wind blowing through the windows

we created this wonderful poem in my writerfeedpad this napo! thank you to everyone who participated, I adore this poem--it's a testament to the art this community creates!!
if I left you out, please tell me!! i'm not sure if I can edit co-authors but I will make sure you get credit :D
if you were rozky...please tell me who you are XD your lines are so wonderful!! (lime green)
tags:
@elektra @Omni @rangerofithilien @WeepingWisteria @avimoon @eulogy @fatherfig @noperfectformula

Interesting. I think you’re all asking a central question here. What remains of the self after we’ve performed, remembered, been forgotten?

There's a delicate eeriness to the opening. I wonder if “willows” and “headspace” sit in the same tonal register. The first is pastoral and gentle, the second modern and abstract. It's something to consider whether that juxtaposition is intentional, or whether you want to pick something more cohesive. It’s theatrical and mythic. What if you let this mythological current run a little deeper in the first stanza? Could naming (say, “say my name”) be a kind of Orphic act, of trying to retrieve oneself from oblivion? Might be an angle to explore.

The second stanza of the poem becomes more performative, more self-aware. The narrator shifts from mythic witness to actor: walking from “stage to stage,” “stumbling from page to page.” That doubling of "stage/page" is clever. There's a fragility to these lines too, like the narrator is trying to keep up a performance but losing grip. However, it risks leaning into abstraction. I feel that even just one concrete line would help here, something to contrast the symbolic weight.

I do like the ending. The final six lines crescendo into something both weathered and defiant.

This poem has strong conceptual language, but at times, I get lost in the metaphor. I'd suggest you to revisit how the metaphors escalate, if you ever are to revisit this poem later. There are too many to sufficiently cover, especially later in the stanzas. It's mythopoetic, yes, but also deeply human in its desire to be remembered.

Promising, for sure.

HOLY MOLY!

This poem is magnificent. It feels like a group of people harmonizing into a despondent yet uplifting song. I love how every different piece effortlessly works off of one another. While I'm not a poet myself, this is just a testament to the great work you guys do over in the writerfeedpads!

Hello, My Friend!

Hi chem! Raven here to attempt a poetry review!

Okay, to everyone who contributed to this poem, you did absolutely A-MA-ZING! The imagery brought on by your respective analogies is just beautiful, and the theme feels so somber yet very real, it feels to me like a nod to our mortality and how so many of us are constantly asking, “am I doing the right thing?” or “am I enough?” Interesting to contemplate in hindsight.

Also, the simple fact that each line came together so well…I mean, you guys write more cohesive poetry as a group of 9 than I do by myself XD

*ahem* Anyway, as far as a technical review, I have no recommendations to give! You all have really made something special here <3

Okay, asking me to pick a favorite part of this is way too hard ToT But just a few of the lines that really hit hard for me were…

we’ll rattle the chains of the underworld
And call it a ballad

Each word a delicate piece,
Of a magnificent masterpiece

i carve myself into an end and a beginning
I will never be everlasting