Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Purse, phone, keys. I’ve got everything.
I don’t necessarily want to go to Willa’s rager, but she’s my best friend. I will not let her get drunk alone.
whr sre you, she texted fifteen minutes ago. She usually texts with perfect grammar and punctuation, and that’s how I knew. So I put on a dress and headed out. I’m halfway down the stairs now, heeled boots on and hair done, when the door opens and I’m left with a window into the evening landscape of Summerstead, North Carolina, which is mostly blocked by a silhouette of what can only be my brother, Grayson.
He’s loudly joking with someone else (probably one of his soccer teammates) so I take the quick opportunity to duck through and walk to my car. But then I see him.
Seth Freaking Warner.
My brother’s best friend, who happens to be the guy I almost kissed last summer. The mere sight of him sickens me. How dare he bring his blond hair and shy demeanor into our household again?
Oh, right, because my brother has horrible taste and keeps him around.
God, this is going to be so awkward. We left off last time with me nervously offering him lemonade in our kitchen. Right after we almost kissed.
“Hey, Shelb,” my brother shouts. “Where’re you going?” I roll my eyes.
“Willa’s party. Don’t tell Dad, okay?”
“You’re not getting away with that today, dearest sister. We have guests,” he chuckles and gestures to Seth. Gray might be an ass, but he’s right. We’re having the Warners over tonight, which completely went over my head when I got Willa’s text.
“Tell them I’m getting ready? Please? I just need to pick Willa up, she’s absolutely smashed. I know you’d do the same for…” I look at Seth, trying to sound as uncaring as I possibly can. “Steven?”
Seth lets out a quiet laugh and looks over at Grayson. They have a sort of telepathic bro code, which means I will get an equally bad burn from Gray in two seconds.
“Well, seeing as Seth doesn’t get drunk nearly as much as our dear Willa, I have no idea. Tell her to have some control, it’s only six o’clock.” I give him a sarcastic look and walk to my car, which is now inconveniently on the other side of the road, because my dads insisted I make room for the Warners.
Ugh. I do not want to go to that dinner.
I figure if I stall long enough with Willa I might get out of it. So I drive over to her giant house on the outskirts of town, where there are kids laying drunk on the lawn and she is sitting on the porch steps.
Crying. To a poor, sympathetic gay guy she barely knows.
I knew Willa was a theater kid, but she was never one for fake crying. She preferred getting just emotional enough to spark the audience to start crying, so this must be real.
“Willa! What happened?!” I run up to the porch to try and comfort her. I turn to the guy she’d been talking to and shooed him away. He blushed, got up, and walked back inside.
In between sobs, she explained what had happened. “Noah. Broke up. Me.” I roll my eyes, drag her upright, and hug her.
“Always knew he was an asshole, Willa, and so did you. Come on, your mom’s going to be home tomorrow. I’ll get everyone out of here.” I pulled her by the arm into her living room, which is surprisingly empty for a Willa party. “Huh, where is everyone?” She shrugs.
“Someone said something about the cops?” I immediately turn around with a fiery look on my face.
“The cops? God, Willa, get under control. Let’s go to my house, we’re having dinner with the Warners.” Her eyes light up.
Willa’s always had a soft spot for Seth. She’s known him since he moved here from Raleigh, and every time she happens to pass him at official events, she gushes about her crush. I’m guessing if I mentioned the “incident”, she would be heartbroken, which is one of the reasons I told no one. She gets in my passenger seat with bright eyes. “Did you know his mom’s having surgery in Richmond? She’ll be gone all summer, my dad had to hire someone else while she’s gone.” I roll my eyes. Classic Willa, only thinking about how things affect herself. I, for the record, think it sucks ass that his mom is sick. She’s been sweet to me whenever I see her. But I had no idea there was a surgery.
“Seriously? What’s he going to do, stay home alone? Go with her?” She shakes her head.
“Nope. He can’t stay home alone because he’s too young, but he can’t go because there’s nobody to take care of him there. My dad had the same question. His mom said she had it all figured out, not to worry.” I shake my head in disbelief. As far as I know, Seth doesn’t have any friends other than Grayson.
Grayson…
Nope. Not happening. Never.
As we park outside my house, I notice the Warners’ sedan in our driveway at last. The lights in our little dining room are on, and I can see the outline of Ms. Warner’s gaunt body and Grayson’s lean and athletic one. Willa starts to get out, but I pull her back in quickly.
“You look like a mess. Here.” I dab a bit of concealer on her dark eye spots and hand her a bottle of Gatorade. “Drink up, can’t let the parents know you’ve been under the influence.” After she’s done, we sneak around to the back door, which enters into the laundry room. We try to quietly walk up the stairs to my room, but she inevitably knocks into a laundry basket.
I hear my Dad’s voice drifting from the living room. “Shel? I know you haven’t been home.” We shamefully walk to the table.
