am being picky - but it's the little things, you know? I believe this poem is strong, it has the capacity to resonate and really capture readers. If ever you have the time, I would go back and rethink these breaks, because you have the potential to create something powerful here.
Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions. Reviewers do not get notifications on the boards they review in, so if you'd like to thank a particular reviewer or respond to a particular question, it is best to post on their wall or PM them so that they can get it
~ as always, Audy
In response to the seating position, the back of the bus is sort of L shaped, so even though they were physically behind in terms of the bus I could still see them. How can I clarify this?
WOW! I really loved this poem. It covers all the senses and mentions a lot of topics of the times. I have some suggestions:
Ok, either write, or portraits, is the wrong word to use because you draw portraits and you use people to write about characters. I don't know which one you meant.This stanza is brilliant! The only thing I would change is the second line. Because how can you see the woman's makeup or how they sit from in the seat in front of them?
I liked the title. By 79, I thought you meant 1979. Is that right?
I loved the ending, it is such an amazing blast to the past. Thanks for sharing and never stop writing!
Yeah that's more of a working title. I'm still trying to find something decent for it
That was...There are no words to describe how sad that is. This is the saddest poem that I have ever read and it came close to making me cry. The only problem withit is the title. ''79'' is absolutly not the right title for this poem. Why not try something like "Outcast" or "Sad Travels"? They sound much more like this poem.