Rated because of the slight use of swear words.
Can’t you just choose between me and him? Those words kept echoing in my head, and every time, I had an urge to open my mouth and say them. It’s just a sentence. A few words put together for a meaningful, fucking sentence.
I looked around, passing a hand through my hair nervously. There weren’t many students in the library, and most of them were hunched up over a book or loose sheets of paper. What was I doing here anyways? I didn’t have a test to study for; projects that were due, or even research of any kind... No, but you do need peace and quiet, I thought. I sighed and a girl looked at me, annoyed. My eyes traveled down to the table beside me, watching the intricate pattern in the wood before them.
I had to go see her. This was driving me crazy, and I knew that the earlier I talked to her, the better it would be. At least, I hoped so. The words he had sent her kept appearing behind my eyelids, and no matter how hard I tried to forget about it, I couldn’t. I had tried to act as normal as I could today, really. I had tried so hard, you had no idea. By the end of the day though, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. He kept materializing close to her whenever I saw her. I felt like I had soaked in jealousy all day.
Can’t we just hang out? I know ur close with Nathan... I still wanna see u tho.
My name written like that on her cellphone screen... When it had vibrated, I hadn’t really wanted to read the message. I just wanted to open it so it would stop vibrating. When I saw his name though, I was curious. Why would he be texting her? Probably to advise her of another one of their meetings for the student council. I didn’t expect those words though. After that, I had to go see the other messages. My fingers moved so fast, my heart beating hard against my ribs. Plenty of messages, more and more flirting. The worst was the feeling that had grown inside of me. I had sincerely though that she was mine, although we weren’t officially together.
I pushed up from the table I was sitting at. My breath was deepening, on the verge of hyperventilating, I had to get out. I almost ran down the few hallways to the doors that lead outside. When I reached the fresh air, I took a deep breath, letting it swirl inside my lungs. I walked, feeling like I had to do something. Anything to distract me. Turned out it didn’t do much. She was leaving the school too, walking towards the parking lot. She saw me and she smiled, stopping in her tracks to wait for me. I didn’t want to go see her, walk by her side, make conversation... But my legs decided anyways, and it only took a few seconds to be there, facing her. Her brown eyes traveled down my body, taking me in.
“Hey, what are you doing at school? I thought your mom asked you to be home early today,” she said, the wind carrying the notes to my ear.
“I had to do some work,” I lied. I was way too proud to admit that I actually didn’t know what I was doing here.
“You’re done now?” She asked, a smile stretching her soft lips. Her eyes twinkled, almost like there were a million Christmas lights in them.
“Yeah. Listen, I have to ask you something,” I said, and clamped my lips together. Why did I just say that? I asked myself. Her eyes were concerned, carefully searching mine. I opened my mouth once again, it had to be done.
“I know there’s something between you and Sean. I... I thought what we had...” I couldn’t find the strength to finish my sentence. Instead, she answered, she already figured out what I was trying to say.
“We do. It is... I mean,” she hesitated a few seconds. “I like Sean, he’s a nice guy. I like you too,” she said quickly.
“Do you like me more?” I felt like such a jerk asking her that, but I had to know. I wasn’t going to humiliate myself if she was into another guy. “He wants to go out with you, you know that? So do I,” I said, closing my eyes.
“I don’t know. I like you both...“ I opened my eyes.
“It might be a good idea to start thinking about that. I’m not going to share you,” I said, voice harsh against the wind. Her eyes filled with water, and she caught a tear with her index finger. Her mouth opened and closed, she was lost for words. I turned around; ready to walk out when she called out my name.
“Nate...” Whispers, making my heart stop beating. I turned again, watching her sobbing, her head bent, and hands hiding her face from my view. She took them away, revealing a tear soaked face. I took a few steps, taking her in my arms. I couldn't leave, not like that. Not ever. I had to fight until the end for this girl.
She pressed her face in my chest, sobbing even harder.
“I love you. Really, I do. But I love him too,” was all I could hear between two sobs.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
This was really good. I liked it, though I felt sorry for the character, Nate, at the end. Keep up the good work, though.
All I could think when i read that line where she says she loves him but loves Sean too was 'noo' especially since hed gone back to her! That was really effective and I want to read on. More? Yeahh, the part where he says he's going to fight for her makes the reader want to fight for him to win her. This is really good. I never review writing skill because structure and language i feel is all about personal style and truthfully good writing comes from the content not the sentences.
Please write more.
-jac
the story in its self had a good plot, kind of generic, but something a lot of people can connect to. I enjoyed how tha story sort of unfolded before me as a i read it. I liked how i didn't really know anything at the beginning but as i kept reading, i learned more and more about the character and the situation. I felt that the way you executed the MC talking to the girl, was awkward, i didn't really feel any smooth transition. Other than that i don't have any legit corrections for you other than the ones that have already been made clear to you. good job!
-emily
Loved it! I liked that there was something that didn't make it simple, like most love stories. I think that it was very well written. I would've liked a little bit more background however. Other than that, it was awesome!
Cheers,
Luxe
p.s.
I figured that since you've read my stuff, I should be courteous and read yours too
I got really into reading this, i was disappointed when it ended haha!
I don't see any major problems with it, and i think it flows really well too
good job, love it xo
Damn. I feel bad for Nate. I can totally relate with what the girl is going through, loving two people at the same time. And being told you have to choose. Anyway, I think you should give the girl a name. And Nate should have some type of conflict with Nate over the girl or something. Other than that there is nothing i can really say. It was totally good. Keep writing!
Oh, gosh. I know you asked me to review this, and I said I wanted to be helpful with my reviews...but this is amazingly well written, for the length of it I get a great feel for the characters, and it was more than just a lovey-dovey story. I couldn't find any grammatical errors (I think the post above me caught them and you changed it?) and it read very smoothly. I didn't stop or get caught up once.
To be honest, the only complaint I have is that its short; which is ironic since its a "short" story. I must ask, do you plan to do more with this, or is this it? Either way, wonderful!
Hey Other one!
This is a review to say thanks for reading and reviewing my contest entry
I think 'it' would be better as 'them'
Try -
'and most of them were hunched over a book or loose sheets of paper.'
Try -
'I cast my eyes to the floor,'
I think this would read better if you got rid of 'at'
'I couldn't even look her in the eyes.'
You don't need 'her'
You need 'it' after 'open'
You don't need 'I'
'your'
'she'
This would flow better as - 'carefully searching mine.'
The second 'the' should be 'to'
'I couldn't find the strength to finish my sentence.'
'stripped' doesn't read write. Try 'covered' or 'soaked'
To make this have more of an impact, I'd suggest adding in 'but' -
'Really, I do, but I love him too'
So, I thought this was a sad story, but short. We don't have enough time to truly feel sorry for any of the characters. We don't know how long the MC has been working on the courage to ask this girl out. I'd like to see the MC describing more of his emotions. Does his heart feel like it's breaking when she tells him she likes both him and Sean. Is he angry at her? Does he feel betrayed that she's been texting the other guy. His whole world should feel like it's falling down because he might lose the girl he loves.
I think you did do pretty well writing from a guys point of view though
I would suggest proof-reading before you submit to YWS though as I spotted a few silly spelling mistakes.
I did enjoy reading this!
xDudettex
This story was honestly one of the best short stories I've ever read. Though I haven't read many
I really love how she didn't choose one guy (though I kind of wish she chose Nate XP)
It's sweet how she couldn't choose between the two, but also sad and heart breaking at the same time and I think you portrayed Nate's feelings almost perfectly. Great story
Awwww - this was a bit heart-wrenching for me near the end. I could definitely feel the anguish that the speaker's going through. So right there, that is a thumbs-up!
Another good thing I wanted to add is your hook. That is, your beginning sentence. It immediately went into his thoughts and right into the heart of the conflict. So that was nice, it got to the point, but without revealing a lot about the story itself. =)
You did have a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes but I think you understand that it'll get cleaned up the second time around, no? ^^
Again, sweet read and nice hook for your reader.
OMG I love your story. It is so awesome. It makes me relate to a bunch of stuff that is going on in my life. I am in love with your writing and let me just tell you that you are a very talented writer. I haven't been on YWS in awhile so I'm rusty on reviewing but I'm trying to get the hang of it again. I love your writing amd keep up the good work.
That was really good. I liked how the story had conflict, whereas some romantic stories are so predictable. This was very beautifully written. I especially like the line where it says, "Her eyes sparkled like a thousand Christmas lights." I may not have gotten the sentence word for word, but it was still very good. Nice job, keep writing!
Beautifully writtern really
although I felt sorry for Nate xD
Nice
Keep writing ~