z

Young Writers Society


18+ Violence Mature Content

And Then You Became the Moon

by therichalder


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

Your gaze…left me speechless. Days past long ago, we used to hold hands and sing Frère Jacques. However, that was back when we both had our feet rooted to the ground.

Then you became the moon. And I became a star revolving around you. “We’ll always be together. Forever and ever.” Your words were so kind then. If only I had known they were false. It was only a matter of time until the star collapsed and sucked the moon inside.

You would always be my best friend. We had sworn in days long past that we would never leave each other. But yet…why was your skin so pale as you laid in that coffin? It was waxy and cold to the touch, your face frozen in a never-ending smile. Your eyes were so elegant, but I couldn’t see them shut in your peaceful sleep. You truly were the moon, translucent pale in its beautiful light. But it was too soon and I couldn’t accept that. As your star, I needed to have a moon to revolve around. So I just reset.

Your face was different the second time, but it was still as pale as before. Sunlight left it red and blistered after only a few minutes. But it didn’t matter. You were my moon and I was your star; we were destined to always be together. It was in the shady reprieve of the harsh sunlight that we sang Frère Jacques once more and made that fickle promise. Perhaps you didn’t remember, but I always would for you. I was prepared to shoulder that burden.

The second time you became the moon, it was a blood moon. The doctors said you felt no pain and it was quick. It wasn’t pretty though. In your careless orbit, you had somehow managed to get in the way of that speeding car. I had hurried behind you, but it was too late. Scarlet littered the ground, but you were still as pale and beautiful as ever. Indeed, you would always be timeless. But time had not been kind to me and I wasn’t willing to let you go. So for the second time, I just hit reset.

You swayed a lot the third time, bones snapping easily. You weren’t allowed to leave the house a lot, for fear of breaking. You were a sickly, porcelain doll. But yet, something about that petulant beauty still captured my heart.

The song played over and over again. Our song. Your voice was so pure when it wasn’t wracked with coughing. Yes, you were immaculate. You were so perfect that the world was out to get you and you had to stay inside. But even inside couldn’t save you from your eventual fate.

The cough had come in the night, slow and deliberate. You held my hand at your bedside, singing Frère Jacques as I cried. Red hair spilled down your shoulders, silken and messy. Your time had come. The hour was upon us swiftly for you to rasp out the last verses. Your pained shivering was so kind, for it helped me accept the beginning of the end. And so you became the moon for the third time. Your time had come, but I was far from done. So, once more, I hit reset.

The fourth time, my heart was beginning to tire. Your eyes were so beautiful, but yet they couldn’t see my face. Even so, your light never diminished. Your hands became nimble, picking out even the slightest of details. You didn’t need eyes with the skill you possessed.

I was your star. Even if you could no longer hear, I’d still guide you till the bitter end. As recognition of that kindness, you took my ambiguous love for you and placed it in your pocket. Everything was going right until it wasn’t.

If I had to call it something, I’d call it a blue moon. The snow frosted your whole body, skin turned blue. Even the dress you wore was a dark sapphire. If I had been paying closer attention, I would’ve noticed your absence. Perhaps it was selfish for me to wish to take your place. I’m not strong enough to support my own orbit. So for that self-sustainment, I hit reset.

Again and again, the clock spun. Every time you became the moon, you only grew in beauty. But every time you became the moon, you seemed to suffer more and more. Your voice became rusty before completely stopping. Your eyes refused to work, and eventually your ears shut down too. You were completely stuck in your own world, unable to communicate. “I’m right here,” I’d assure you, but you couldn’t acknowledge that.

Day by day, the tubes connected to your body increased. You laid on that hospital bed, still and unmoving. The only signs you lived were the beeping of the life support machine and the very slight rise of your chest. My heart was tiring watching you. How many times had I set back the clock? I couldn’t even count anymore. Stars may have long lifespans, but it was all but apparent mine was running short. Your face, as beautiful as it was, was always marred with pain and suffering. Was there a way out of this endless spiral? I can’t move. I can’t breathe. But at least I can see. That’s right. As long as I can be your star and see your beauty then it doesn’t matter what I feel.

