"Welcome home" were among Rynn's absolute favorite words to hear. Suffice it to say, they were rarely spoken to her; but on the occasion that they would be, they came from caretaker, Kishori.
It was this young beauty, dark skin and thick hair, always dressed in her elaborate native robes (the only fine things she had left) who answered Rynn's knock on the weathered wooden door. Rynn felt very small beside Kishori. It wasn't that she was large by any means, but very tall and...majestic. She allured her coin and merchandise by her beauty and charm, so much so you could hardly call it theft. Most men gave her just what she asked for.
Rynn felt nothing like her, and sometimes she very much wanted to.
"Come in, quickly. What have you managed today?" Kishori beckoned Rynn inside, glancing anxiously at the pouch she had on her belt.
Hastily, Rynn made her way with Kishori down the dark hallway leading from the entrance into the main expanse- an underground room with a single table in the center, a stove, and shelves of books. Three doorways in the wall turned into tiny bedrooms with cots and dressers in them.
Rynn untied the leather bag and carefully poured its contents onto the table. She shifted her eyes to Kishori for approval. "It was busy. I had to look out, so it isn't much. But the finest around."
Kishori nodded slowly and picked up one of the bracelets. "Very beautiful. I'm sure we can have a merchant conjure up a few lies about this material. We can triple its true value," she spoke thoughtfully.
The quiet concentration of the moment was interrupted. Abruptly, it was replaced with a rapid panic as an iron knife whizzed past Kishori's face. It strategically missed by inches, embedding itself in the wall beside the girls.
Rynn turned her head to see a familiar figure in the shadows pass elusively behind a shelf, inching towards the table.
"Archer," boomed Kishori's scolding voice.
Coolly, the body snatched the handful of jewelry and strode forward. The dim light, indeed, revealed the face of Archer Sebastian. His dark eyes shone a twinkle as he grinned.
"Had you been a poor seller on the street, I'd be long gone with a good lot of your merchandise." He dangled the bracelets in front of Kishori's nose tauntingly. His words showed just a hint of his eastern Piraviel accent.
Rynn noted the way his hair, tied into dreadlocks and pulled back in a careless bun, trembled when he laughed.
"Keep your filthy paws off the prizes, Archer, or the prices go down and we don't eat next week," Kishori snapped.
Rynn couldn't help but giggle as Archer mocked her face, scrunched in distaste. At this, Archer smiled and put an arm around her.
Her heart picked up pace when she felt the straps of his leather knife belts against her side. Her face was pulled near his breast.
"How is my favorite sister?" Archer asked her, emphasizing the words with a tease for Kishori to hear.
None of the 'siblings' were blood related. The three of them had come together, each through a different turn of events, to become an unlikely guild. Kishori, being the eldest of the children at twenty-seven, was like a mother to Rynn.
Archer, on the other hand, preferred to be left alone and fend for himself. This went along just as well, though he was something of a trouble-maker and enjoyed reminding Kishori she was not as powerful as she thought she was. Archer wasn't either by any means. But Rynn admired his free spirit and confidence, his fearlessness in the face of danger.
"I'm alright, Archer," Rynn smiled at him passively, as he clearly wasn't half as interested in her mood as he pretended to be.
"What have you been doing throwing knives in here anyway?" Kishori questioned, yanking Archer's iron knife from the wall. Its hilt was beautifully carved, making it one of his most prized possessions.
Archer caught it effortlessly in the air when Kishori tossed it to him none too lightly. "I've been experimenting in the art of stealth," he explained.
Kishori snorted. "Why don't you learn to use a bow? It's much more efficient, and it'll make sense of your name."
Archer had been named accordingly by his father after his grandfather, who was a legend with the bow and arrow. Growing up, Archer found he had a better knack for knives, ironically. He had great strength in combat and picking locks when necessary on a covert level.
"Must I remind you again of the last time I tried such a thing? I nearly shot you when my hand slipped," Archer took his hand off Rynn's shoulder and popped his jacket collar up around his neck.
Rynn smiled to herself as she listened to the two bicker. She slipped off to the stove in the corner, pulling out the old kettle from a shelf on the side and a wooden cup to prepare tea. There was a well dug into the ground in the opposite corner of the room that Kishori had put together long ago. Rynn drew out just enough water to fill the kettle and set it on the stove; after this she searched for a match to light a fire beneath it.
As her eyes gazed across the shelves, she was stopped, frozen in place by the hasty knock at the door.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
very well done in every aspect! The character descriptions were en pointe! The way you casually slipped Archer's description into your writing... awesome. Your characters are different and distinct as well.
the story kept my interest and gave me questions that are still burning in my mind. but i won't beg. I'm going to read more instead!
I'm trying really hard to think of things you can improve on, but I can't. So yay! good job
Great job. Once again you have amazed me. (I'm sure you're almost tired of hearing that from me
).
