I wrote this out of passion, but I'm not suicidle myself. Don't worry.
On the first page of her book she wrote “once upon the time”
On the second page she wrote, “Today was great”
On the third page she wrote, “I made tons of friends”
On the fourth page she wrote, “Today wasn’t so good”
On the fifth page she wrote, “One of my friends abandoned me”
On the sixth page she wrote, “I only have a couple friends left”
One the seventh page her friends told her to write, “I am not cool enough”
One the eight page her family told her to write, “I am immature”
On the ninth page the world told her to write, “I am worth nothing”
On the tenth page she wrote, “I can’t do this anymore”
On the eleventh page her knife wrote, “The end.”
In her sequel the world wrote, “Good riddance”
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks for the criticism. The probably wasn't the best poem to post first. I understand what your saying competely. This wasn't a sit dow and write for other people to read poem, it was kind of just venting. I have much less "Emo" poems to post. I just wanted to post something and it was the only thing I have on my hard-drive. I appreciate it though. That is not the style of most of my poems. And I would love for you to read other ones and criticize one them to.
Heya raven.
Well, it's certainly good to know you're not thinking of killing yourself. That'd suck, I have to say.
I don't really like how your poem is put together. It's an interesting idea, but it's simply too repetitive to be effective: basically what you've done it stick a chorus in there, which means that the original element of each line is limited to the second half. If we were to read your poem with that in mind, it might as well just be one section that says,
"Today was great, I made tons of friends. Today wasn’t so good, one of my friends abandoned me: I only have a couple friends left. I am not cool enough, I am immature, I am worth nothing, I can’t do this anymore."
Not exactly inspiring, is it? Sadly it's something that we've heard a lot before, it's not very original: lots of people go through this kind of situation, and we read lots of poems about it - what you need is some originality of expression, which lines like this aren't going to get you.
The last two lines are better: they're a little quirky and a little more original, especially the last line, which I liked quite a lot. You're going to have trouble turning such an overused topic into a really creative poem, but if you want to work on this, take the last line, only use the diary image for the beginning of them poem, and change the majority of it in the middle. Hope that helps you out a bit!