And so the broken and gloomy me, in all her pathetic desperation, stood stock still and watched you slowly wither away. I could’ve reset, but what could possibly be worse than what’s already here? I was a failure as a friend and a star. I was a coward.

It was only until your end that I came to a conclusion. I wasn’t ready to let you go. Even after all that time, even after all those resets, I couldn’t bring myself to sink into an oblivion without you. So what if I went with you? Standing by your stuffy, fancy coffin, I knew what I had to do. Pulling out the knife, no one saw me until it was too late.

But I was triumphant. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see. But yet, I was more alive than I had ever been. There was nothing else to reset and no more times to sing Frère Jacques and dance around like the fools we were. There was just us, alone together in the rest of the universe. You had become a waning moon, and I had become a speck of dust on the outer corner.

And so, both the moon and the star disappeared, forever accepting oblivion. It was easier than being separated. Neither were strong enough to keep on living without the other. At least in oblivion, the moon was beautiful. She was so breathtakingly beautiful, even though there was only one other to see it. There were no more resets or tears. Simply oblivious glee. And it would always stay that way if they had anything to say about it.


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15 Reviews


Points: 159
Reviews: 15

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Tue Jul 25, 2017 11:09 pm
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jessegrey wrote a review...



Alright, I just love this. It's taken me a few times re-reading certain parts because I was just so in love with the way you wove the diction and told the story that I had to read it over again. I'm going to start with the title. I was completely ready just reading the title. Given the repetitious structure you went for, I think it was perfect to add the "and" part to the beginning of the title, and honestly, it made me want to read it even more because it made me feel like a cycle was beginning, just by the title.

The overall metaphor, the duo of the moon and the star, is gorgeous. I've never really thought about a relationship / friendship this way, and it's just spectacular. Every time there was a "different" moon explained, my soul was swooning. I loved that connection through the entire piece. Solid and simple, but just so effective.

So many certain word choices had me stopping and exclaiming, if I'm being real honest. "Shady reprieve", "careless orbit", and "sickly, porcelain doll" were probably some of my favorite things to read.

The repetitive resets. I kept looking forward to them. It tied me back in to the whole star metaphor, the star's involvement with the moon, every thing. It just was a wonderfully refreshing way to clear the life of the story and get ready for the next part. Beautifully well done.

My absolute only thing to comment on in a less praising light, was in the sentence, "Perhaps you didn't remember, but I always would for you." I think in this case, removing the "for you" from the sentence would help the flow a little bit.

This was such a joy to read! Thank you for writing it and I'll be on the look out for more artistry! Keep up the great work!




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Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:43 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there therichalder,
Myjaspercat her to leave you a review

Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks


For your Reference:
Overall Comments
Spelling/Grammar
Punctuation/Formatting


Your gaze…[remove ellipsis]left me speechless. Days past long ago, we used to hold hands and sing Frère Jacques. However, that was back when we both had our feet rooted to the ground. I like this opening. I find it oddly beautiful and serene.

Then you became the moon. And I became a star revolving around you. “We’ll always be together. Forever and ever.” Is this chunk of dialogue a memory? If so I think it would be best written in italics. Your words were so kind then. If only I had known they were false. If I were you, I would combine the previous two sentences together since they're both pretty short and related. It was only a matter of time until the star collapsed and sucked the moon inside. Love this image.

You would always be my best friend. We had sworn in days long past that we would never leave each other. But yet…[replace ellipsis with a comma] why was your skin so pale as you laid in that coffin? It was waxy and cold to the touch, your face frozen in a never-ending smile. Hmm, I wouldn't quite use 'waxy' to describe dead skin. But then again, it does oddly work. Your eyes were so elegant, but I couldn’t see them [because they were] shut in your peaceful sleep. You truly were the moon, translucent pale in its beautiful light. But it was too soon and I couldn’t accept that. As your [a] star, I needed to have a moon to revolve around. So I just reset. You use too many "but(s)" in this paragraph. Try to not become repetitive.