This is a great second chapter and it matches style very well with the first one (both parts). You did a great job with description again. Another thing I love is the Archer character. He makes me swoon (is that actually a word and does it mean what I think it means?) even though I don't know him. I also love that Rynn kinda has a crush on him (at least that's what I was picking up and I hope I'm right) even though they're 'siblings'. She's stuck in the 'sibling-zone' instead of the friend-zone and I love that
I also love how well you describe the characters. You do such a good job I feel like I know them and I can almost relate because my siblings have some characteristics of all three of them.
Loved the suspenseful ending! Keep up the Great work!!
yes, you used swoon right XD and ikr same. is that allowed? can I have a crush on my own character? lol thanks! and i love that "sibling zone". i'll have to use that.
Yes. I have crushes on my characters all the time. And if it's not ok we can be rebels together
And yes, you should definitely use that. Sibling-zoned is the new friend-zoned 
love it
Hi there!
He's right, this reads a little oddly, and while his correction does work, I get the feeling you separated it on purpose. If the second part really is an afterthought, then rewording it as "Finest around though" would sound better.Um... I did read the previous parts, though I didn't review them. (I feel bad reviewing things for plot and style if there's a chance they've been fixed later on.) So then... onto the review!
First off: I find it necessary to offer my own opinion of what Littlemac wrote before me. I do agree that your dialogue is a little funny, but I disagree with their reasoning.
It is not the grammar that is the issue. In fact, I practically ignore grammar in dialogue because nobody talks with perfect grammar. It's cumbersome, after all! You problem here is actually with flow. Take the first point Little chose:
As for the tense business... I personally think it adds character to the way Kishori talks. You can change it or leave it be, either way.
By the way, reading your work out loud does wonders for your flow, especially in dialogue. I understand if you don't want people listening, but you can also just mouth the words or whisper them and reach the same effect.
In other business, I noticed that you have a tendency to rely on direct characterization. It showed up in the very first part, and again here. It's also totally okay to leave your readers in the dark about character backgrounds! If anything, it can make a character more engaging, as we readers love guessing and making hypotheses. Using dialogue and actions to "describe" a character also makes them feel very alive, as if we are meeting them in person, and are forced to make our own opinions.
Elsewise, nice job here! I'm very curious as to how the earlier part with Fox will play into all this. Your characters are coming along nicely, and their direct characterization has matched up with their actions so far. Rynn's opinions also factor strongly into the work, which I greatly appreciate. Your verbs tend to be active (which is awesome!), and the detail-to-action ratio is pretty good.
If you don't mind, I'd like to know when you post again for this piece. I can tell the plot is going places, and there will be much action and excitement in its future.
Again, lovely work!
-Buggie
Hello there. I only wish to point out a few errors as well as suggest a way to make the words flow a bit better.
General review:
Over all I am enjoying this asymmetrical comradery between Archer and Kishori (Archer being a loner and Kishori being the ‘mother’ or ‘team player’). Perhaps I am reading to deep, but it seems that despite their differences (what with him almost killing her and all, despite the fact that it was on purpose) Kishori is surprisingly tolerant towards Archer. Any ordinary person would have thrown him out, but perhaps I am misinterpreting this.
Now, on to the nit picks:
"It was busy. I had to look out, so it isn't much. But the finest around."
First off, I believe you’re not supposed to start of a sentence with ‘But’ , secondly, this sentence doesn't indicate what the ‘finest around’ is or even as to what she is referring to. I assume that she is talking about the jewelry. If so then that needs to be addressed. There are a number of ways that can be addressed but the simplest is…
"It was busy. I had to look out, so it isn't much, but <it’s> the finest around"
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“Keep your filthy paws off the prizes, Archer, or the prices go down and we don't eat next week”
This sentences seems to describe something that will happen in the future, therefore it must show that, and I’m pretty sure that ‘don’t’ is present tense, so try this;
“Keep your filthy paws off the prizes, Archer, or the prices <will> go down and we <won’t> eat next week”
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“I'm sure we can have a merchant conjure up a few lies about this material. We can triple its true value”
The transition between sentences seems a little awkward so try making it smoother like this…
“I'm sure we can have a merchant conjure up a few lies about this material. <Then> we can triple its true value”
…or you can change it any way you want as long as it is smooth.
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“This went along just as well, though he was something of a trouble-maker and enjoyed reminding Kishori she was not as powerful as she thought she was. Archer wasn't either by any means.”
I am a little confused by what it means when the sentence says ‘Archer wasn't either by any means’. Does this mean that Archer isn't as powerful as he thinks he is as well? If so, then perhaps this needs to be shown…
“This went along just as well, though he was something of a trouble-maker and enjoyed reminding Kishori <that> she was not as powerful as she thought she was, <though> Archer wasn't <as powerful> either by any means.”
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Final note:
I apologize if missed anything or if my review didn't help since I am not quite used to reviewing yet. Also I apologize if you wrote the chapter like this on purpose and I am making incorrect assumptions, since normal people don’t always use correct punctuation and grammar in conversation, and making some of the dialogue flawed actually makes the characters more human. In the end I would like to continue reading this story so please continue writing.