“Hi, Dad…” I mumble. “Hey, Daddy.” They both look at me—Dad from above and Daddy from my height. “Sorry. Willa was in trouble.”
Dad shakes his head. “Of course. Miss Willa Robinson, have anything to say?”
“Yes! Shelby was only trying to protect me. I invited a few people over and it got a little crazy. Can I stay for dinner?” Willa bursts out.
Dad narrows his eyes at her. “You are welcome at the McKinney dinner table. This time.” He likes to act like he wouldn’t keep anyone around who asked, though he has a marshmallow heart and would never turn away a person who needed food. Besides, Willa’s been having dinner with us for the past two weeks while both her parents have been out of town. Her angel eyes make most everyone think she’s innocent (including my dads) but really she’s just been throwing ragers every night.
We sit down at the bench across from my dad and Ms. Warner. Her face has gotten thin, but you can tell how beautiful she is still. Her eyes are covered in copious amounts of concealer, and her thin lips are encased in magenta lipstick. She looks…sick. I didn’t realize how long it had been since I had seen her.
“Hi, Ms. Warner.” I extend my hand, and she weakly shakes it.
“Hi, my dear. How’s school?” She asks. Even after all these years, she’s still just as sweet.
“It’s good, thank you. We’re so glad to have you here,” I answer, like a good girl. I swear I can see Grayson smirk out of the corner of my eye. Seth is still quiet. Eventually, Daddy brings out his famous mac & cheese, and everyone makes it into the table. Even with Willa and the Warners, we have just enough room.
Dad clears his throat. “So. You might be wondering why there are so many people here today.” Daddy coughs. “Well, someone is not supposed to be here. Her name starts with W and ends in Robinson.” Dad nudges him.
Ms. Warner interrupts. “Greg, let me. As you might know, I’m going up to Richmond to get my tumor removed. Seth is staying with you all for the entire summer.” Seth, Grayson, Willa, and I all gasp.
Was not expecting that.
How will this work?
Will he stay in the guest room? Most probably.
Will he eat with us? Yes. Obviously.
I have so many questions but most of them seem obvious. My brain just wants to nitpick.
I don’t want Seth living with us. I give a pleading look to my parents. Dad shakes his head, and I know exactly what it means.
He needs us.
And I feel like a horrible person, because he definitely does. His entire extended family lives on the other side of the country, and I already can’t even imagine how much the surgery costs. It’s not like he can stay at a hotel for three months.
This is a lot. But I’m an actor. I’m used to feeling overwhelmed.
Grayson, on the other hand, is rejoicing. I see him fist-bump Seth, who seems just as surprised as the rest of us. I mean, they could have at least given him a warning. The poor boy is startled, and he’s the one who’ll be facing the most change.
“I thought I was coming with you?” he asks sheepishly. Ms. Warner shakes her head and grasps his hand.
“I’m sorry, hon. It didn’t work out in the end. At least you’ll get to stay with your best friend.” Seth nods, but I catch him sneak a glance at me. I know exactly what he’s thinking:
Yes, I’ll be with my best friend. I’ll also be with that creepy girl I almost kissed over a jug of lemonade.
I sigh. I’ll be out of the house most of the time, anyway. Hanging out with Willa at the ice-cream shop and being in my play. I won’t have any time to dwell on Seth staying with us.
Everything will be just fine.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hello, Chem! :> Today, I'll be reviewing this piece with the Review Monster! He may seem scary but don't worry, he's all bark and no bite.
The Glowing Eyes: First Impressions!
My first impressions of this piece was that it is a strong start to what appears to be a good story. The imagery and wording flows well together, the characters are all well-written and unique. The pacing was a little quick, but overall it was fine.
The Fluffy Fur: Things I Loved!
There were a lot of things I enjoyed about this piece and I think the characters were probably my absolute favorite. The way you wrote them gives each distinct personality, like Willa's perfect grammar and punctuation that dissolves into chaos when she's drunk or "the telepathic bro code" between Seth and Grayson which was a nice little touch.
Another thing I enjoyed was the dialogue! It flowed well and was easy to read, much like something you would hear in real life or something you would say yourself.
The Roar: Favorite Lines!
I had many, many favorite lines but here are some of my top ones.
Shelby not mentioning the incident to her best friend in order to spare her from her feelings is a nice touch.
She's an actor? I love that little characterization and insight in her personality.
The Sharp, Yellow Teeth: A Bit of Advice!
Unfortunately I have to get kind of nit picky here as there were no glaringly obvious mistakes. The first thing I spotted, which was brought up by ERMagdalen in their review, is:
which should be:
That's a very simple, easy fix though.
The second thing I noticed was in a few sections the sentences were very short and spaced out, making them choppy and disrupting the flow of the piece altogether. Something that could potentially fix this is putting the lines together, whether in a whole new sentence, or simply taking out the spacing in between them and having them be one paragraph as a whole. This, of course, is just a suggestion and in no way has to be implemented as it is completely up to you as the author.
