Young Writers Society

Hey man,
This seems to be a pretty good story so far. I think that it is really cool that the characters can communicate without using verbal language. I know it sounds a bit picky but, in your first sentence I would type out the word seven. If you want to be politically correct, any number under 100 is supposed to be typed out.
I really like your hook, it seems like a good place for not only the reader's imagination to start but, also your own.
"What happened next was amazing Brandon Gee and my other friends came and stood in v formation with me at point it was all part of the pack code. We all agreed to protect each other when need be." In this paragraph, you missed a few places where you should have used punctuation which is alright. If I were you, I would have went into more detail. Maybe something like this.
" Then something amazing happened. Brandon Glee and my other friends began to move around me. Before long, we were standing in v formation. It may seem like something silly, like a bunch of wild geese preparing to fly. But, for me it is much more. A symbol, part of our pack code. We have made an agreement to protect each other when needed. For that, I am truly thankful."
There are many other things that you could change about the paragraph. I just feel like that was a good place to add some detail and in a way inform the reader of the situation. It is moments like that one that really get the reader thinking and wondering. That is one of the keys to writing because a bored reader might as well not be reading your story at all. If you don't really catch their attention, they may be thinking about what they are going to do the next day or anything along those lines. I know it seems very over dramatic of me to focus on things like this but, if you really give each paragraph, each sentence, each word that same amount of detail and love...Well your story would be a whole lot better.
""No we all agreed you can go we will take care of these ones " Thomas said." With this I would only change one thing. I know I seem to be contradicting myself now but, too much detail is a bad thing. I would have said "'Man, it's fine. You know as well as I do that we all agreed. You can go, we will take care of this one."
I am sorry to be so picky but, you need to work on your grammar a bit. But, if you continue writing i ma sure that one day you will reach your full potential and do wonderful things. I suggest writing a book of two with another author there to help you and edit with you. Believe me, that alone is enough to change someone's view on the way they write things.
Now to be positive. This may not be what you want to hear but,I feel like you would be good at writing shorter chapter books for kids around the ages of 9-11. That way, you can really capture and use their imagination to your advantage. It is almost like the high school musical series. Many adults find it pointless, you would have to be a student to appreciate it. ( I say almost because I realize that some adults may enjoy it too) But, if you get what I'm saying I hope that you take my advise.
So long,
Anne Throckmorton

Hello,

Cool First sentence, I thought it was a pretty good hook. I also liked the concept of the characters being able to talk to each other at all times with their minds. It really gave me a sense of there not being very much privacy in this world.

AS the others have mentioned its a bit choppy at places, but around half way through I was intrigued enough to keep reading the rest of the entry.

I had a bit of trouble remembering which character was which and had to go back and the read the last few sentences a few times.

You strike me as someone who is pretty young, so I think as long as you enjoy writing you should go for it and you will improve with practice.

Hey! I'm here to give you a review. Hopefully, I can point you in the right direction. I'm not a great writer myself by any means, but there are certain flaws in your work that need to be pointed out. This is a review of the first chapter only.

Solid effort, but not good enough for a book, I'm afraid. If I were you, I'd stick to short stories. It's not the same for everyone, sure, but in my humble opinion, short stories give you more practice. That, and you don't really need to worry that much about a solid plot. Writing novels is extraordinarily difficult for a variety of reasons, most of which do not exist in the world of short stories. Just a bit of advice there.

Now to the story itself. As the reviewer below mentioned, it jumps around a lot. You either give too much detail in places where it is not necessary (describing the main character's abilities in wolf form, and we'll get to that part later as well), or you don't give enough details where they'd help me comprehend the story better (the forest scene. I didn't notice you mentioning the MC climbing up a tree). So definitely focus on making a clearer image. Being vague is completely fine, and is actually immensely useful in certain genres, but your story could use more clarity. Remember that even though you see the scene in your head, we can't. You need to describe it as best you can (that doesn't mean the description has to be long, just accurate enough for us to fill in the blanks).