Your face was different the second time [around], but it was still [and] as pale as before. Sunlight [had] left it red and blistered after only a few minutes. But it didn’t matter. You were my moon and I was your star; we were destined to always be together. It was in the shady reprieve of the harsh sunlight that we sang Frère Jacques once more [again] and made that fickle promise. Perhaps you didn’t remember, but I always would for you. I was prepared to shoulder that burden.

The second time you became the moon, it was a blood moon. Didn't this 'you' already become the moon for a second time or are you still referring to the same 'you' as in the previous paragraph. The doctors said you felt no pain and it was quick. I would switch this sentence around to where the "felt no pain" comes after "it was quick." Like: "The doctors said it was quick and that you felt no pain." It wasn’t pretty though. In your careless orbit, you had somehow managed to get in the way of that speeding car. I had hurried behind you, but it was too late. Scarlet littered the ground, but you were still as pale and beautiful as ever. Indeed, you would always be timeless. But time had not been kind to me and I wasn’t willing to let you go. So for the second time, I just hit reset.

You swayed a lot the third time, bones snapping easily. You weren’t allowed to leave the house a lot,[remove comma] for fear of breaking. You were a sickly, porcelain doll. But Yet, something about that petulant beauty still captured my heart.

The song played over and over again. Our song. Your voice was so pure when it wasn’t wracked with coughing. Yes, you were immaculate. You were so perfect that the world was out to get you and you had to stay inside. This line is a little repetitive with what has been said before but I also don't know how to change it to make it less repetitive so I'll leave that task up to you. But even [staying] inside couldn’t save you from your eventual fate.

The cough had come in the night, slow and deliberate. You held my hand at your bedside, singing Frère Jacques as I cried. Red hair spilled down your shoulders, silken and messy. Your time had come. The hour was upon us swiftly for you to rasp out the last verses. Your pained shivering was so kind, [remove comma] for it helped me accept the beginning of the end. And so you became the moon for the [a] third time. Your time had come, but I was far from done. So, Once more [again] , I hit reset. In case you were wondering why I started to cross out more, it's because you're becoming a bit to repetitive in the way you say things and some of the things you are saying. You want to be careful how many times you say something because if you become to repetitive you'll make your readers bored and then they'll get turned off form your writing.

The fourth time, my heart was beginning to tire. Your eyes were so beautiful, but yet they couldn’t see my face. Even so, your light never diminished. Your hands became nimble, picking out even the slightest of details. You didn’t need eyes with the skill you possessed.

I was your star. Even if you could no longer hear, I’d still guide you till the bitter end. As recognition of that kindness, you took my ambiguous love for yourself and placed it in your pocket. Everything was going right until it wasn’t.

If I had to call it something, I’d call it a blue moon. The snow frosted your whole body, skin turned blue. Even the dress you wore was a dark sapphire. If I had been paying closer attention, I would’ve noticed your absence. Perhaps it was selfish for of me to wish to take your place. [remove period] [because] I’m not strong enough to support my own orbit. So for that self-sustainment, I hit reset. I like the image of this moon. It's still a little repetitive but beautiful.

Again and again, the clock spun. Every time you became the moon, you only grew in beauty. But every time you became the moon, you seemed to suffer more and more. Your voice became rusty before completely stopping. Your eyes refused to work, and eventually your ears shut down too. You were completely this may seem nit-picky but this is the second time you used the word 'completely' within a few sentences. Try to find different words to use. stuck in your own world, unable to communicate. “I’m right here,” Italicize the dialogue since it's not actually happening in the here and the now. I’d assure you, but you couldn’t acknowledge that.

Day by day, the tubes connected to your body increased. You laid on that hospital bed, still and unmoving. The only signs [that] you lived were the beeping of the life support machine and the very slight rise of your chest. My heart was tiring watching you. You already told your readers that your heart was beginning to tire so come up with a different way of expressing this idea. How many times had I set back the clock? I couldn’t even count anymore. Stars may have long lifespans, but it was all but apparent mine was running short. Your face, as beautiful as it was, was always marred with pain and suffering. Was there a way out of this endless spiral? I can’t move. I [comma] can’t breathe. But at least I can see. That’s right. As long as I can be your star and see your beauty then it doesn’t matter what I feel. The concept of your character starting to fade [as the star] seemed a bit rushed upon. I would work on that transition to make it a little smoother if I were you.

