Looks can be deceiving

First and foremost, I want to be very clear that I don't know anything about your life. All my critiques are simply in reference to the work and the speaker in this poem, not at all an attack on you as a person if this poem was drawn from real feelings you're dealing with. Since all I have to work with is this, I will only be talking about this. Cool? Cool.

I don't like this poem, at all. The speaker in this poem just comes off like a teenager that's very self-absorbed in their depression, which isn't an innately bad thing to write about of course. I can speak from experience that I very much was like this speaker when I was a kid for a long, long time. So it is based in reality, however, I just don't feel this poem ever delves into anything unique or interesting about that type of person or the experience that they go through. This feels like it's simply just stating "Hey guy's, I'm depressed. Well bye!" and that's not too much to work with or digest as a reader. I'm not saying I don't care that the speaker's depressed, but people only truly get and sympathize with someone's depression when they are given a name, a face, an identity, a scene, a story. I'd say to help this piece is to convey the speaker's feelings of alienation and depression into something other than blatant declarations. Build a scene, tell us a story. A scene that conjures up all those feelings in the reader's mind without having to directly tell them what the speaker feels.

I will say, that this poem did make me laugh a few times, very much Marilyn Manson and The Spooky Kids level lines. Lines like "I wish my life had as much luck as a four leaf clover./ Just kidding, I want it to be over." or "No one can see, when I'm hummin' or singin',/ That late at night I want my wrists to be bleedin'." Whoah! So EDGY! Also for that line "..hummin' or singin'." I don't know that is trying to achieve, other than the fact that it's simply attempting to make those two lines rhyme.

Welcome to YWS. Hope you stay around and keep writing.

A Poem
Static Scum
Forever.

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

So, the first thing I notice is that well, nothing! It flows well and the emotion in this.... I just.. it effects me so much because I know where this is coming from. It pops up, every so often, either during school or right before I fall asleep. I know what its like and I am not trying to be sympathetic. i've had those thoughts too, about hurting myself but I don't.

I do't have much to say on the poem but hot damn! The emotion was brimming in this and you worded it so f****** well. So well. I don't know what else to say then that.

Also, welcome to YWS!

Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!