Stomping Away: Closing Thoughts!
Well, time to take my leave. This was a lovely first chapter and I am excited to read (and hopefully review!) the rest of them whenever you choose to publish. The characters are interesting, I'm eager to see how the past affects Shelby's relationship with Willa, and Seth. Hope you have a great rest of your day/night!
Until the next review, your friendly neighborhood poltergeist,
Polt. ^^
(template credit to @/Avian)
(I wrote this over the entire day so I didn't get the chances to see the fixes before I published this haha)
Hi Poltergeist, thank you so much for the review! Your feedback was really helpful in writing the next chapter and I'm glad you liked it!
Greetings!
I have come to review this piece. I will be reviewing as I read so this review will be in chronological order.
Shall we begin?
All right.
I love your opening line. This signifies that the main character is in a hurry and needs to make sure she has everything she needs. This also opens on an instant question in the readers mind. Where is she going?
A quick note on this. Maybe italicize or put the first words in italics and or quotation marks so it's clear the character is thinking this.
Now this text. Perfecto! The typos are very accurate to texting and ordinarily would not trigger any type of thoughts other than a lazy best friend but the fact that the main character appears almost a bit concerned about this friend when she sees the typos instantly clues the reader into realizing that first of all the main character knows the character super well to know that and two, she is very faithful to this character evidenced by her rush and her statement about ensuring her friend is never drunk alone. The main character sounds responsible. I'm curious now.
Some thoughts on this part:
The change in tense rather threw me off a bit. You went from past to present to past again. Try keeping the tense consistent. But that aside, I'm gaining more perspective of this character. You included that she put on a dress and heeled boots-she clearly will not be looking like a mess today even if she is in a hurry.
Also quick point on your grammer. So the sentence starting with "which" is a fragment (meaning the sentence has no verb. Try just tagging that sentence onto the last part of the previous sentence, and you should be good.
Oooh she's got some negative feelings with this person!! (Also please rate this work 18+ for language ^^) Maybe consider putting that whole part in italics for emphasis and again to make it obvious that she's thinking that?
I cannot help but picture you having brothers, this is so accurate and the description done so well. A note though. You introduced a lot of characters here. Perhaps try breaking that up a bit. I got lost a bit because suddenly there were so many characters. Perhaps adding a few remarks about how each boy is unique would help separate them.
I already mentioned this, but try combining the sentence with "which" with the previous sentence.
ahh!! That's so pictureable! And the fact that you split up the sentence into parts really emphasizes the almost pathetic state of the main characters friend. Which brings me to my next point. This girl is clearly drunk but STILL this best friend cares for her and doesn't take down to her but is as supportive as if the girl were sober. Very faithful indeed and perhaps unaware of the effect the alcohol may have had on her friend?
I love the dialogue. You don't even use "with." It's obvious she's drunk. And apparently the main character is slightly annoyed it's this behavior.
I recommend putting she shakes her head with the same paragraph as what she says. It'll make the dialogue have a opening sentence so you know who is talking.
Lil mistake here.
this is so graphic and perfect!
Final quote:
there's a zero in there.
Okay here's my overall. Not too bad for a first chapter but I recommend going through and looking for some typos/fragments. I do think that you should decrease the number of characters you introduce or introduce them one by one. It got kind of confusing at times.
Hope this review helps!
-Kaia
Hi! Thank you so much Kaia, this was all so much wonderful advice. I've fixed the fragment errors (I wrote this chapter a while back and I'm sure that was a stylistic choice at the time but knowing what I know now it doesn't make sense) and I've given the work a higher rating. Thank you for all the positive feedback on the character development, creating deep characters is something I value a lot and I'm so happy it came across in my work. Overall, thank you for this review, I'm so grateful for all the feedback because it truly helped a lot!
I'm so glad to be of help!
Hello!
Willa’s rager- Interesting name!
Some of the sentences are short and choppy. I think the drunk scene where she witnessed when first seeing her friend could have been more descriptive and written smoother.
“Yes, I’ll be with my best friend. I’ll also be with that creepy girl I alm0st kissed over a jug of lemonade.”
It would be almost- an o and not a zero!
I found that everything moved really fast and I couldn’t fully grasp at first who each character was. Spending more time describing your scenery would be helpful. Is it light or dark? Is there a breeze? What does the breeze feel like on your skin?
I really enjoyed reading this. It definitely had a plot twist at the end! I’m sure you will do great with the next chapter!
Hi! This was helpful! I don't know if you're from the US, but a rager here is a messy teenage party with alcohol, so that's why it was called that
Thanks for pointing out my spelling mistake, too--I would not have noticed that.
Overall thank you so much for the review! I'm always trying to improve.
Oh thanks for pointing that out. I didn't know what that was either xD
Double post by accident