And so the broken and gloomy me, in all her pathetic desperation, stood stock still and watched you slowly wither away. I could’ve reset, but what could possibly be worse than what’s already here? I was a failure as a friend and a star. I was a coward. I wouldn't necessarily have your character call themselves a coward. I find it to be more cowardly to keep turning back time then to face the present and live through it.

It was only [wasn't] until your end that I came to a [the] conclusion [that] I wasn’t ready to let you go. Even after all that time, even after all those resets, I couldn’t bring myself to sink into an oblivion without you. So what if I went with you? Standing by your stuffy, fancy coffin, I knew what I had to do. Pulling out the knife, no one saw me until it was too late. Ok, that's a plot twist, a small one but still one. I think I like it, in a weird morbidly disturbed way.

But I was triumphant. Of course your character was triumphant, they already told us no one noticed till too late, so there's no need for this line. I couldn’t move. I [comma] couldn’t see. But yet,I'm getting a little tired of "but yet('s)" [However] I was more alive than I had ever been. There was nothing else to reset and no more times to sing Frère Jacques and dance around like the fools we were. There was just us, alone together in the rest of the universe. You had become a waning moon, and I [comma] had become a speck of dust on the outer corner.

And so, both the moon and the star disappeared, forever accepting oblivion. It was easier than being separated. Neither were strong enough to keep on living without the other. I wouldn't quite say that as it seemed more to be that the one couldn't live without the other. At least in oblivion, the moon was beautiful. She was so breathtakingly beautiful, even though there was only one other to see it. There were no more resets or tears. Simply oblivious glee. And it would always stay that way if they had anything to say about it.


Overall
Ok, for the most part this was a pretty sound story. I really liked it and I found it to be very beautiful. Like FairyLight said, I don't think this needs an 18+ rating. Yeah the content is a little darker then most, but you didn't really write it in a way that it seemed violent or mature as you marked. The piece overall was more depressingly beautiful. So yeah, I think it could go with a lower rating.

As well, you did tend to repeat the same ideas over and over again. While I knew why you were doing so, it still made it a little tedious to read. On the same note, I think it would benefit your piece a lot if you varied the sentence structure.

Other then that, I think that's all. If you have any questions please feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.




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Tue Jul 18, 2017 5:07 pm
EverStorm wrote a review...



Hi! FairyLight here to review your work!

You have a lot of repetition in this piece, and I think for the most part you executed it in a manner that was still interesting and just different enough to keep the reader's attention. You rated this 18+ but I really don't think it deserves that harsh of a rating. It has sad and bloody parts, for sure, but honestly it's calm enough to rate it something lower.

The way you compare her to the moon, but different moons, is beautiful. The blood moon creates vivid imagery and the blue moon causes emotion. What I'd like to see more of is the phases of the moon, and possibly the dark side of the moon. The moon has a lot to offer. Tides. Moonlight. There's a lot to it, and adding in some of the other ideas is great. How she goes from a full moon to a new moon?

One thing about the repetition that I didn't like was the fact that she always sang Frere Jacques. There are a lot of songs to sing and relating them to the issues she's having would be a bit difficult, but so worth it. Singing Frere Jacques when she's healthy, singing something about pain or red when she's a blood moon, singing edelweiss when she's blue and pale and fragile. That would be cool.

The other thing, adding onto the moon, is that stars can be so cool. Shooting stars/comets. Dim stars. Constellations. So much to do.

Overall, I think a little more variation in the base repetition would be great, but you did a marvelous job on this piece. The detail is interesting and the length is great. It has a plot and progression with that mystery mixed in perfectly. Great job.

FairyLight




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Tue Jul 18, 2017 5:15 am
mmbmio says...



This is beautiful





The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte