Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I spend my free time making scenarios from things i see on my way.
last week i saw a boy holding a ball and girl strolling with her dog. The dog went straight to the boy but instead of playing fetch with the dog, the boy got mad and yelled out loud that made the pigeons flew away. But in my scenario, the boy played fetch with the dog and because of that, the girl fell inlove with the guy and the two of them talked while they fed the pigeons.
And now, i saw another stuff to make scenarios of.
I stare at the white wall in front of me and thought of the stuffs to be filled in that wall.
I try to think that wall is my blank life needed to be filled with colors aside from white. Aside from the formal and the usual things to do in life.
i've thought of a universal remote control that can stop the time so I can have a better look in this chaotic atmosphere.
i've imagined a camera built in your eyes so that I can capture moments I don't want to miss.
I've wanted to go back in time and bring guns with me so that I can rule all over the spartan empire.
I've wished Hogwarts is real.
I've wanted to solve the Bermuda Triangle mystery.
I've wanted to know if aliens are real.
i've wanted to know why is there such things as mythologies.
i've wanted to see the end of the universe and if there's and end, what does it looks like? is it another infinite blank space or what?
MINDBLOWN.
i felt the tap of reality on my shoulder and all of a sudden I saw my classmates looking at me peculiarly.
"what?" i asked them.
"Well you just filled the wall with crazy stuffs and it's a serious offense. The principal is coming."
fuck.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm...well this was a hilarious little short story that is also very relatable as a write...its also got some scary coincidences in there too...well...more details down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ohh...I see a fellow writer here...xD...that's how most of us try to come up with stories sometimes at any rate...or that's how some stories are born at any rate, you just take a walk and see something that's interesting and you immediately want to turn that into some sort of scene and then that scene multiplies somehow and ends up turning into a book.
Okay...not too sure what exactly you can come up with from staring at a blank white wall but ehh...if you're imagination is good, even that white wall might end up producing an entire story and well...that would certainly be quite an awesome thing there.
Okay...well...that's very interesting...these are definitely some pretty awesome idea being spit out here...and all while staring at a blank wall...well this person certainly seems like a person that would be coming up with some seriously killer ideas judging based on what they've produced here...these really do sound pretty cool.
Hmm...that definitely seems like one of those ideas that are almost plausible in the future and comes from some kind of epic future sci fi story...well...keep these awesome ideas coming here...some really awesome things flowing through this particular head.
Hmm...well those are definitely the thoughts of most writers....also strangely reflecting somewhat close to a few of the ideas that I myself have had over the years...xD...well let's see where this string of ideas are gonna end here.
Ahh yes....the tragic side effect of being a writer....also wow...a couple of those are also eerily similar to ideas I've had....oh wow...this is quite a coincidence we got going on here...
Ooooh...spacing out while thinking of so many ideas...and just being in that moment of looking through things is just absolutely super relatable to us writers, when those ideas come you just don't seem to remember that there exists a world besides that...that is very true...well hopefully this person here hasn't gotten into any trouble.
Oh no....I jinxed it...xD...looks like they were writing all those awesome ideas down on that blank white wall and oh dear....that does sound like they are in quite some trouble there...uh oh...I don't think the "But, I'm a writer" defence works on principals.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...this was a hilarious little story that I had a lot of fun reading. Aaand well yeah, that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi!!
great job
So basically I thought the idea of this writing and the creativity of it was it's best qualities and totally brought the writing to life. I think that you're really creative because of how well you wrote this and how you didn't seem to copy any other plot. Even though its super cool and awesome there's just a few minor grammatical and vocabulary errors but that's okay. It's just that you know that maybe redundant words, like how you wrote I've and I, maybe it would be better if you could add some vocabulary variety? But really other than that it's amazing and who knows it's your writing maybe it was intended like a style that you wanted to portray I don't know, but from what I got that's what I was thinking and I could be wrong. LOL Overall this was really cool and out of the box and made me laugh
Hi there! For starters, I liked how you captured her personality with her thoughts and made it very relatable. I imagine scenarios like this to so it was nice to see someone capture that in words. You shouldn't start so many sentences with I think or I feel, even if it is an inner monolouge. You need to have sentence variety. Other than that, very well done, captured an innocent humor very nicely.
Hi thenonconformist. Welcome to YWS!
To become a great writer, a person needs to be creative and observant (the rest comes with experience). While reading your piece, I realized you have both these qualities, and that is great! Be proud~ I relate to the character, and I'm sure other writers do too, because he/she does sounds like a writer. Hahah. One thing I would tell you, though, is to use these qualities of yours to create more descriptions; show us how you see the world and hook the reader by sharing what's in your imagination.
I am not going to repeat what other reviewers have told you already, but if I have to give you an advice, I would tell you to be as perfectionist as possible when it comes to writing. What do I mean by that? Start your sentences with a capital letter and end them with a period, watch your punctuation, and remember that in English every 'I' should always be capitalized if it is used as a pronoun. Why is this important? Because the more uniform you are, the more clear your message will be, and readers will also take what you have to say more seriously. That's all I have to say, actually. Hahah.
Keep writing and thanks for sharing!
Your friendly neighbor,
GeeLyria
Hi there!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you'll enjoy being here.
Well, this is a fun piece! Anyway, onto some comments as I read through this:
Is your lack of proper grammar a bit intentional? I'm not quite sure, so it'll be cool if you cleared it up.
One thing to make not of is tenses:
You start off with present, give us a little back story which (rightfully , so ) is in past tense.
And then you say:
"And now, i saw another stuff to make scenarios of."
So, here, since you're moving back to 'now' which is present, the story would be more consistent if you started using the present tense. So that sentence should have been:
And now, I see [something] to make scenarios out of.
Also, 'another stuff' is wrong phrasing. So is 'with crazy stuffs'. Stuff is a collective singular; and the phrasing here is awkward. Something along the lines of 'filledthe wall with crazy writing/art/graffiti' would work better.
Also, I think the title would be grammatically correct if it is 'what goes on in her her.' Because without the 'on' it sounds like something is being put in her head.
Also, the [url=http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewforum.php?f=320= Knowledge Base[/url] on YWS has lots of great threads to help with grammar and writing.
Another place where you can improve is instead of stating "I wish Hogwarts was real", try to detail it some more to show us a bit more about your protagonist. Try to develop along what the person would do when at hogwarts, would he/she play Quidditch, study what classes, have a pet, etc. That would show some description and character development.
In any case, it's a good start.
Welcome aboard to YWS!
Cheers,
Lava
Hey, there! Thewriter13 here for a review!
First off: Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here and find this site helpful
and fun.Alright so I'm going to go through nitpicks first, and then I'll give you praise and then I'll go over what needs to be fixed.
Let's get started, shall we?
Nitpicks!
I reread this sentence three times, and I am still a little unsure about the word choice. I feel 'making' is such a vague word here. "Creating", sounds even better than just 'making." And what do you mean by 'on my way'? Perhaps, "As I go through life..."Those are just suggestions to make your words a little more descriptive and specific.
First off, 'last' should be capitalized. I understand that some works will purposefully keep letters lowercase for effect, but here you just either made typos, or something. +1 pointed out what the rules are, and they really should be followed unless you have a reason not to. Also, comma after 'week' and 'a' before 'girl.'
Here, 'that' is not a good word to use when linking these ideas together. "which" makes more sense.
Also the sentence itself is really run on. You repeat "boy" and "dog." Use pronouns to make it less repetitive. If the dog is a male, too, give the dog a breed name. Doberman, poodle, etc. That way you won't be repeating dog.
Should be "in love"
This sentence is grammatically incorrect and very vague as well.
What stuff? Why do you refer to it as 'stuff'?
Could be: And now, I have found other interesting moments to make scenarios out of.
It's not as vague and it's grammatically correct.
Here you switch tenses. Please make it clearer that you are now in the present, because it's blurry where you switch.
I won't point out any more, just go back and proofread.