You also have a problem with grammar. Mostly common issues (ex. "no body" -> "nobody", "your not" -> "you're not"), and I assure you that you can overcome this with some reading (I'll get to reading a bit later as well). There's also a clear issue with punctuation. You need to break up your sentences, because if you don't, they have a completely different meaning. I make mistakes in this area as well, and I believe we all do, but again, take a close look at that (ex. "where I can't see you" refers to a place where she cannot see him. "Where? I can't see you." is what you were going for, I think). See the completely different meaning of both sentences?

Too much exposition at certain points. That ties into the classic "show, don't tell" rule. I'm not really a supporter of that rule, as exclusively showing can be immensely tedious and often slows down the flow of a story, but make sure you don't bring it to a grinding halt with the opposite either. Don't tell us that he's faster than a cheetah, show him running through the woods. Don't tell us that he can speak to animals, show him doing it and using that ability to his advantage. Too much exposition can really break a reader's immersion.

Now, I might contradict myself a bit, but at the beginning, you don't give enough exposition. We don't know where this story is set, when it is set, what the characters can do, and so the shapeshifting and spellweaving comes as a fairly confusing surprise. You didn't really lead up to it in any significant way, which you definitely want to do when engaging a reader in your world. Some exposition is good, some blank spaces are good, but too much exposition paired with too many blank spaces is hell for a reader.

Dialogue seems alright. It's not perfect, and some of the lines don't really seem too believable, but that's something you polish with practice. Again, takes time. I highly doubt anyone here is a master of believable dialogue (yet).

I may have missed some details, I may not have. In any case, you keep on writing. Forget about writing books for now, they bring misery. Read books instead. Read whatever genre you yourself intend to write primarily. Short stories are excellent for practice, and you seem like a person who completes what they start. That's just my opinion, it might be completely wrong, but that's how it is for me.

Good luck mate. Practice is the key to everything. Talent can only get us so far.

Aleta here for a review. I read most of this chapter, and found that it seemed to jump around a bit. You never really explained how the main character's friends suddenly popped out of nowhere to help him confront the bullies, and if you did it was unclear. It was a bit surprising that the main character was a shapeshifter, as that wasn't really introduced earlier and it seemed like more of a normal story. Because the pace of the story jumps around so much it's a bit difficult to pick up information. In order to allow the reader to adjust, you'd probably need to be more detailed and specific about what's going on.

Grammar
'The biggest one of them walked up me and started talking.'
Correction: The biggest one of them walked up to me and started talking.

"I'm afraid I can't do that sorry" I said as I braised myself for the punch that was sure to follow.
Correction: braced, not braised.

"OH SURE YOU CAN" he screamed.
Correction: You've already stated he screamed, so I'd suggest not putting in caps but rather just using an exclamation point instead.

"Why" I knew but I wanted to be sure.
Correction: Question mark after why.

What happened next was amazing Brandon Gee and my other friends came and stood in v formation with me at point it was all part of the pack code. We all agreed to protect each other when need be.
Correction: What happened next was amazing. Brandon Gee and the rest of my friends came and stood in v-formation with me. It was all part of the pack code, and so they were bound by blood to protect each other when need be. (make sure to explain how they got there in the first place - still doesn't make sense how they just suddenly appeared)

"But there’s only five of you".
Correction: Period goes inside of the dialogue not out.

unbreakablespell on my friends
Random thought: So the characters have the powers to shape shift, read thoughts, and cast spells. Where is this all coming from? I'd suggest in the next chapter to introduce some sort of lore so it would make sense. Why were they given these powers - to protect, perhaps?

My plan worked the bullies followed and my friends stayed still, glued to the ground. I knew it would only be a matter of time before they caught me so I left the school grounds and into the woods across the road.
Correction: My plan worked. The bullies followed me and my friends stayed still, glued to the ground. I knew it would only be a matter of time before they caught me, so I left the school grounds and bolted into the woods across the road.

""Over here"" I thought.

""Were I can't see you""she thought
Correction: Why are you using double the dialogue marks for this? If the characters are thinking, just make sure to italicize it. Also, on the second line it is 'Where? I can't see you, she thought.'

"I was hopping that you could correct any spellings" I said.
Correction: *hoping

I only grazed over grammar, but I hope I helped a bit. I'll try to read the next chapter as well.