Published February 24, 2010
Hey!
This contains sexual intercourse. If this ain't your thing, or you're under eighteen, please don't read this.
Prologue: Sex
We both fall back on the bed. He kisses me violently. I part my lips, inviting him to deepen the kiss.
"Mmmm," he moans, our lips still touching. He rubs my back gently and pulls me even closer. "Mmmm."
He pulls away, gasping for air. He reaches out and touches my neck. He grabs hold of my blouse and strips me of it.
For what seems like hours, we stay motionless. Finally, his hand slides to my back and unlatches my bra.
I remove his jeans, and then his boxers, and he removes my skirt and underwear. I take off his shirt.
He gingerly cups my breasts in his hands, and then he kisses them.
And before I can do anything, my virginity is gone.
"Justin..." I can't get any more words out. "Justin, I love you."
"I love you, too, Cameron." He smiles. "I love you, too."
Everything inside of me screams. I can't tell if I love it or hate it. But as he kisses me passionately again, I know I love it.
He slams into me again, and I gasp. I never imagined that at fifteen, I would already have sex.
The air is filled with moans and sighs of pleasure. The bed creaks occasionally, under the weight of two lovers.
Lovers.
It seems now that time has stopped, and that nothing in the world exists but Justin and I. Nothing at all.
I want him more than anything. His embrace crushes me up against him, yet it's not enough. I kiss him again, and I rub his back aggressively.
"Oh, Cameron," he says. "Never stop. This is more than I can handle...this is orgasmic!"
And then I realize what I've done.
"Oh, my God!" I say, using language that I know I'm not supposed to. "Justin, what have I done?"
"What are you talking about?"
I get up off of the bed, put my clothes back on and walk out of the room. Tears sting my cheeks. He follows me outside, shirtless, but wearing pants.
"What's wrong, Cameron?"
"Take me home," I demand. He hesitates. "I said, take me home!"
He gets in and we start driving.
"Why are you so angry?"
"Justin, I can't believe this!" I bury my face in my hands. "I just had sex! I'm a Christian, Justin. And I'm only fifteen! I'm not supposed to!"
"But you said that you loved me."
"I know I did! But I got lost in everything," I say.
"So you don't love me?"
I look at him, unable to think of what to say to him. Do I love him? We pull up at my house. "I'm sorry," I say at last.
I run inside.
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140,811 Literary Works • 673,693 Reviews
Ahh, but there are two kind of emotional when you having sex. Either ecstasy or extreme guiltiness, since "s" in "sex" also stands for "sin". Because Cameron is still a young girl, and let her instinct took over her mind, she would feel confused and scared, and at the same time, her body, naturally, will enjoy that moment, until she realized what she had done. That is the emotion I was looking for. Still, I understand that this story is not about sex, but the guilty feeling after that, so the sex scene does not need to be too detailed.
I think that was the edited version.
Here's my suggestion:
Expand the story a little bit. Get into the first chapter. Perhaps then, the prologue won't seem so meaningless.
And I totally understand why it was a shorter sex scene. The girl realizes midway that she's not supposed to have sex, and runs away. Perhaps if Cameron didn't feel bad, it would've been more emotional, hotter, and longer.
The edited version is up!
For a sex scene, yes, it was quite uninteresting. Too short, too fast, and lack of details and emotions. Describe more on the movement, the heat, the sound, the sense, everything that would give the reader not only a view on the scene, but feel like they were in it. Consider reading erotica for reference if you really want to write about sex. Also...orgasm in women is a very difficult to achieve with only that much foreplay and then a penetration. I could went on more and talk about it, but this is not the place for sexual talks, so that is all I can tell you.
Just a note -- women can't have orgasms from sexual intercourse. And if they do, it wouldn't be when they lose their virginity. And it wouldn't be from "one swift motion." Also, you made the sex scene not last as long as it should. Unless the guy is a virgin, then he won't last long I guess...
Sorry, I'm going too deep into stuff I shouldn't. Just trying to help you out there.
Cheers,
Lena
Thank you for the ending. I totally needed help on that part!
Was my sex bad? I've never written a sex scene before...
Hmm, it was good. I loved the sudden change in the middle of the story, the sentence 'And then I realize what I've done' was a very good turn of events, I like that
For the last few sentences however, if you wanted to make it any more epic, I would perhaps re-work it like this:
"So you don't love me?"
I look at him, unable to think of what to say to him. Do I love him? We pull up at my house. "I'm sorry," I say at last.
I run inside.