Praise
This is a great start! It has a lot of potential, just work on the suggestions!
I think you should be more detailed; add some more description to it! Make us feel something with what you're telling us
Go back and seriously proofread this piece once more.
Hi, thenonconformist. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on my pink glasses*
First off, you should put a warning on this story. You need to let the readers know about the language, such as 'fuck', on the story. I know that you are new here so I am telling you to put a warning sign on it.
Anyway, let's take about the story.
You have many errors on here. You didn't used any punctuation and capitalization on some sentences. You always need to uppercase the 'i' on every sentence. Also, you need to put commas between transition words and the other words that came after them. And the other thing, you need space the words, 'in' and 'love' on this sentence:
"But in my scenario, the boy played fetch with the dog and because of that, the girl fell inlove with the guy and the two of them talked while they fed the pigeons."
End of nitpicks!!
Overall, this story seems very good. The end is funny that the main character will get in trouble after filling the wall with 'crazy stuff'. It looked interesting and has good potential, but you need a lot of work to get better as a beginner. Anyway, have a nice day!
Good Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
P.S: Welcome to YWS!
First off, 16+ for language, reread your last word.
And also, a warm welcome to YWS! Lastly, the title: what goes in her mind. Shouldn't it be, what goes on in her mind?
Second off, this is not a poem, so I really don't understand the on and off use of capital letters. Basic English language rules: beginning of sentence=capital letter.
Beginning of quotations=capital letter.
The letter 'I'=always capital when standing by itself, or in a conjunction (I'm, I've)
Was it your intention to not capitalize certain letters to make it more relative to a narrative in ones head? If so, I highly recommend you change it, because to me, it just makes it confusing and befuddling rather than add to a higher effect.
Nitpicks:
last week i saw a boy holding a ball and girl strolling with her dog.
I suggest inserting an a before girl, and also there should be a comma after last week.
Last week, I saw a boy holding a ball and a girl strolling with her dog.
The dog went straight to the boy but instead of playing fetch with the dog, the boy got mad and yelled out loud that made the pigeons flew away. But in my scenario, the boy played fetch with the dog and because of that, the girl fell inlove with the guy and the two of them talked while they fed the pigeons.
So, these two sentences definitely need some work. They are both on the confusing side. I suggest editing them accordingly, or something similar.
The dog ran up to the boy, but instead of playing fetch with the dog, the boy got mad and yelled so loud that the pigeons flew away. But in my scenario, the boy played fetch with the dog and, because of that, the two of them talked while they fed the pigeons and the girl fell in love with the boy.
And now, i saw another stuff to make scenarios of.
Two things wrong with this sentence: 1) You switch tenses (present to past). 2) Another should be other. Another thing which isn't technically wrong; I suggest making of out of.
And now, I see other stuff to make scenarios out of.
I stare at the white wall in front of me and thought of the stuffs to be filled in that wall.
Confusing? What is she/he talking about?
i've imagined a camera built in your eyes so that I can capture moments I don't want to miss.
Should be my eyes, not your eyes, to stay consistent.
I've wished Hogwarts is real.
Should be *was real, to keep with the past tense formality you have been using to describe the narrator's thoughts of what they've wanted to do in the past.
i've wanted to know why is there such things as mythologies.
*why there are
i've wanted to see the end of the universe and if there's and end, what does it looks like? is it another infinite blank space or what?
*and if there's AN end (not and). Also, I liked how you ended up taking the blank space of the wall and interloping it with the ending/near ending/his or her thoughts.
Well you just filled the wall....
Comma after well.
The last word? Really? Couldn't you have just used a milder word, like shoot or dang? It would have opened up this piece to so many more readers.
Anyway, the ending made me laugh. It was a funny, creative, quirky idea; just a little piece to review. I'd say, if you fixed all of the above and polished it up a bit in terms of grammar, punctuation, and capitalization, I would be able to read through this without wincing every second or two. I honestly liked the content, but it was hard to enjoy with all the needed revisions.
Keep writing, you show a lot of real potential!
Overall rating: 7/10
+1